A Walking Paradox

My fingernails feel so sore from opening cans and tubes of paints for how many days now… I accidentally flipped a huge texture container and I squirmed in agony for my dear fingers… I told my cousin,’ I wouldn’t be fuckin surprised if one day all my nails will be purple from all these heavy lifting.’ Sigh, the perils of trying to be a craftsman…

I took a shower at 4am today and scrubbed all the remaining paints on my skin, but no matter how hard I scrub, there would always be remnants… like the thousand stains in my soul, no matter how I wash it with water and air, still stays embedded in me…

I’m a little frustrated with one of the canvass, it looked like a chunk of hard cement, I hate painting canvass with wood underneath, it makes everything look stiff, add to the fact when I add my texture…. But then its hard to use a big canvass without wood, the canvass will never be flat, a fellow artist said, ‘with the sizes you’re working on, it’ll be hard to keep the canvass straight without wood, even just with brace…’ and I screamed, ‘ why is it that ‘Spolarium’ didn’t have any wood!’ He was laughing, seeing the frustrated child in me, he said, ‘Tatum, you know how heavy that painting is?! They had to use grounded marble during that time cuz they didn’t have textured paint to work with.’ I laughed with my naivety…

I hope I finish with magazine work early this week so I can get more materials, I’m so frustrated with a peg I worked on, I simply cannot put the same colors the way I used it on my vectors… I’m so scared that I cannot make the same as the one I work on with my tablet… ugh, frustrating… now sandman has paid a visit and its not midnight yet…

A columnist was on the phone with me earlier telling me about my talk with him last cover shoot, he was so engrossed with our talk that his article for the actual celeb subject was like talking about art appreciation… he can’t wait to see my works… in my head, I got even more scared, I do not even want to show it, it looks sloppy, not the way I imagined it…

oh please bless my hands, my eyes are weary and tired… oh Gabriel, wake me in my dreams tonight and dance with me without fear… oh dreams, I wonder when was the last time I had one with closed eyes… oh words, my words… like a walking paradox…

I’m not feeling so good, I think I’m coming up with a flu, too much work and lack of sleep add to the countless cigarettes I huff and puff every minute… at least now I can control my thoughts, no longer screaming in chorus… hey thought, say that again? Yes, shush for a minute or two, I’m still counting the seconds before I decide to confront you…