Me and my senseless blah

I chanced upon someone’s blog today, it scared me how some people opt to steal someone else’s words and use it as their own…like a fuckin’ photo copy! If anything in life has a byline, what she’s done is a crime…suicide of thoughts, that’s what it is…

I saw so many artworks and photograph these past days, me and my friends went ‘art hopping’…some works are worthy of attention, some plain fluff and hurried art…some so deep it burns a hole in me, my thoughts were in combustion, it scared me so I closed my thoughts before it fogs up with all these influences…I was in a photo gallery today, a photographer was showing the works he’s done, I left the room and hurried home before my ideas are clogged up…influences…it’s scares me, I do not want to borrow from the fruits of their own sadness…I have a lot on my own…inspirations, that what these things should be…

I am jealous of another artist, a real talent, her black ink surges and falls right through me…I wanted the same beauty her hands created, she kissed me in the mouth way back, I wish I could have swallowed her talent as well…she didn’t need depth nor sadness, it’s just in her…she’s fuckin amazing…

My mentor was teasing me the other day, ‘you should go on a long leave, do drugs or something, kill a part of yourself then go back in rage, claim everything back then put it in your art…’ I cringed at the idea, its funny… I told him, ‘Dad, I am crazy already as it is, I do not need drugs nor any more escapes. It will just fail me…’

Drugs, I do not need it to be insane, I am already insane…like drinking coffee, I cannot take it cuz it pulsates in my nerves, I am hyper already, I am my own energizer bunny…nothing outside of me can help…discipline, that’s what I need, cuz I can be a little stubborn…

I am a little crazy according to my friends, but the good part is I am aware of my self… I will scare my self one day if my friends say I’m acting weird and I am not aware of it…if suddenly I cut my ears and mail it to someone, ala Van Gogh, then please bring me to a psych ward… Hello, I think I’m ok, just a little moody and unpredictable when it comes to my emotions but I am ok…am I? Of course I am…shit, I am talking to myself again…that is crazy, but everyone else does it…my cousin said I was acting weird the other night and she thought I was losing it already, I got my ipod and plugged it so loud in my ears and went dancing in front of my mirror while I stare at myself. I do not think its weird, I was just having fun on my own, dancing like no one is around, I don’t care, I dance on the streets while hailing a cab, I don’t think it’s crazy, just cuz you don’t care about what others think it instantly makes you weird? I remember diwata the cheerleader, she asked me about mirrors before, and if I stare at myself, without a bat of an eyelash I said, ‘Of course, I do it every waking moment.’ She said’ then you must be watching your self think.’ Hmmm…could be…she’s also a little crazy but I think she’s smart…

The crazies, I am always in awe with their world…I would watch a lot of movies and series about these people… broken minds, they’re the most beautiful because they have no control over themselves…

Anyway, maybe I should stop already, I say so many senseless blabbery…a friend said something about a bill board, it says ‘Just cuz you’re ‘unique’ it doesn’t mean you’re useful’…and when I reacted he said, ‘but I still love you.’