Broken Window

Today I felt like borrowing words from Jewel, ‘If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, we are all ok, and not to worry cause worrying is wasteful in times like these, I won’t be made useless, won’t be idol with despair, I’ll gather myself around my faith…’

For some reason I want to silence my own words, to keep borrowing from other voices seems better at least theirs are proven, at least theirs are sang in a million and a billion ears… mine on the other hand stays in me… cuz I am just borrowed, so what’s the use of it… the rain touched my face today, washing me, I hear me in me… yes like rain, it dries before you can hold it… it’s not up to me, my hands are already open and it offers so much, I think that is as clear as the water I tasted today…

…’And I am never broken… in the end only kindness matters…’

I walked the streets of Ayala frolicking under the rain with ipod on my ears and double shot iced espresso in hand, and as I skip one foot after another I could hear myself humming… I used to hate dreary rain but the soft sounds of it under the umbrella is soothing, I am smiling together with it and smiling at everyone who smiles and greets me. It is a lovely day, dark and gloomy but it is still a day… my leather boots are half drenched with the rain, I am still frolicking… skippidy hop together with ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane,’ soundtrack in my ears, weird I know, but that’s just me weird full of life… as I got back to my office, I was coughing and sneezing and could feel bouts of headache and warmth on my forehead, yikes, I think I might have breathed the rain too much… ‘hachuuu…’oh no, I am still dancing tonight, this shouldn’t get to me… Mambo is at my feet, we will bring home the fish…

I am ecstatic with ideas today, will be shooting so much first week of August, lamps this time, I want big lamps and lights, god I need to light up my dark, I love what’s in my blood, no matter how much sadness and confusion I take in, I am still in it and above… ‘I’m nagtatampo na with you ha! You’re always not available!’ a friend told me today, I am sorry babe, I am really busy, I would love to fill everything in but my plate has too much, I’m afraid of getting choked up… one by one I need to digest sometimes… medyo madrama pa ang mommy ko today, ‘Anak, pasan ko na yata ang daigdig,’ Sharon Cuneta is that you? imbes na maiyak ako napatawa pa ako, ‘Mommy easy lang, ako ang may pasan.’ ‘Whew,’ slips from my breath as I feel my hand wiped my forehead.

Do you know why I always listen to ‘Moving Mountains’? cuz I like to scream through my car window to ‘just leave me be…’ one more, over and over, ‘just leave me be…’ I am in love with that song for few weeks now, I could feel the way he sings it, it is not my song, it is someone else’s, and I feel for the both of them. But I keep screaming, endlessly, I do not need this…

Why do you keep stopping the waves when its crashing before you… you are just washing your hands for a damage you might inflict, so when I crash down, it is not you to blame but me… So many times I’ve been disappointed, and so many times I’m giving it a new shoe. But I’m hanging by a moment and I really want to cut it lose. Let me get burned so I can mend it back… not like this…

I’ve already closed my eyes to the wrong that is in my distaste yet my heart takes those that needs protection. My hands? It is big to carry anybody but sometimes it crashes me… don’t use it for your benefit, I am also in need… don’t put your finger on it and complain when you get burned. I am not a sponge; I need giving back and reciprocation… I am human heavy with mood… I could hear Helena on the other room, ‘I rang the bell but I guess you did not hear me because of all the cacophony.’

To an old memory, sometimes I miss your sweetness and you letting me know how you feel, that’s accepting how human we are… we feel and accept it, I wished to the gods to bring me another you, and I will do everything right… I saw a clip of your smile yesterday, how proud I am of you, it pinched a hole in me. I remember the time that I would follow seconds of your smile under a moving camera, just a few seconds that you turned your head towards me in the library, flashed me that smile as you walked away. It was forever etched in my heart. I used to play it over and over as I go home at night til my cam recorder lose its batteries… I miss those moments. I keep starting new grounds offering the same taste, even better, my hands have grown and it can offer more but they refuse to welcome it. I thought I made them a ghost that is you, but no, they’re giving me their ghosts and they’re successful in haunting me…

I am not a lab experiment. I want my peace. Their indecisiveness is not my cup of tea. ‘Why do you always surround yourself with confused people?’ a life coach told me before. I keep saying, ‘I am a fixed ground, I know what I want …’ and as if it really needed answer, a friend told me, ‘then you put an end to it.’ Hmmm… yes, I am a solid ground, stop corroding it. ‘Cut a star down, with my knife…’ Fink is lulling me again… yes, cut a star, not for you, for me, my hunger is insatiable, fill it to the brim…

Diwata ayokong lumuhod sa lupa… alam mo kung ano yung kanta? ‘If I could take you away… what would you say, cuz everybody’s got the way I should feel… oh how I try to be just ok, all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you… everybody’s talking how I can’t be your love, but I want want want to be your love for real…’ I think I’m keeping it inside another box and a period beside the lyrics. First move your mountains then knock on my door when you’ve rid yourself of it, let’s see if heaven is still served on a platter.

I do not remember the last time I danced like Mambo, I miss the happy feet in me. I’m just tired most of the time. I will dance tomorrow for the world, my beat is a happy one, I’ll shower it to the dance floor. Ohhh yes my canvass is arriving soon, I’ll make love to it to quench my hunger… may be it will…

Woke up hungry, irritated and cranky… it’s past 9pm and I have to finish on so much that I piled up on my plate. I moved my head in the dark anticipating the Tatum I know but I’m just plain cranky…

I walked to the food chain across my street, they were playing this annoying band that reverberates in their fucked up speakers, I breathe momentary the patience in me and order all the food I want. My food arrived wrapped in the banana leaf I specifically instructed them not to put my food in. I breathed again to take flight, higher, higher, I will not scream. I waited patiently as they served it back… spoon after another I wanted to throw up. Darn, it was bland. Never mind, I will tuck in my boiled anger. As I was paying for my meal, the band keeps ringing in my ears, ‘Argh, you’re sound system sucks!’ and before I could hold myself I think I screamed ‘Argh!’ again and walked out mad at their door. Shit, I couldn’t hold it, I was just plain cranky. I could feel it in me as my cousin walked back to the apartment with me. I didn’t want to speak nor face anyone cuz I will totally explode. I know me, I can be easily provoked in this state. I still want to sleep but I need to finish…

To count the minutes, that’s what I want to do right now, to stare at the ceiling and think of a serene land. ‘Hold me to the ground and pin me down…’ I whispered as I stare at the frame on my desk.

Earlier today I received gifts that I could process in my heart. I touched a soul today and she thanked me in more ways than one. I smoked a cigarette with her and told her, ‘it’s ok babe, things happen you know, let it be bygones, let it bounce and laugh at it, it’s a stupid mistake, look at me, I laugh at my misfortunes, that way no one can make you feel bad.’ I hugged her and thanked her for making me feel I have a gift in me. To be easily talked to and to share their secrets with, without judgment and spite… ‘I will not forget you, I feel like a thorn was taken out from my chest,’ she said as if she would break in to tears. I smiled at her, still lacking sleep and good state of mind.

‘You know, you have fans here,’ I looked at her with bewildered eyes, ‘Huh?’ ‘They read up on you, and look for you if you’re not here,’ she followed. ‘Oh my,’ I said, ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I don’t know, I think they follow your writings, see you’re not even a celebrity and you have fans,’ we were laughing. ‘You’re a character Tat,’ she said in her motherly tone. I looked at her as I put my hand under my chin, ‘You know, that scares me sometimes, there’s this song, I have this song that resonates in me, it’s ‘Blunt’ it’s a long ass lyrics but it’s really how I see it… ‘I don’t want to be beautiful… no one ever hears her speak, I don’t want to be a diplomat, with a heart attack for peace, all that I need is a fire escape, all that I need is a stone, everything that starts out burning, ends up overgrown, I don’t want to be an astronaut, I’ve flown higher on my own, I don’t want to be a movie star, I don’t need to be alone, all that I need is a blunt excuse, all that I need is a ruse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used, I don’t want to be president, there’s some things I’d like to keep, I don’t want to be a nightingale, I don’t need to feel that cheap, all that I need is an antidote, all that I need is a muse, everything that starts off burning, ends up feeling used…’ she smiled at me as I recite it to her… I can be melancholic sometimes, I just want to feel safe…

As we journeyed the way back to Manila, my head was in the clouds, thinking of someone… I told another before that in my arms she would always feel safe, and I’ve kept my end of the bargain… ‘Me when will I feel safe in you, did you feel the weight in my stare? I could hear you speak but is that the way you feel, i could feel your sadness, and it is what I’m taking in.’

I have a song stuck on loop in my ears today, ‘We were just wasting time, let the hours roll by, doing nothing for the fun, a little taste of the good life, whether right or wrong, makes us want to stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay here for awhile…’ I find myself bobbing my head with it…

Kagigising lang at nagmumuni muni nanaman, ayaw magisip tungkol sa realidad dahil para akong nakalumbitin sa lubid ng agos ng oras… muli kong hinihila ang paghinto ng orasan… sandali lang, ilang minuto lang, ipinapahinga ko muna ang nakakapagod na himig ng aking trabaho at pagkagumon sa pagod… eto nakaupo at ipinilit ibangon ang katawan… tama ka diwata sa sinabi mo, eto nga siguro ang pinakamasarap na panahon ng pagkabiling sa alak… eto ako, nakatitig sa parang…

Ang lakas na naman ng ulan na umaawit sa aking bintana… isang boses ang humihila sa akin sa lupa ngunit may lumaban na mas malakas na himig, yun ay ako, si ako, mas malakas ang himig ng boses ko, hindi ako mananahimik at ititigil ang mundo para sa’yo dahil isa kang malambot na bato, lulubog lilitaw… alam ko na ang magiging agos ng tubig mula sayo… naramdaman mo? Mahina yata ang kuryente na dumadaloy mula sa koneksyon mo… ibiling muli ang iyong ulo, kailangan ko ng malakas na daloy mula sa dugo mo… sa sentro, sa pinakagitna ng bulusok ng iyong pagkatao, diyan, diyan, pwede bang diyan ka humugot?

Ilang minuto na ang lumilipas, kailangan kong isaayos ang relo… counting, counting… more than 30 minutes already, I have to pick up my food from the restaurant, I’m hungry but the 3 sticks of cigarette already swallowed my appetite… ‘get up off your butt,’ reality knocking back. Oh god, my calendar is swamped… I started reading all my messages already and getting back on some calls that I missed…’I’m sorry, I’m just resting for a while… I’m back, what’s that again? Oh yeah, my hands, aching for my hands salvation, sure, I will let you use it to its full…’ Shit, my food is getting cold already… ‘ok, ok…’ whew, can somebody send me a secretary… or may be make a clone of me… oh, haha, a clone of me, then i wouldn’t have to search for a sanctuary… if I find me, I will reside there and never let any body penetrate it… ‘tie a leash on my hand, let’s see if I am ready for the knockout, if not, I am ready to flee, I need my innocence and sanity, I am tired already, and my sanity? it will only come from me, just from me, at least try to win it from me…’

I sat drinking from the gourd that the last one poured…

I woke up late today, wrapped in my own flesh… breezy, the air was coming through the window shield… I could hear birds chirping as it fights the horns across the street… it sends me memories… I knocked on that old door to remind me that it’s forever closed… A memory sinking in between my teeth… ‘Did you hear it? It reverberated on the walls as I sleep…’ I opened my eyes and whisper to a new voice… ‘Will you scoop it out from me? Hold me from my back with your hands, I will welcome it…’ I am racing to the end of the line…

Saline drops as I rubbed it against my sheets… a happy lonely thought… I am still here, waiting for a moment to replace the old… ‘give me the first taste…’

To push and shove so as not to be abandoned… I have become what I fear, a woman once more, to say then mean another… just a little affirmation so as not to runaway… not a pretty sight… not a pretty tongue… I burn it every time it slips from my mouth…

‘Your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth…’ Jewel is singing in my ears tonight…

In the darkness, I searched the bell tower again, someone is making all those sounds, ‘I hear you…’ louder and louder the bells rang in my ears…

I felt a soft breath brushed my neck… momentarily soothing… I stood dazed… I whispered again, ‘your scent is blurring my thoughts…’

I rushed to the window to catch some air… I wanted to scream but I whisper still… ‘I am fragile, please do not crash me…’

I look down below, I saw your smile… ‘It is so easy to fall…’

Past 3am, I’ve slept the entire day so here I am now batting with bouts of my insomnia… my cable is still out so I sat staring at my computer again. Monday, I need to ready myself for the lipstick jungle again…

I went rummaging for my notebook and organizer, went back and forth to my car, I couldn’t find where my house cleaner put some of my things… as I was scavenging from bags to another, I keep finding stuff that I’ve forgotten already, I opened my shoe rack and noticed that I keep using the same pair of shoes… I went through some boxes and happily found some pairs that I forgot already… one, two, three, and it goes on… wow, it amazed me that I piled up quite a few. I am a woman after all… some broken waiting to be sewed up, some just dusting away cuz I got fed up with it, some so tattered from endless use… it’s funny, how a certain style can define the kind of woman you are. Mine, usually black, browns and beige, all with thin heels, inexpensive but can be spiced up with different clothes, and only 2 pairs of sneakers that I hate to use. ‘You are so feminine,’ someone told me last night. I never really see myself as ‘so feminine’, but looking at the shoes, I guess there’s some truth to it but I think it’s the tough look feminine.

My friend and I went window shopping few weeks back and as we restrain ourselves from buying she pointed at a shoe, ‘Oh my god, it says Tatum all over it.’ I laughed at her, black pumps with a strap that wraps to the calves. A little sado-masochist. Haha, yeah the ‘do not mess with me, I will kill you with my shoe’ look. It pained me to walk away not buying it.

I noticed that every time I buy a pair that I like, I end up using it for an entire season, resulting to raggedy. Night after night, tripping and dancing those happy feet… day after day booting the road away. It reminded me of what Angel told me, ‘You know, love is like using a pair of shoe, use it much and it gets really tattered, you need to rest it some time so that it never gets old.’ The thought made me smile… yes it is true… tomorrow I will have some fixed… tomorrow, let’s rest our hearts first…

I haven’t slept much since last night, I hate hangovers, I could feel my entire body quivering, water, water, I need fuel.

I am so happy that finally I have floors to walk on already, my place has been a mess cuz I’m so busy… order, finally, some things were put back in the right place. But me, I really hope I can put my self in the right place, the right order of things… I hugged my pillow tighter under the dark, yes for now this is my right place, I feel safer closeted inside the walls of my small room… ‘don’t let me go…’

I feel so scared tonight for some reason… I shut the fans and turned off everything in my apartment. I don’t want to hear noise… I rang my friend, ‘I don’t want to go tonight, and I don’t think I want that jungle anymore, I don’t feel safe.’ She shrieked at me, ‘ hello, just think it’s your CSR, corporate social responsibility.’ We were laughing. I told her I couldn’t believe I put myself in that situation, to be bid on and bought. What if no one wants to buy, I don’t want to be bought anyway. I want to buy myself out of it.

I played Fink on my ipod, ‘I left myself, I left myself behind, on the heath, in the grass, in the sunshine, and I watch myself as I stab myself in the back with the question mark…’

Watching some teen flick… scene on a rooftop… dawn… ‘any moment… anything can change, any moment everything can change…’

I heard a sigh from my chest… I miss that moment… on the rooftop… no worries… just you and me watching the stars upside down… simple things… I miss everything simple… no complications, just two souls still unsure of what the future holds… no words to scare each other, just stares, simple stares… hopeful stares… no kisses to regret, just laughter, you and I dancing freely on the roof top … just the world and us changing its hues… innocence still abound…

I belonged there, for a moment… just a few moments… then everything changed… the world caught my attention and I turned my back from you, momentary… but it changed everything…

I can never get it back… cheating myself on other souls, hopeful that finally, some shape can replace the big loss that is you… I just keep throwing my innocence away… I still belonged in that moment… not to you anymore but that moment on the rooftop… gazing at the world upside down…

Last Friday, I was happily jumping up and down while waiting for my officemate to close up when one of my officemates approached me asking her to help her shop for new clothes and may be help perk up her look a bit. I happily obliged, I love being of help. As she walked near the door she went back, sat beside me and cried. I didn’t know what to make of it… Here’s someone authoritative breaking down before me, I tapped her back and never left her side. She said she just feels so depressed… I keep trying to cheer her up; telling her it will be ok… I know it will… as she walked away, I told her, ‘don’t let it get you ok, don’t drown, I am just here, anytime, a call or text away…’ an anchor… that’s what we all need…

Cries… I’ve been hearing this a lot lately from close friends and family… makes me worry, I have a lot of problems also, a lot that I just try to push my self so hard so that I never have to think of them, it’s better to laugh than worry. To dance and jump around than be on the floor… my mom would even text me that sometimes she just wants to kill herself, oh god, so I have to be the adult to tell her not to? I would try to make her feel better til I reach a spot within my self that makes me feel stronger.

We got a call the other day in the office regarding a writer who jumped on top of a hotel recently, her mom, was calling about her last article. We were all shocked. This girl just recently passed the bar exams yet she opted to commit suicide… what is going on with the world… every one is getting depressed…

I just got off the phone with two of my friends, the other one nearing bankruptcy, the other worrying about her kid and her studies… then my brother messaged, ‘don’t you have plans on getting married? You’re in your late 20’s already…’ oh my, don’t you think that can be on the last on my list already. He just cracked me up… how I love him…

Life, it’s fun to live it… to laugh, to cry, to be in love, to get heart broken and to bounce back again, to create some drama and be entangled with it… there’s so much… so much we can do… ‘please don’t let it get to you…’ fuck, even Akon sings that song…

The weather is a traitor.

Woke up shivering from the cold breeze, I curled up still aching for rest and sleep, my head needs to reboot from the toils I put my self in… but the alarm just keep screaming beside my ear… work work work… ‘yeah take me away…’

I thought it would be raining the entire day so I decided to wear boots, scarf and jacket, after I got to my meeting, ‘dad’ was teasing, ‘winter wonderland?’ the sun was heating up the surrounding by then.

I got back to the office with a bad headache, one by one, shedding the cover ups… cold again… may be that’s how an egg feels, boiled, cooled off then reheated again… I’m freakin battered…

Went around the mall today to buy stuff for my shoot… ‘Puzzles!’ I screamed one day while puffing on some cigs, I startled my officemate. Yup, puzzles it is. I got a 300-piece puzzle to use for my shoot then will paint it over the weekend. I’m on my computer while my officemates put it together. They keep complaining as they endlessly put it piece by piece… I was just waiting, they would have killed me if I got the 1000 pieces haha. It’s crazy, but I think they enjoyed staring at Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Eyore…

I’m beat for the day. I got home chomping on my favorite dish for the month. God I felt like an ‘er-er’ pigging out, compensates for the lack of sleep… I rested and watched TV for 2 hours as my cousin dressed up to go out for the night… I’m envious, I don’t think my body can still handle a night out for now… one, two, three… my cousin went back and forth to her room, ‘Hala!’ she startled me as I reached for my laptop bag, ‘you’re opening your computer again! Tsk, I told you to sleep already…’ I smiled at her while I catch myself on my habit… ‘yes me and my girlfriend,’ I whispered as I push the ‘on’ button. ‘yes, it’ll do, it’ll do for now, I’m happier with you…’ I just realized how good it feels to nudge emotion by the corner for a while, it’s freeing. Yup, taking things easy. To an old friend, I think I learned a lot from you, you should have met me when I wasn’t broken, may be we could still be laughing together…

Fink is lulling me in a trance, ‘don’t cheat yourself out of love, cause you know thats a bigger sin, to never know such sweetness, never know completeness, but thats where i’ve been…’