Rage

I will cry for my office green wall today…I will build my own walls, something that no one can take away from me…I am mad. Mad for the loss…when life takes things from you, they take it in installment, but give you something back in return…I knocked my knee last night, now this, what is it huh…I want to rage…RAGE, I love using that as a catalyst to elevate…ahh, that’s what’s given back to me, the feeling to get angry…I want to go back to Sagada and scream my lungs out in the echo valley…there there…my voice will be heard in a million different songs…

But I find it weird, for some reason, I am not screaming and throwing tantrums the way I used to, I am not banging my phone and cussing at everyone around me…I’m taking it in, casually, maturely…it surprised everybody, me as well…I ordered Chinese food, it calms me…before, when I’m angry I would chomp on pork and say…’galit ako kaya kakain ako ng baboy!’…it just sounds funny now…I wanted to do that earlier but I dread the idea, I do not eat meat anymore, I will just mess up my digestion…

Maybe I do not need yoga anymore to control anger management…in it and above, I like saying it now…life taught me to contain it…sabi ng diwata ako daw ay taong mapagpigil bago pa ako bumulusok nitong mga nakaraan, ngayon ibinabalik ko uli, eto ako, ganito ako nabubuhay, sa pagpipigil…para walang masaktan at di ako masaktan muli…

Ilang araw na akong nagmumuni muni sa pagsisisi, ilang kaibigan na ang tumapik at pinagtanungan kung ako ba ang nagkamali…at lahat sabi nila’y ako nga daw…haaay, ang mang-iwan, kasalanan kung mayroon kang nasaktan, nasaktan nga ba sya? Bakit ako ang di mapakali, ako ang di makatulog sa gabi, ako ang nangungulila sa kakaisip…tumalikod ako upang wag masaktan, ngunit bakit ako pa din ang ganito ang nararamdaman…isang buntong hininga…ayoko na ng drama, ang dami kong responsibilidad sa sarili ko at sa trabaho…di ko na kailangan ng soap opera…

For some reason, I’m so addicted in writing now, I have a hard time focusing on my drawings and my vectors, but typing on my keypads to get things out of my head seems to be therapeutic, I want to silence my head for a while, I want to be able to sleep with dreams, not with words…its tiring me…sigh, am I leaving my papers and paint in exchange for my letters? Pati ba naman ang kamay ko ay tatalikuran ko? My eyes, I feel the bags drooping, writers are like that, god I do not want to age fast…ok, ok…to visuals I return…

I’m excited for tomorrow, I will see my mentor, I call him my dad…I’m sure he will laugh together with me…sa ilang yosi at ilang ideya, ganyan kami lumilipad sa problema...