Collective Memories

I was in the car wash today…I was talking to my cousin about memories…how I have so much of it in my closet…I always thought that my memory is not that sharp, cuz I tend to forget things so easily, names, people, deadlines…but for some reason, memories from the heart are so detailed in me, the scars, the pain, the smiles, the smell, the touch…I could make a movie about it and not forget an inch…

I was talking to my first love a few months back when someone else broke my heart…she was telling me how bad her memory is and how she forgot everything about us…’Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind,’ she chose to erase all her memories of me…yet every time she watch that film it reminds her of me…and me, that movie always reminds me of her…

I was telling her how much I remember, the firsts, its always hard to forget…the things we would do, the way she move her nose, the way she would smile, the way I would watch her and take video clips of her while she walked passed my table in the library, the seconds were like an eternity, I would always play it at night and repeat pause and play…I remember the first time she held my hand and how it sent a thousand signals in between my thighs and my pulsating heart…oh how I remember too much of these things…the beautiful and the bad ones…but I didn’t have feelings for her anymore, all that she is a memory, the reminder of the things that I had and would never have again…

I was telling a friend about memories and how I go back to the beautiful ones when I feel down…I never think of the bad ones, like watching a film, it feels good to replay it in my head…it makes me smile...she said, why is it that when she thinks of her memories, all that she feels is pain…and I know so many who does the same…I told her, when you think of memories, try to detach it from your heart, just play it in your head, fly away with it, like how you would imagine yourself in a happy place…then it will make you smile…the only reason a memory hurts is cuz you haven’t let go of it yet…

I have new memories in my closet now, some more firsts…oh how I love creating new chapters…like all the soundtracks I have in my ipod, I have different chapters on the play list…the strings of what makes me ‘me’…

I am collating everything in a box for the exhibit I am preparing for…a fellow artist commented on my works…then I looked at it, I wanted to keep everything for myself…I am in love with one of the prototypes, I can’t wait for the canvass to arrive and transfer it there…I can’t stop staring at the vectors…it always makes me happy…

I am so excited to paint everything…every box has a story behind it…I can’t wait to see all of it displayed in a wall… I can’t wait to juice every little memory I have in me and see it visually for others to watch…and for me to let go of it and move on to create new ones…but it scares me every time I touch the brush…I only wish my hands can show the beauty of the memories in my head… the stories, oh how it can make me smile…

I told my cousin, ‘you know what, if I’m ever going to be with someone again, I want that person to see the world like how an artist views things, or maybe more than an artist, I want that person to show me beautiful things that life has to offer…’ she would be so lovely…then I remember a poet who used to offer his heart to me…oh how I wish he’s a girl, I would marry him…like the guy in ‘Big Fish’, then there’s an amazing director who would make me his muse and send me his music everyday…sigh, why can’t these people just fit perfectly in my heart…my heart is a very big place, but it has a shape that only one person can fit perfectly in…and this person has to be in a form of a woman…another deep sigh…

I hear whispers in me, ‘whoever you are, do not change the shape of your heart, I would wait patiently for it when I am ready, when I’m done waiting, I would search for you in a gold mine, I know you are there, I will knock on your door, will you greet me with a big smile?’