Done with afternoon soap
I smiled and looked at her as she handed me the photos, the person who betrayed and hurt me, there she was welcomed in my house for the first time after everything that happened. She stood there all dolled up with curled hair after her photo shoot. Stunning, that she is. But I felt no shivers, no thrill, just a little space of awkwardness.
I keep trying to feel where I am, and there I was laughing and talking to her, me, whole, not broken nor bandaged. I was ME, and I looked at her differently, I just saw a child looking for some affirmation. The feelings I used to have, the love that turned into grudge then disgust is no longer there, my heart felt so free, I already forgave. I would look at her and she would look away, she would look at me and I would look away. A funny weird predicament and we were both standing tall, laughing, the past behind both of us.
I told myself the other night after a disturbing conversation with a broken line, that I will not be the person who despises and resent. I will never be bitter. Forgiveness, understanding and acceptance are the best freeing drug. She caught me in the right time. Thank god what we had was momentary, had it been a long-term entrapment I would still have been in a rut. I guess it’s true, according to some studies, getting over a break up depends on how long the relationship lasted. This last one was short and abrupt but my first took me years to get over. Salamat at natapos lahat. Silensyo, yan muna ang himig ng puso ko, ‘nakakahapo!’ reklamo ng ugat nito. Ayan umiral na naman si makata.
NO MORE DRAMA, this is the sign plastered on my calendar for the last weeks of June and the weeks of July to follow, and August will be another month for another project. I’m so busy that I do not have time for SOAP OPERA, from the past, and the past tense.
The eye bags will mean stress not worry, the lack of sleep means work not thinking. I only had 2 hours of rest since last night and today but I still could not rest and its past 4am. I just hope I don’t repeat my cycle, work, party, work, and then get sick. I really have a problem with slowing down, cuz slowing down gets me in a lonely mode. Fast paced keeps me alert and a little collected. Well we’ll see cuz little old me is getting older by day.
I’m thinking, should I open a bag of chips or just puff on a cigarette haha both unhealthy… nah sleep, I think I should sleep, my fingers are aching from the mouse already. ‘hush, hush now little baby…’