Broken Window

My dirty hands...

I am sitting in front of my computer, sweating from the heat…I just got home from buying art materials for my paintings…a fellow artist helped me scope for good brands, I felt like a kid buying new toys, I was so excited to rummage at the stuff when I got home…colorful neons, thick and moist, my new medium…there goes the long nails, I will have to cut it now so that I can surrender being a single lesbian, I am engaged, engaged and plans to marry the love of my life…my canvass…I can’t wait for tomorrow, I will buy more materials and order large scales of frames…ugh, I can feel my hands throbbing, aching, aching for the burn…I am so excited to paint…

It’s been years since I held a brush, a real brush, I’ve been hiding in the mercy of my computer and my tablet, it was just cleaner that way…I remember the last piece of art I painted with this medium, it was for my first love, a big ass mural for her environmental exhibit…I wonder where it is now, probably burnt somewhere or turned into a wall of some homeless lass…my college years…full of paint and dirty hands…my world then was in my art…charcoal, pencils, acrylics…I would be walking in the school hallway with unruly hair and paint all over my hands and face…it was heaven to me…

Working in the plastic world for more than 5 years now, I somehow opted a less messy art, my vectors and digital paint…plastic, is that what it is? Hmmm…now I’m diving again, the dirty work, I will make love with the paint in my hands…god, its quenching…I could feel the high…it’s driving me insane…fuckin’ orgasmic…ahhhhhhhhh…I could feel moans coming out from my mouth…I wish you fill the hunger in me…fill me in…fill me in…

My World…

I was talking to my friend online, we were chatting about details in my life now, I was telling him about my realizations when I was with him the other night…he told me about my other friends from the magazine industry talking about my love life and asking if I was ok already, I laughed and sighed, It’s funny why they all talked about my love life and how concern they were…its because they saw the gradiation of happiness and sadness in me, the ups and down, the excitement, god, Tatum is always their source of ‘dramathon sa hapon’…they hate it when I’m in my rut, my escape, that is when I am obsessed with women, because they lose the ‘me’ they’ve grown to love…it feels so good to be surrounded by these amazing people who cares for me…

My editor sat down with me today and asked about my words with regards to love, she was amused by how I talked and see things through…she said, ‘Wow, dear the things you say are like things in a movie…’ I was laughing…yes, my life, my stories, my beliefs, my flaws, my antics, my friends, the characters in my world, they are worth a million pages of beautiful prose, of a movie script with thousands of bad and new beginnings…and they are treasures to behold…they are me…the gemstones inside my window, and I am so lucky to be part of them…I told my friend,’ you know, I am so lucky to have you guys, I said, I am selfish, I will not share you guys with any of them!’, he was laughing, he mentioned something about the separation of the church and the states, that love life should be the same, of friends and lovers…I said, ‘let them be the church, and we the state, cuz I do not believe in the church,’ we were laughing…’yes’, he said, you should always have an anchor back, somewhere you can return to…like home, they are my home, I belong to them and I know I am always safe with them…yes that’s it, they are my SANCTUARY…oh, I love epiphanies…

I am so excited today, I called up a fellow artist, I told him about my plans, and he was willing to help me cuz he believed in me…for people to appreciate you in more ways than one, it’s a heavenly feeling…I’m so excited to pick up brushes and paint…I’m so excited, I couldn’t sleep…so this, to my words I reside again…the hermit in me…

To you, I share to you my thoughts, does it quench your thirst? This is my world and I’m lending you a window…

Dugong Alketran…(Asphalt Blood)

May mga taong pagtinignan mo,
amoy agad ang init ng dugo,
pula,
kumukulo
ang sarap higupin at isalin sa sarili…

yan yan marahil ako,
minsa’y bampirang nais sumipsip ng buhay sa iba…

sa mga nakakaraang araw ng pagkauhaw,
pulang dugo ang ninamnam ko,
pansamantalang ligaya ang dinulot nito

hanggang sa muli ko pang uhaw na paghigop
alketran ang aking nasimot…
nakakabulon sa lalamunan,
makati,
ang sarap isuka sa daan…

matagal tagal bago naibuga ang maling dulot ng paghitit
hanggang halos himatayin
at bumagsak sa lupa…
uhaw…
tuyo’t lanta ang kulay…

pagtingin paitaas,
maraming tao ang yukong nanuod at dumaan
may mga nagpahiram ng kamay
iba ang kulay ng dugo sa kanila’y nananalantay
luntian,
ako’y tumikim paunti unti
buhay,
yan ang dulot ng kanilang dugo,
malapot at bumubulwak sa pagkulo
mabango at maraming pangako

sa pagtayo,
alintana ang pagtunog ng bagong pulso...

Chip n Dip

I’m working at the printers today the fuckin’ plates takes too long to get done…I feel so lazy and sleepy to do anything so I chomped on all the chips they served for me…I love chips, I thought it could fill up my boredom…I opened one kind, sweet and sour, I got bored, I opened another, salty, I put it down again, another one, cheesy…damn, my tongue doesn’t want any of it…I find it weird…on my sleepless nights I would always open a big bag of chip and dip and would always finish til the last crumb…I’m weirded out on why my palete doesn’t want any this time…

As night falls they asked me what I would like to have for dinner, I requested for fish or seafood and vegetables, any would do…yet I know that when they serve me just one, I will not satiate my appetite, I always want different flavors lingering in mouth…fish with vegetables on the side, if seafood I want with different kinds, if just vegetables I get so frustrated looking for chunks of meat, but not red meat, I dread those…god buffet, that would be helpful, yet when I’m in front of so many different kinds I get so bloated chomping on all the colors that my eyes can reach…varieties…hmmm…

A different thought…I love varieties in my mouth…is it the same with life? With women? Am I intrigued by varieties? Like candy I want to taste different flavors…a designer told me last night she wanted to set me up on a date, I’m like hello, I just had too many this year I need to rid myself of candy…but I feel so thirsty...another message tapped me today telling me what kind of date I would want cuz she’ll give me, umm why are they all setting me up, do I look like I need one right now? I just got out of so many escapes, this isn’t what I need, its so funny but I’m bored so I obliged…I gave her my request…no soup please, I want buffet, someone skinny but with the right curves, someone model type, someone with a pretty face but with a brilliant mind, someone talented who can match up my craziness, someone with patience to endure my zest for life, someone I will dig on and simmer but won’t bore me to bits…a variety in one package, that’s a tall order…a message returned, she said, wow, that’s RARE…I laughed, yes, its hidden somewhere in a gold mine but I refuse to search…why would I, they’re serving it for me…I was laughing inside…then a scary thought…I hear Fiona in my ears…’I’m waiting for the black to replace my blue…I do not struggle in your web, cuz it is my aim to get caught…but I feel I’m going weary, on waiting to be consumed by you… give me the first taste…let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever…’…oh how I love Fiona, she’s my best friend these past days…and she shed light for me again…no more play Tatum, you know you always get stranded…I was smiling again…words, chew on them and spit it out, pweh!

Boredom…I’m fuckin bored as hell, I opened so many magazines and books already yet my thoughts won’t focus on any of them…I listened to music to soothe me, but shit just the same…I popped on a DVD, but it was on the middle already and I found myself lost in it…what the fuck…then thoughts flooded me…my thoughts…its insatiable…it quenches me for now…my words, I keep repeating it in my head and jotting them down…I can’t stop…what do I do with this…it’s so addicting for me…this…typing it…yes, I found my new addiction in me…it’s in me, not others…it’s the varieties in me…this is just one of the servings…I feel like the black letters are winking at me…I smiled and winked back…hahaha, I am going crazy…

A guy entered the door, he’s cute, I looked at him once, then twice, cute and cuddly, he reminded me of someone…he keeps smiling and searching for smiles in my eyes and keeps talking to me, I didn’t give a damn, but he keeps popping in, hmmm, searching my eyes again…I wanted to swim right through him and indulge in Eve’s sinful embrace…the feline in me, hahahaha…is this my new fancy? I looked at my chart, yes, a pattern, women, then men, women, then men…oh my, I have a pattern…god men, they bore me…but I like the attention they give, its pacifying and I know my heart is always safe, because it doesn’t ache for them…

Another knock on the door, wow, platters of food! A big smile dawn on me, yes they gave me buffet…pagkaing pambitay…

The Child in us…

I saw so many laughters and smiles these past days and it fills so many gaps in me…happiness of others always heals my aching soul…that’s me, healed, no more bandages, no more soreness, funny how some of the people around me worry for me when I am stronger than most of them, a green that bloomed in the thickest of mud, that’s me…’a self-help book’ a friend once told me…I wish it can be shared for everybody…

Sadness, still everywhere, I saw the tears that my friends shared with me tonight, I wish I can take it out for them and help them the way I fixed myself…but healing one’s soul can always just come from the person…I can only lend my ears and time, to be the crying shoulder and a friend…

I see now different shades of the child in us, the little things that makes one laugh and cry…lost kids, that’s what we are, yet we try to live maturely in our fast paced time…A friend told me how EMPTY she feels now, I told her that is the worse possible feeling one can experience, its living in limbo, stuck in a moment without purpose and goal…I was there before but I always rise above it, I wish she can as well, I wish I can hold her hand so that she will not drown, but a negative energy so powerful can crash me as well…a child, I am the same…I wish I can be her flame, an angel this time for someone else, but its different the way she views things…only she can help herself…and I believe she would…

To BELIEVE, that’s one thing we shouldn’t let go…life is not a fairytale, it’s in us to make it look like it is…

Today, another piece of me is given back…sa anghel na aking tinalikuran, muling nagbalik ang aking balintataw…ngunit iba na ang ihip ng aking hangin, hindi na ganun sa dating pusong nais angkinin…hindi na sa kanya ang aking tingin, ngunit sa sarili at sa mundo, ang nakaraan ay isang parte na lamang ng magandang ala-ala…ala-ala, masarap lumikha ng mga bagong pahina…naisip ko, isa rin syang batang ligaw, humiling sa buwan ng hiram na liwanag, ngunit ako ang napaso at nalunod sa kanyang ibang sigaw…buntunghininga…kahapon, isinisisi ko ang pagnanakaw nya ng puso sa iba, mali ang kanyang ibang paniniwala, sa mga taong sumakit sa kanya, tinatangka nyang itama ang mga bagay na gamit ang panibagong mali…

…ang batang isip sa kanya, sa atin…sanay mabigyan ng gabay, hindi galing sa iba pang tao, ngunit sa sarili…ganyan lamang ang dapat…

Of great men and ideas...

I came home holding a large package, the Philippines’ legendary fashion photog gave me a panoramic photo of his trip form Palm Springs, a gift for his adopted prodigal daughter who just had her heart closed up today…

He hugged me so tightly and ignites so many lights for me…oh how I love him, he was smiling the entire time while we conceptualize on so many shoot details…the guy whose time is precious, it takes eons for people to get a sked from him but he gave me his entire morning and wont take calls from anyone so that we can talk about his trip and sustainable advocacies and me to blab about the stories that happened in the months that I was in exile…we were on fire, I could see the eyes of a child in him under his thick white brows…his desire to put the Filipinos on the map and his ideas to make artists’ to better themselves…I want to be just like him…someone everyone looks up to, someone whose ideas are put into countless books and glossies…someone who uses his talents for the betterment of the community…he tells me that art should be used for the good of the entire colony, not just art for art sake…so what if you can paint a million hues, so what if a picture is beautiful, if it can’t feed the hungry what good is it for the world…

He would talk of art and its philosophies and how he would want me to help with him teach it in school, I was like, me? To talk and get paid for it? why not, when I’m such a prostitute with my own words…we were laughing as I boast on the ideas that I can think of, it warms me up that he gives me respect with the things that I say, he says, ‘ haay ang yabang mo, anak nga kita,’ and I’ll be like ‘syempre manang mana sayo.’ I was on a high, a person whose name is bigger than he is, giving me this outmost attention and regard, I felt so humbled…I wish I was really his daughter…he would call me ‘pare’ knowing that I’m a lesbian, we would laugh while he tease me with all the power women he would want me to sleep with…I dread the idea, he’ll be like ‘ sige na, ayaw mo nun, when they want to bring you to bed they’ll just book a plane for you to fly to Paris so that you could be out of the media.’ I would laugh, I keep screaming, ‘Dad! I’m not a lesbian prosti!’…

Prostitutes…that’s how we are with ideas…he tells me that ideas are just ideas, the difference with great men and mediocre men are, great men gives ideas a deadline and acts on it, while mediocre men just keep on thinking til the leaves of the trees are all yellow but they’re ideas are still just ideas floating in the air…at this moment I wanted to hurry and finish all my works…god a deadline, that’s what I need…that’s what we all need…I remember another photographer friend told me, ‘you know, in anything, even depression, you have to give it a deadline.’ When I was crying last month, she told me, ‘ok tomorrow we stop talking about this and move on to greater things, iiyak mo na ngayon para bukas nakatawa kana.’ True enough the next day I didn’t cry anymore…

I was driving with my unrequited male gay crushie earlier, we would sing our lungs out with Fiona Apple and Damien Rice, oh how I miss these moments, I missed my friend from the States, she would see me in front of my monitor staring at Fiona Apple lyrics and she would be weirded out by it, next thing I know she’s beside me staring on the monitor as well… a glass of wine and packs of cigs, a little music and exchange of prose, nothing beats moments with my crazy friends…

I saw the movie opening of ‘Ploning’ today, it was quite a watch, movies like these makes me turn back and save up for the lost time, the lost memories…the seconds and minutes that I could have shared, the laughter and happiness that I could have offered, in my head, I’m not the one who lost anything, I have so much to give…

Masaya ako sa araw na ito, hindi ko na ulit nararamdaman ang pakundap kundap na kirot sa dibdib, ako na ulit, ang pusong balot ng nyebe, ang daming dapat ayusin, ang daming bloke blokeng pangarap na dapat kong marating…ako na ulit at ang patuloy na pag-inog ko sa mundo…kaninang hapon, habang nasa South Express way, may nakita akong saranggola, naisip ko, yan yan ako, lumilipad at malaya, handa na ulit makipag-amok sa tadhana…nararamdaman ko na ulit ang ilaw sa aking isip, ang pag-ibig makapaghihintay, dun na ulit sya sa dulo ng listahan, hayaan mo munang alikabukin, tama na muna ang pagtakas, matagal tagal din ako bago nakabalik, ang sarap huminga.

Ang sarap bumalik sa mundo na puno ng mga kaibigang nagbibigay sa akin ng maraming inspirasyon, lahat sila abot ang mga pangarap, ngumingiti, ganyan ako nung nakaraang taon ang dami kong natapos, at alam kong sa mga susunod na araw patuloy pa akong lilipad paitaas…alam kong ako ang ilaw, hindi ang gamo-gamo…nakakatawang isipin, ang sabi ng isa’y gusto nya akong iahon, saan? Muka bang kailangan ko ng gamot sa pagkalugmok? Nakakatawa, ako raw ay tutulungan nya upang maging maayos, eh sya ang kinailangan ng tulong ko…ni hindi ako nanghingi ng saklolo, sya ang nagtanong kung pwede akong pumasok sa kanyang mundo dahil natuwa sya sa pagkatao ko…gusto daw nyang hawakan ang kamay ko para umahon, ang siste pagtagumpay ko’y naabot pati sya may byline?…’tol, sa buhay ko palaging isa lang ang credit, si ako, ang banedosong ako…silang lahat isa lang sa mga ‘dashes’ ng buhay ko…ang halakhak hawak ko, ayan kanina nauntog ako at natauhan, syet, bakit ako nagpaanod sa talinhaga ng kanilang salita, ako ang umaapaw, liglig sa ngiti at sayaw. Ako ang nagbibigay ng buhay, wala akong hiningi ni kakarampot na limos na ligaya, ako ang nagbigay hindi sila…napagisip isip ko kagaguhan ang ipagluksa ang pagtalikod, mas madami ang sa kanya’y nawala…naalala ko ang kaibigang tingin nya sa sarili ay dyamanteng malaki pa sa gusali, sa isip isip ko, yan, ako din, isang makinang na bato, at ako ang mayari nito. Ipinahiram ko sa kanila ang buhay ko, ngunit ako pa ang nawawalan, di naman tama yon…mas matigas ang dumapong ngiti sa aking mga labi ngayon…

I hear a voice in my head…’no longer innocent…’ at last I can sleep with silence in my dreams…

Rage

I will cry for my office green wall today…I will build my own walls, something that no one can take away from me…I am mad. Mad for the loss…when life takes things from you, they take it in installment, but give you something back in return…I knocked my knee last night, now this, what is it huh…I want to rage…RAGE, I love using that as a catalyst to elevate…ahh, that’s what’s given back to me, the feeling to get angry…I want to go back to Sagada and scream my lungs out in the echo valley…there there…my voice will be heard in a million different songs…

But I find it weird, for some reason, I am not screaming and throwing tantrums the way I used to, I am not banging my phone and cussing at everyone around me…I’m taking it in, casually, maturely…it surprised everybody, me as well…I ordered Chinese food, it calms me…before, when I’m angry I would chomp on pork and say…’galit ako kaya kakain ako ng baboy!’…it just sounds funny now…I wanted to do that earlier but I dread the idea, I do not eat meat anymore, I will just mess up my digestion…

Maybe I do not need yoga anymore to control anger management…in it and above, I like saying it now…life taught me to contain it…sabi ng diwata ako daw ay taong mapagpigil bago pa ako bumulusok nitong mga nakaraan, ngayon ibinabalik ko uli, eto ako, ganito ako nabubuhay, sa pagpipigil…para walang masaktan at di ako masaktan muli…

Ilang araw na akong nagmumuni muni sa pagsisisi, ilang kaibigan na ang tumapik at pinagtanungan kung ako ba ang nagkamali…at lahat sabi nila’y ako nga daw…haaay, ang mang-iwan, kasalanan kung mayroon kang nasaktan, nasaktan nga ba sya? Bakit ako ang di mapakali, ako ang di makatulog sa gabi, ako ang nangungulila sa kakaisip…tumalikod ako upang wag masaktan, ngunit bakit ako pa din ang ganito ang nararamdaman…isang buntong hininga…ayoko na ng drama, ang dami kong responsibilidad sa sarili ko at sa trabaho…di ko na kailangan ng soap opera…

For some reason, I’m so addicted in writing now, I have a hard time focusing on my drawings and my vectors, but typing on my keypads to get things out of my head seems to be therapeutic, I want to silence my head for a while, I want to be able to sleep with dreams, not with words…its tiring me…sigh, am I leaving my papers and paint in exchange for my letters? Pati ba naman ang kamay ko ay tatalikuran ko? My eyes, I feel the bags drooping, writers are like that, god I do not want to age fast…ok, ok…to visuals I return…

I’m excited for tomorrow, I will see my mentor, I call him my dad…I’m sure he will laugh together with me…sa ilang yosi at ilang ideya, ganyan kami lumilipad sa problema...

Wounded Knee

I just got home from a fun filled night…as the fashion show opened with the models on the runway, there I was tripping on 4 chairs and banging my knee on rough ground with champagne dripping everywhere and my self…quite an opening, I always make an entrance…whew…so here I am now, nursing the wound on my knee, it hurts like hell…at least now the soreness is not on my chest, its on my knee and the sting makes me cry…fuckin stilettos, my model friends were laughing, they’re like, ‘Tatum you’re not even drunk! Only you know how to make that kind of entrance’…sigh, I was laughing with tears in my eyes…now I have to live with new scars…scars that are visible to the eye…how the hell am I going to wear my minis now…o well…

After the show we just indulge on all the champagne they were serving, I had a little too much…my friends were telling me that I am so back, the klutz, the funny one who keeps teasing the girls and the guys…the lesbian in a straight and male gays crowd…it made me laugh...as my knees bled, my mouth is wet with white wine and my eyes feasted on a pool of good looking women and men…then we went to the radio station to promote my friends campaign…there I met interesting people, new faces, with new stories to tell, a comedian, an actress, a director, djs, a manager and a restaurant owner…I just love my job, it makes me shake hands to inspiring and beautiful people…I was teasing the director about the story that I wrote, that if he is interested I would like to write a movie script for a lesbian film…he was laughing…he probably thought of women clad in bikinis humping each other…I was a little tipsy but still trying to make sense…I was shaking his hand and wouldn’t let go, I told him I want to scoop out his gift so that I can use it for me as well…he was smiling…smiles, I love seeing it in people…it warms my alcohol drenched mind…

I was waiting for the radio show to end and the alcohol was dying down…I hate it when that happens, it bores the living shit out of me, then I start to brood…I started to notice intently the people around me, such treasures I want to share with somebody other than myself...in my head sparks memories, what if, what could have been, the why’s and the maybe’s…but its all washed away…another sigh came out from my breath…someday I said, someday…

I got home so tired an sleepy… thank god, finally I can rest my head…after a cold shower I will rest in my own candy colored dreams…my own, something I can call my own…

The gems in us...

I’m so happy last night, I had fruitful conversations with my favorite gentle giant ;) I love talking to people more mature than me, makes me see things in a different light, but I am happy that I can sing along with their music, ‘unique’ he said, that’s what you are, you should be stingy with giving yourself, in my head, funny maybe I’m just autistic hahaha…but he was laughing the entire time cuz I keep on telling them the words that comes from my mouth, he was saying, ‘you do not need any wisdom from me, you know these things, you are your own self help! You’re so full of life and energy, someone needs to tame you!…’ I was laughing…

Tame me? Then my energy will be lost, silenced, caged, that is not what I need, not again I said…I am fluttering with heights, flying and dancing under the grayest of cloud…and I’m laughing, smiling like a kid who just discovered that butterflies are beautiful to touch…but butterflies, their wings can sting your eye…

Life, so many thing to discover in it but it has no guarantee…I was so excited to list down the openings of my windows that I want to put in art…another friend showed me a passage about windows…I am always in awe with windows, taken by the secrets that it holds under the blinds…people, it says, are like closed windows, it shows different views, looking at them once will not show you the entire thing, once they open you can see the dirt, the laundry and the crooked walls that surrounds it, look again and you can also see the wonderful things…the gems in all of us…some of it are precious, some as black and bland as coal, its up to you where you want to peep and keep…but as the gentle giant said 'like any other gemstone, let people search for it. Let them work hard to earn it, so that anyone who will hold it will treasure, protect and keep out of harms way'…when its gone its gone, you drop it and it will break, you let go of it in a ravine and it will be hard for you to get it back…

Ratatatata, me again, talk and talk, so many words Tatum, I think I have to silence myself for a while cuz I cannot sleep with all these things in my head…ugh, I saw the sun shine again through my room window…not again I said…I am so tired…’contain it, contain it!’…god I was scooping out everything in me and hugging myself so that it won’t burst…sleep little child, there’s so many more tomorrow…

The Music in me...

I want to write songs…I just had this aching today, I always have words borrowed from other people’s pain, why can’t I write my own when everyone learns and smiles with the things that I can do and with the things that I learn from…I am speaking to my head again, smiling, the vanity in me, now it makes me laugh…it makes me appreciate the artists that helps me cope, the voices that draws me, the lives that even my life lives…makes me realize that we are all the same…in words, in art…god I love the beauty that pain creates…

See I told you sadness is beautiful, it makes you create…look at the angel, she was able to create a prose not in her language when I left, look at the other one who was not meant for me, she also wrote a poem about the moon, that I was the moon and she offered it to me…it makes me so fulfilled, maybe that is my role and mission in life, to be the moon that shines on them, to be the flame to ignite their desires, even if it burns and falls right through me, I use it for me as well…look at the moon that hovered on me for a month and broke my heart, she made me write a 44 page story that all my friends appreciated…thank you to all of you…you touched my heart in more ways than one…everyday its filling up the holes…now I have to continue and light the rays of my flame so I can continue to inspire others and for me to fly away to another dimension…diwata…yan ang aking misyon…so to the other diwata na mahilig umindak…sumunod ka at wag malunod…ganyan tayo, lumilipad paitaas upang iwan lahat at wag bumulusok…

Love on a different light...

I am writing again about love…its everywhere, I felt it since my year started…I loved and enjoyed every single bit of it…I picked up my pencils and sketch pad again, continuing the goal I was supposed to finish before my birthday…I lost my energy to create since last year because I was as cold as snow…I couldn’t feel…how can you create when the color means empty and the lines bare…now that I am reborn I feel more alive than ever…excited to use colors that came from the fruits of my heart…

I am so thankful…if I die today, everything that happened to me were worth it…the love I shared and the tears I shed…every inch worth it…it makes me feel so happy and inspired…so I will paint while my wounds are still sore…it will quench my thirst…I am so parched…

Love is all around us…an angel told me about the different shades of it…of romance, of friendship, of relationships…love…I think that’s what I am in love with…the idea of love…I am not a Juliet, I am and will always be a Romeo dressed in gown, funny it sounds so gay, but that’s me I am gay… love is not complicated, its relationships that makes everything complicated…it’s selfishness that makes one to let go, immaturity and insecurity…these things are the things that breaks us and leaves us undignified and broken…but these are also the things that makes us human…feelings that are used up…

Love, it’s not all about attraction to another person, it’s not about jealousy and selfishness or the memories of the past, it’s not about lust…I fall in love with details…of someone’s being…eyes, hands, the touch, the laughters, the pain, the quirks that keeps us smiling, the things that tickles me, the dreams, the things that’s worth more than money…the broken things that needs to be fix, the kindness and openness of one’s heart…even the tiniest pore that looks funny…they’re beautiful to me...

Beauty, I think I’m addicted to it…and for some reason it always cross my path…which is good, I need it…to feel...which is also bad, cuz it hurts like hell…so I think not for now…it scares the living shit out of me…

Someone asked me about love, she said aren’t we suppose to work hard for it and fight for it? I told her, why will you fight for something that is not yours…that’s not love, that’s selfishness…and she asked again, ‘why does love cause us pain and makes us flee’…I told her, you know, love, it also gets tired…and hello, I do not have the answer to it all, I am just a catalyst to love, a pawn and a slave to it…god it’s tiring…

Me, I will continue to love and give to who ever I find beautiful but for now I still have to pick up the pieces that I gave to all those I loved, I ran out of it and I left nothing for my self…but love, it’s so much beautiful when it’s yours, reciprocated…for now, I will use all my pain and desire with my brush and paper…and to see the result of your works is better than orgasm…

The one who got away...

I keep searching for the answers but I knew all along, I know, that’s the problem, I assume I know too much…thinking and speaking mostly just destroys everything…sigh, I look in the mirror today and I aged more than a year with thinking too much…I tried to quench my thirst but it still kept me parched…

Human nature, we destroy things that are perfect…but sometimes its better that way, to destroy something that hasn’t begun so that the memory will be kept intact…forever she says…yes keep it and treasure it forever, the pieces of me that I’ve shared is worth a lifetime…

Just keep on walking, that’s how everything should be…every time you look up the sky and see the moon, remember me whispering ‘I will fly you to the moon and back and not even the Jupiter’s storm can burn our wings…’ Remember that I showed you the vastness of the world, that even if you turn it upside down it is still beautiful…like us smaller than the tiniest grain of sand…but glistening, pawns that makes up what life is…it’s just is…

Last night, a part of my heart was given back to me, from the bunny hole that I lost a long time ago…it made my heart warmer, a piece closed up a wound…I thanked her for the past she shared with me, it is what I needed, to be acknowledged that I even existed…

The diwata told me I am like a book…something that you can’t put down and will always remember in your heart…ang hiwagang hindi mawawala…masarap pakinggan, masarap maramdamang ikaw ay buhay sa mga taong iyong dinaanan…maybe I have to accept that it’s my role in life…to be part of them, but not to keep…just another stone you might crash when you hold tightly…

A thousand and a million more holes…that’s what needs to be closed up…I feel my chest today…not numb…it’s beating, but every beat feels sore…do not poke it or hold it, it's not welcoming...i do not need consolation, from angels nor muse...i will smile with no one to hold me, it’s the queen in me…I am free.

Beautiful

I woke up today with a bad headache, I heard my phone squeak so I turned, the angel greeted me good morning…it made me think once more…it lulls my reverberating head from the night of confusion, last night was a mess for me…I saw the girl who broke my heart…what a headache…I wanted to bury her but I can feel the scars getting sore, I breathe in and close it up, I know I am strong, I am standing with my toes on the ground, TALL, that I am…heights that will develop overtime…

The song plays again…’this phenomenon, I gotta put it in a song and it goes like this…oh, amber is the color of your energy…’I wanted the angel to hear it too but the message came in a bad time…I detached myself to understand…in it and above, that’s how everything should be…I stood up and shrug selfishness and let kindness and openness dawn on me…it always helps…I need to be alone she says…alone…then I look at myself, yes, alone, that’s what I need as well…not temporary bandage that I keep filling in but doesn’t even fit…ALONE…we are all better of…

At this moment I decided to close up and let her be…still not meant for us…so what can we do if we realize that we just found the most amazing personalities in us…we aren’t ready…the sweet nothings we fill each other with, they are EMPTY…the hugs and kisses on our necks and the strength of our grips…they are empty…it’s sad to find the right person when your heart is black and frozen as snow…it’s sad…but that is life…I could see her lovely smiles sparks in my memory, her laughs that tickles me, her eyes that swims right through me, her soft skin that calms me, her words that taunts me, her charm, her brilliance, her stance, her silly little quirks and her colorful polygons…she is the one for me, a combination of two of the women I love in the past that still warms my heart…she is beautiful and my angel…I want her to be the one…we would tell each other ‘you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met’…but love, she says, ‘its complicated’…thus it is, it leaves us all undignified and battered…you act on it and hurt will surely head its way, to break us…she will not be a stain that scars me…I do not want her to be…oh how this feels so heavy…it pains me…

We struggle to survive but we survive never the less…to let go and dive on our own, that’s how we get by…I wanted to dance with new music in my ears…with my self, I am dancing with myself, but I am smiling…

Someone told me that love shouldn’t be all pain, it should be happiness…I look at all the people that surrounds me…women…we are all broken…the girl who persists, the diwata and her prose, the angel who saved me, the scorpion that stings her heart, the drama queen who keeps calling, the broken mind who broke me, my first love and her tact…we all have different stories, different pains, different smiles, somehow all crooked…and for some uncanny reason we are all connected to each other…our voices echoes in entanglement…I could see it in my head, the strings of thoughts, the moans of laughter’s and pain…we echoed the same…LOVE, longing and desire…it leaves us sore…To let go and free ourselves of these, that’s what needs to be done…my blinders are not with me anymore I can see, hear, and feel, and I will paint all the colors that comes my way…

WOMEN…we are beautiful you know…amazing in all hues…we should embrace and let go…I wish I can hug them all and give what is due, but my hands are small and my heart can only beat for one…we all have a home, we don’t have to search for it, it will find us…the things that we can do with our hands and minds, let all the things that burns us be put into beauty…’smile for me will you?’ and I will smile for you…

Borrowed Light...

I saw an angel last night, the one with a beautiful smile…the one with a gentle tone…the one with watery eyes that swims through my soul…

Not water this time…air…pure air…I sense freedom…I want to hold her hand and jump through the mountain top and just feel the breeze of the wind brush through our skin…but I hesitate every time I feel her…she hesitates just the same…love ridden souls…that’s what we are…

…I am amazed by her world and she is amused in mine…collision? Nah…time…time…

I will wait, patiently…’Your Heart is not ready,’ I hear my instincts whisper to me…I never take anything half-hearted…but for her, borrowed times will do for now…I lend her my time she lend me hers, I lend her my words and she takes it with much appreciation, I lend her my ears and I listen to her woes…

We both have bandaged scars that gives us momentary relief…scars…scars…I will not process them this time…I will just indulge…with what I can and what she can offer…equality she says…but how can it be equality when we are both not ready to give…borrowed…everything is borrowed…

…fillers? Is that what we are? Temporary numbness to beaten hearts…another escape? I will not surrender once more…I will not keep my blinders but feel and see every inch of it, the world, not just hers…the world…so much to love about it…and she is a part of it…

I will not jump in haste…I am made of tough stains, stains that preserves me…her…I do not want her to be another stain…she is worth more than just a memory…she is worthy and she knows I am as well…what will I make of it…ellipsis…the three married dots…it will do for now...

Angel Eyes...

This is the first night that I saw myself back to reality again…not in my head anymore…I look at my wall from my home office and so many things are laid down before me…the things that I have to accomplish and do while I’m still young…I am done with escaping the world I need to focus on painting it again…

So much to do, so little time…I want to do so much that everything is cluttered before me…the studies I want to take, the paths I want to lead, the things I want to learn, and the things that I need to discover…I am so confused that I do not know where to start…

Responsibilities…I need to face them once more…the bills to pay, god I forgot all my deadlines…they bit me when I woke…my calendar is cluttered once more…I feel like a kid who needs a mom…to tell me what to do and where to begin…

It’s hard waking up from a long slumber. Like a vampire scared of the light, but I needed the burn…torched…that is what happened…

I am so alive the past days that my hands are aching for salvation...I feel like a blind man who sees again and the light rattles me…

Last Sunday I woke up with a big smile on my face…so freeing…I feel like life is one huge experiment and we create so many things from the predicaments it offers…I just need to focus on where to start…a thousand and a million holes…that much to fill…I looked at chapters in my life and I saw so many starting points, and I am always intrigued by the idea but for some reason I never finish…always just on the premise…oh guidance, maybe that is what I needed…

Muses…I asked myself the other day, is it what I needed? But muses suck me dry…some of the bad ones that started my year…I think I need a new one, another inspiring aura…I had so many of them last year…I need to pile up on them once more…

Useless addiction, I have to rid myself of those…me again…that is my addiction…order, that is what I want…focus that is what I want to muster…

An angel told me that she wants to heal me, but I am already healed. I just laugh at the wounds, I see it as something unreal…invisible scars, that is all I have…step 1,2,3…so many things to do…ugh, life needs to fix my schedule…maybe I should take what the angel offered, maybe…it could be good for me…may you guide my hand to the beautiful things it can create and swim right to my soul so I could dance once more to the music that plays in my head…

An epiphany…maybe not muses…angels…I had so many angels in my life in different chapters…they lead me to discover my path…oh, yes…angels…they are what I need…

Fixed

I just got my car back today…fixed, one piece, like me…I am me again…I already put down the story that I kept in installment, my friend said it was an interesting peep in the world of dark glittering lights…it has served its purpose, for me to be redeemed. It doesn’t matter if everyone read it or not all that matters is the ones who I knew would understand understood every prose…

As I drove my car, I felt the rush in my blood…like Lestat revived, chasing the wind as life runs through my veins…I can sing happy songs again…my wish was to feel and so I did, I have no regrets of the things that happened to me, that is life, to the fullest…I wouldn’t have it any other way and I am proud of how I played my part…

As I drove my car I was laughing like a kid again, no longer empty…I could hear the credits roll as the soundtrack play in the background, ‘Grateful’…that I am…but like any other movie, the ending is just the beginning…the tears I’ve shed and the memories I’ve shared, I will keep it in me…she said she will never forget and I know I will always remember…as of the past and the present, I know I always have a new story to tell, and thus I will keep making them…

A friend once told me that if you have a unique name then you will lead an extraordinary life as well…the crazies, I know I will keep attracting them, the broken things that needs to be fixed…every one is the same…it just makes life interesting, who would want to be perfect anyway, perfect is boring…like a vase with perfect curves, it’s beautiful but doesn’t have that much of stories to tell, but a broken vase that sits by the corner that gathered up dust has much interesting details…her mind, broken as it is but I still find the beautiful things in it…

Heights, more of it will come…I will create it…and so as I keep my foot moving one after the other I will continue to paint my world again…smiles…I will keep finding them…

Rewrite me...

So this is how it feels to feel nothing…ive been searching for words to describe it, its hard to come up with one concrete thought…I am drained up to the last drop…hurt, confuse, awe, humiliation, frailty, happiness, bitterness, grief, regret, stupidity, jealousy, love…god love, I do not know how to feel it now… I am now confused what these words mean…she drained me of it…now I walk like a corpse waiting to be reborn again…

I stare at myself in the mirror wishing hard to put me back in one piece, the person I know, the person that heals, yet no matter how many times I blink I am still there sitting on the floor, blank, out of words…wash me new…I want to be whole again…

Rewrite my spirits once more…