Can't get enough of...

My hands feel so stiff from painting thin lines…I hate small canvass, they asks for more detail and care, it’s hard for me to go wild and dance while I push the brush…but it’s ok, the small details makes an art piece more enticing…I hate sloppy work, you can see so much mess…my friend said not to get scared, it’s just the digital imager in me wanting things clean but I really like roughness in a work…

I am scared now when I get the big canvass I’ve been craving for days…what if I make mistakes…my eye would grow weary…sad…I hate the feeling of fear and uncertainty…the good thing about using acrylics is you can always fix it up…I love having a fellow painter criticizing and believing in me at the same time…it makes me try harder and better…he texted me about his name in the newspaper today, I told him how proud I am of him and I want to be just like him, he said, ‘Of course you can be, you have the potential.’ For people to believe in you more than you believe in yourself is freeing…I also like people not believing in me cuz they make me work my best…spite and criticism, another catalyst to elevate…I always laugh at them in the end…

I am always in awe of the painting in our office wall, I never knew the artist but every morning I would stare at the textured golden mayonnaise spread plastered on the reception. I love textures. My officemate told me earlier how untalented the artist is, I laughed at him…how he doesn’t see the beauty that I see…it is abstract, he said he could do better, I laughed again, I want to see him try…the painting doesn’t have depth and meaning for sure, it is a beautiful accidental art work…I’m sure he didn’t plan it in his head, he just let his mind go wild and the brush to lead his hands… but for an idiot to mock it is unacceptable…so naïve…

Just like the person who keeps commenting negatively when her words doesn’t even connect correctly, I would gladly bow to you when you say something that would amaze me or something that would catch my fancy…enough with your fluff and angst, it is not needed in my dictionary… stop poking a balloon flying so high, it will just explode in your face…I could count the things that might not be good for you to hear but you will need them so that you would know…sometimes people should be put in their right place specially when they are not aware of it…tsk…try to humble yourself but elevate yourself at the same time… and you know maybe you should look the other way, maybe there are more words you can scope up from others cuz you use mine vexingly ... there are on line dictionaries I'm sure you have time to gather words since you look like you have nothing else to do but read my thoughts and copy every single phrase that you can scratch off... my words are simple and easy to recall, I'm taught that way... what you are? an annoying angry little cunt... oh cunt, yes such a fancy word, sure go ahead maybe you can use it for something to curse on me again... oh what did you say?'Je ne comprend pa...' my french is a little rusty but you're rusty...oh maybe i should try this again...(Alanis Morissette,' All I really want') – 'why are you so petrified of silence? here can you handle this_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On another light, an email of a friend made me smile tonight, Aquarians always respects another aquarian…I wrote about all the Aquarians in my life before and how I love to stash some more of us…so fun to be with and conversations are never boring, lovers of the world…pure freedom…I think I want another aquarian for a lover, I’ve had two Aquarians, I want another you… they could be such drama queens but so am I, hahaha but they’re so amazing… I know already the signs I have to scrape off on my list, yuck, such mind-fuck enough of them, I want someone like me, like my first, but the freedom in us broke us apart… we were always in love with the world…the roles we’ve been given…sigh…I don’t think I understand it much…