Broken Window

I smiled and looked at her as she handed me the photos, the person who betrayed and hurt me, there she was welcomed in my house for the first time after everything that happened. She stood there all dolled up with curled hair after her photo shoot. Stunning, that she is. But I felt no shivers, no thrill, just a little space of awkwardness.

I keep trying to feel where I am, and there I was laughing and talking to her, me, whole, not broken nor bandaged. I was ME, and I looked at her differently, I just saw a child looking for some affirmation. The feelings I used to have, the love that turned into grudge then disgust is no longer there, my heart felt so free, I already forgave. I would look at her and she would look away, she would look at me and I would look away. A funny weird predicament and we were both standing tall, laughing, the past behind both of us.

I told myself the other night after a disturbing conversation with a broken line, that I will not be the person who despises and resent. I will never be bitter. Forgiveness, understanding and acceptance are the best freeing drug. She caught me in the right time. Thank god what we had was momentary, had it been a long-term entrapment I would still have been in a rut. I guess it’s true, according to some studies, getting over a break up depends on how long the relationship lasted. This last one was short and abrupt but my first took me years to get over. Salamat at natapos lahat. Silensyo, yan muna ang himig ng puso ko, ‘nakakahapo!’ reklamo ng ugat nito. Ayan umiral na naman si makata.

NO MORE DRAMA, this is the sign plastered on my calendar for the last weeks of June and the weeks of July to follow, and August will be another month for another project. I’m so busy that I do not have time for SOAP OPERA, from the past, and the past tense.

The eye bags will mean stress not worry, the lack of sleep means work not thinking. I only had 2 hours of rest since last night and today but I still could not rest and its past 4am. I just hope I don’t repeat my cycle, work, party, work, and then get sick. I really have a problem with slowing down, cuz slowing down gets me in a lonely mode. Fast paced keeps me alert and a little collected. Well we’ll see cuz little old me is getting older by day.

I’m thinking, should I open a bag of chips or just puff on a cigarette haha both unhealthy… nah sleep, I think I should sleep, my fingers are aching from the mouse already. ‘hush, hush now little baby…’

Fourth change of long paragraphs. Yes, I cannot make up my mind. It’s past 2am and I just resigned my thoughts on something that has been bugging me the entire weekend.

‘Not what you want?’ someone chatted me on line. May be that’s why I’m bothered about it. It’s weird though. It’s laid down for me again, its up to me if I want to put my finger on it. But why would it be laid down before me in the first place. ‘I believe that there’s a reason for everything,’ the person on the other line chatted back.

I could feel the gray overcast heading my way. A big ‘NO,’ I flashed it on my forehead. Yes. I know I am always right when it comes to dismantling the future circumstances. When it’s bothersome then it’s not good for you. Please just let me be cuz I know that I wouldn’t be able to refuse.

‘Trust no one,’ I heard Glen Close on TV, ‘Damages’ was on. There you go, answers just keeps showing it self.

I hate the dreary rain, sends me bouts of longing. It blurs my thinking brain. I keep nudging my work aside and staring blankly at the monitor again. Shit, my time will be so cramped up this week. O well, at least this will keep me intact.

Tact, yes keep your tact. ‘Keep it this way ok?’ a friend tapped me last week about what worries me. I know I should. I know, let it bounce…

Silence… ‘Sometimes I wonder if you are even in your office,’ an officemate commented the other night while at the event. They say I was a little tamed recently, not getting mad all the time, not screaming so much about my funny antics and not dancing around the hall of the firm. I keep telling them I’m just tired. It’s funny when they’re used to you blabbing all the time that when you finally shut up people think there’s something wrong with you.

I like this feeling though, may be I’m getting old or just really tired most of the time. Even my thoughts don’t occupy my time that much anymore.

I’ve been busy again lately and the lack of sleep is mostly cuz of work. I like it that way. Busy. I like me busy, productive and not lost in my thoughts. I haven’t gotten my canvasses yet so I’m just working on magazine deadlines most of the time.

For the past days, when I hit the bed and close my eyes, I dose off easily. And I’m dreaming of dreams again, not words anymore, dreams.

Sitting on a quiet Friday night with acquaintances, they keep asking about a new story from the chapter that I closed up already. I told them, ‘Guys can we just talk about something else, it’s tiring, let’s just talk of politics, communism and democracy,’ I was smiling with the thought. I even forgot to tell them some recent incident that happened. I love it, that chapter is not important to me anymore. They just squeeze me so much that I end up stating it again. But then again it bored me like hell. As I wrote about my truth Thursday, my friends were calling me and asking if I am ok. ‘Putcha, ano nanaman yang emote na yan?’ I just said, ‘Nah it’s truth Thursday, we just write about it every week. Its just snippets of what I’m feeling but it does not define the complete state that I am in.

Silence… I hid myself from partying last Friday cuz I’m so tired. Told them I’m reserving my energy for Saturday. Saturday is the day I put grains in my serenity. Well what else is new. While getting up the stairs of my apartment I was happily staring at my red toes. They make me smile, I’m still in awe with red paint on my toes. Makes me feel like naughty is still in me.

I woke up on a stormy Sunday with head reverberating from last night’s hangover. The mood is so gloomy and the black out made it even worse. I stirred from my pillow, a wisp of last night’s perfume lingers on the folds of my hair… it’s unfamiliar, not mine. I smiled with the thought, ‘I don’t mind, I’m hiding a secret smile.’

Ang unos, natatapos, ngunit ang gulo at sirang naiwan ay mahirap ilagay sa ayos. Isa, isa pilit mong itinatayo ang lahat ng gumuho ngunit ang mga malalim na sugat na naiwan ng unos ay mahirap isaayos.

Narinig ko ang boses mo, mahina ngunit alam kong ikaw ito. Nagulat ako at ibinaba ang telepono. Bakit? Ganyan naba ang tingin mo? Bumaba pailalim lalo ang pagkakilala ko sayo. Nakakalungkot, nakapanghihinayang. Ang baho ng amoy ng iyong hinaing. Pabuntunghininga akong kinilabutan. Isang ungol ng pagkababoy? You think I wouldn’t recognize your voice? I got so familiar with everything that you are that even a simple hello from my back would tell me that it’s you. I will always remember this and would always tell my self how ugly you’ve become to my eyes. You made me feel so sad for you.

Everything that I beautifully imagined in my head of how you are now down the drain of sorrow. It’s so sad how you wish the beautiful would win the ugly side. I don’t think it will ever happen.

Ang sabi ng diwata, ‘Hanggang ngayon ba’y ikaw ay nakikidigma sa sarili mo?’ Hindi na siguro, I think I let the ravine swallow it whole.

Seduction, I’m tired of that game. Where have all the sensible women went? I can be naughty yet I know I will always stay a little reserve. ‘Reserved?’ I heard a voice scream in my head, ‘How can you say you are reserved when you’ve laid down everything for everyone to peruse.’ ‘Like a train wreck everyone can’t stop and stare…’ a caring voice once told me, yes that is true, I once told someone, ‘Honey, if you keep airing your dirty laundry, then every one will surely cover their eyes and mock.’ Why can’t I tell this to my self?

Kanina habang ako’y nagdridrive sa EDSA, nagtext si diwata, ‘Talking and talking is like walking naked.’ Para akong nauntog, siguro nga, lumalakad ako ng hubad kaya minsan sila na ang nagkukubli para ‘wag tumitig. Nalilito ako, pano na ang himig na gusto kong ilabas sa aking labi, mahirap sumigaw sa utak ng nag-iisa. I can’t sing no matter how I try, but my words, these are my melody but it is not the cumulation of me. Yes, I think, this is the new battle in me. Will you hold my voice? It makes me feel so small sometimes.

To that little smile I secretly hoped to stay, will you come back? I have yet to hear your melody…

‘Fuckin photo copy!’ I told my friend. It’s weird, I got my hair changed cuz I didn’t want to resemble Xerox yet now people mistake me for someone else. I don’t know if it’s good or bad.

I hate people who wants to be somebody they’re not, yet here I am sitting on a long table with people mistaken me for another person. It must be the new hairdo. I came out from the salon today feeling good about my hair. I called up my friend tonight cuz I was so pissed and I told her I wanted a new ‘do’. She was more than willing to accompany me to her hair stylist, goddamn; it’s expensive to feel good. As I paid for my treatment and my new cut I keep telling myself ‘It’s ok, it’s fuckin worth it.’ yet still worried that the blow dry and the treatment wouldn’t be the same when i wake in the morning.

As we walked away from the salon, people just keep staring, ‘it’s the fuckin blow dry!’ I told my friend, ‘I love the stylist!’ I told her she’s a good ego booster. If you ever want to feel good, you go to her. She makes you fuckin look like sex. Oooh sex, I told my friend, ‘damn, doesn’t everybody wants to look desired?’ we were laughing as we walked out.

I had a blast at dinner tonight. My friend brought me to meet new people, new faces and a bunch of United Colors of Benetton. As I drove around Makati today, we were still texting, ‘I don’t know if I’m alcoholic or just depressed but I just opened another bottle of tequila at home,’ she said. I told her, ‘Sorry babe, I have an early shoot tomorrow, I have to get some rest but darn I just keep driving around Makati smoking my pack of cigs.’ Driving, it usually gives me peace nowadays. But I was a little tipsy that I had to bring myself back to reality. ‘It’s dangerous you know, driving around like that,’ my friend told me knowing I get lost and thoughts flying all the time.’ I couldn’t help it, pushing the gas and speeding gives you power, makes you believe you are in control, it’s freeing, I free my mind with thoughts that I don’t want to ponder on. Primera, Tersera, I keep pushing til I hit 120-160. It’s scary, I scare me sometimes but it feels so fuckin good. Better than any rush.

I dreamt about being late again, I always seem to have that recurring dream. Rushing for something big but not making it. It’s disappointing. ‘Is it the same with reality?’ I asked myself, knowing that I am rushing all the time. Shit, I have to be settled and in control. Shit, Shit, Shit. Change and discipline, I told myself. You need to apply it.

‘Football! Wake up now, we will watch their finals,’ I stirred from my hangover when my friend phoned me. I’m still nursing myself from last night’s drunkenness. I always hate the day after. Fuck alcohol. Never good for me.

I think I’m getting old for this jungle. I spaced out at the field while my friend explain to me the mechanics of the game. I want to learn it so next time I could actually run on the field myself and pull some muscles tight. My friend was getting frustrated with me cuz I keep shaking my head in confusion, I’m still nursing my hangover and nothing was processing. May be next time. I went back to the bleacher and stared at the players from below, my friend sat beside me pointing out people on the field. ‘People watching,’ I told her it feels like we are watching a bunch of people in an aquarium. It’s funny how she’s so observant of the people around us, I told her I barely notice these things sometimes, or may be I was still out of it.

After a buffet dinner I asked my friend to accompany me to get a car wash. While waiting I stared at nothingness again. ‘Hey, what are you thinking,’ my friend asked. ‘Nah, I’m just tired,’ I replied. My phone squeaked, messages from friends asking me to join them party tonight. I wanted to just rest and listen to mellow sound. God, I was so tired that I plumped myself on the bed when I got home but my head won’t shut. Nothing, I’m in a nothing process mode but I still can’t sleep. It could get so frustrating.

I went back to finish some photos, I looked at some of mine and it frustrated me to see myself in such a way that reminded me of someone I hate. My eyes, my smile, she copied me so much that I could see it in me already, the way I took my photos, the way I write, the way I say things. Shit I hate her. I loathe her. Yeah, loathe, I feel so much disgust that in my mind I took a long stake and thrust it straight to her chest and push her up against the wall. I don’t want you. Leave me alone. I feel like she’s Adele, Jenny’s assistant in Lword season 5. She’s scary. Who wants to be a photocopy when you can just be you? ‘Why don’t we just entitle the fashion editorial, ‘Xerox’,’ my photographer friend sarcastically told me one time when I went to him to complain at a proposal for my concept that got turned down cuz my boss wants to just copy something than create something new. I hate copying; it’s a mockery of anyone’s intelligence. And her? God, can’t she be her own, she’s making me hate her so much. That she is, I will call her Xerox. My friend said, ‘my god, the characters you attract are like the characters in the movie ‘Single White Female’!’ It’s giving me tingles at the back of my neck. And I would think I’m crazy, gods there are crazier ones.

I just finished a canvass. I keep staring at the girl holding the balloon. I cannot see where she is looking at. I call it ‘Fly me to the moon.’ I changed the way I finished it from my vector. She sat silently under the overpowering moon… her gaze lowered down, not looking at the moon or the balloon. A suppressed sadness covered in black…

I stared and stared searching… ‘Please look here,’ I whispered. I keep pointing the brush, ‘here, here, I am here.’ As the brush toppled on my chest, the remaining black paint stained me. My voice receding… ‘here…’ then I see it.

I rushed to the shower to water the down the paint… once paint becomes wet, it gushes like watery stain… I watched as the water trickled it down to my feet… lighter, lighter… the water took it down the drain…

‘Ice Cream!’ I hear screams in the office before our meeting started. It gave me goose bumps thinking about the ice cream melting in my mouth. I was eating in Shang’s Heat the other night, I’m never a fan of the desert section but the green tea ice cream caught my fancy. Oooh how I love green tea ice cream. I had it mixed with walnuts and almonds and as I chomp on the concoction I felt like Anton Ego in ‘Ratatouille’ having orgasmic moments spoon after spoon. I could imagine already the fireworks in my head when they serve me the bowl today, music, I wanted music in my ears… ‘Tatum!’ as if I heard a scratch on the turntable. ‘So what concept do you have for the shoot on Monday…’ I looked at my editor in surprise. I had no idea what she was talking about. I just smiled and talked as if I knew, ‘Yup, Monday, I will be there to see through it blah blah blah…’ whew… talk about leaving my senses again…

It’s been two days now and I’m still reading on this book in my hand. It’s been years since a book silenced my thoughts. I am so amazed at my self. Probably a sign that I’m not scatter brain anymore. Even magazines can’t get my attention for a short time, not even when I’m bored. I just flip through it then put it down not even simmering the content. I work in a magazine but I get so tired with it that I only open them after 3 months or more. I have a shelf full of new books; I just end up dusting them by the corner and watching the movie when it’s on mainstream audience already, wrong wrong wrong….

‘I think you will like this book that I have,’ my colleague said when she saw me reading the book. ‘Honey, I hope its not a self-help book, cuz I’m never a fan of those,’ I said laughing. ‘Duh, I won’t give you one of those chicken soup ok!’, ‘yeah not even ‘A Purpose Driven Life’ cuz I will shove it back to you!’ I told her while I showed her the marks of the book used from last year’s fashion spread. ‘Whats that? You’re so into it that you’re marking it!’, ‘Hello, ‘course not, I used it last year so stylist will know what inspiration to use.’ I told her that I never want to be caught reading this book, it’s not cute, and people might get a wrong impression. But I told her it’s funny and I wonder where the author gets the audacity to tell people how to live their lives. It’s not preachy, it’s interesting. I remember my friend who always bring around books like, ‘Art of War’ and ‘Art of Power’, she fuckin scares the shit out of me when she hold those books. It announces some one so hungry for power. Last year, while shooting off-road in the mountains, our Brazilian model keeps highlighting the book ‘He’s Not Into You’ with her neon stabillo. Now, here’s someone who went through shit with a guy. I asked her why she was highlighting it; she said she’d send it to her ex boyfriend so he knows what he’s done. Ok, now that’s a little nut. The staff and me poked each other and were raising our brows.

Funny how just holding a book can send messages to people. I will not even say what book this is that I’m religiously reading for the past days. Ha-ha, not a good idea… o well, people and our belief system… you, I wonder what book is in your hand?

‘Choose one, a magnet or an amulet to ward of evil,’ my editor came up to me with a bag of trinkets from Hawaii. I smiled at our senior writer, ‘Huh, see amulet it is! How perfect.’ We were laughing cuz we had that conversation about amulets and here’s my boss handing me one. It’s a blue glass stone with circular designs on the center. I keep staring at it hoping that it works. I felt a little scared, as if mocked by the glass.

Well I’m keeping it for now, may be evil will stop coming my way, hahaha.

I can’t wait to end this week already. I have so many plans and piled up things to organize. I just reordered canvasses, god I’m so anxious again. I like this feeling of excitement to finish something. By the end of the month I’m going to be swamped with work from my clients and the magazine I work for. Bring it on. I haven’t been complaining that much about work lately. Not that I want complaints about work, I just like the feeling of finishing something that has worth and complaining about it just for the heck of whining. Hahaha, at least my drama will just be, ‘oh yeah, so busy I don’t have time to relax,’ blah blah blah. Such silly blabberies…

Last year I complain too much about not being able to sleep cuz im always swamped with work, recently I’ve been complaining of lack of sleep just cuz I can’t fuckin sleep. It’s better to be restless cuz your busy than be restless cuz you’re thinking… I choose the first one, at least busy means money, and god I want loads of it. my friend said before, ‘You know, money can’t buy happiness, but damn it makes it easier to find happiness when you have a lot of money to spend searching for it.’ I was just laughing at her. May be it works like this, ‘Oh I’m so sad, I will go to the mall to shop,’ then you get home smiling from all the goodies you bought, or ‘Oh I’m so depressed, I’m leaving town so I could take myself off of it,’ then you come back with tons of stories and frenzy one night stand with hotties (the last part was just a funny thought). But then these are temporary, well who cares at least short term happiness doesn’t hurt when it leaves you.

I’m gathering my friends to get back in shape again. They couldn’t stand me last year as I blab endlessly about abs, my daily routine and yoga. I want to bring it all back again and pull some muscles tight cuz im getting bloated already from chomping on unwanted carbo. Anyway, blah blah blah, I just have too much blah…

On a different chapter, I’m following a secret smile, i picked up my pencil again so i won’t forget, yes little water bearer, the water will follow where you are…

Monday… seems so quiet compare to all the normal Mondays im used to… I’m sitting on my gym ball watching ‘Capote’ and waiting for the canvass to dry… waiting, I hate waiting for anyone or anything, it sinks me to an abyss of boredom… and ‘Capote’ is boring me as well… it’s supposed to be a good film but I’m so anxious to even pay attention to it.

Tic, toc, minutes could you forward a little faster, your trudging is making me nuts…

I got so addicted to textures now the canvass is so thick its taking forever before I can touch it again… I went back to an old canvass and stain it up a little bit… light to dark that’s how I like it, I hate it when lighter paints goes on top, it doesn’t look finished. Stains… I love roughness and stains… ‘There you go babe, I just stained you up a little, you look a little better.’ I whispered to my canvass… fuck now I’m talking to a piece of cloth and wood, talk about boredom.

Last Saturday they made me answer questionnaires to differentiate the kind of person that I am. The group E and group I were separated in two circular packs. As I stare on the group I poked one of my seatmate, ‘I can actually tell what kind of person those in the other circle are, they are Introverts!’ I was going to say BORING, but they were teaching us not to pass judgments. He smiled at me, ‘that’s the point.’ I looked at my circle and we are quite huge, the facilitator said, ‘ See you guys have a larger number, you guys are extroverts, and in the world there are many of you, that’s why the world is noisy!’ we were all laughing, he continued, ‘You guys do things with fun as motivation, that’s why when everything is silent you end up bored. While Introverts on the other hand, they like the pacing, slowness, observing silence first then acting when they feel comfortable already.’ Hmmm, made me think, if they put the 2 groups in war, the extroverts end up getting killed first cuz we are such gung-ho’s, jumping and screaming with bullets flying everywhere, while the introverts think first before they fire a bullet.

Yeah well, I guess I should practice patience for now, I’m so anxious I just dabbed on a little paint and my texture got messed up a little… grrr… patience, patience… maybe I should name my kids in the future ‘Patience’, then the other will be ‘Anxiety’ hahaha, such crazy thoughts…

Anyway, funny how easily some things can make my heart sink and how easily so many voices can kick it to a happy place again. I wish these people know how they can make me smile. How they make me whole with the little affirmations they share. I can only whisper my thank you to the predicaments I am always in. Someone will make me feel bad, then some one more worthy will lift me up, today just 4 words made me sad, but i had 7 characters to make me smile and laugh again. They always come in so many folds, better than the defeats.