Tic toc…
It’s been a while since I use words with this tongue…
Para bang may kumagat at tila diko mapigilan…kumatok pa kasi, ngayo’y pilipit ang dila…kibit…nakalimot di muna tumingin sa bintana…
Sandali, kaya mo ba? Animo tila natatawa…ako yata ang di kaya…nawiwili sa kapitbahay na makata…
…isa pa…buntong hininga…wala namang mapapala…sakit sa ulo sabi ng kabila…eto dito, tumanaw ka muna…
I’m stuck at work til midnight…have to finish dozens of deadlines but I’m here again staring blankly at my computer…come 1am I need to go somewhere, dance…pretend to drink some bottle I don’t like what’s inside…I’m really tired, I wish I can just slip under my sheets and hide in slumber and wake up next year…my assistant won’t shut that fuckin’ sound…god ballad, please spare me the season of red…can it just be black? Parang Piolo lang sa billboard dun sa EDSA…tatlong taon na paulit ulit lang ang istorya, minsan…minsan…o tama na…
I want new stories to tell, its tiring to always go back to those pastures I use to reside…I am a wolf now, don’t they all travel in packs? Why am I hunting alone…what a selfish canine…wants it all for herself…thus, still alone…Narsisa magbago kana, diba’t sa lathala nalunod at nawalang bigla?…palibhasa takot mabasag ang nakataklop…ayan nagtatago sa lilim..kung saan madali…kung saan di napapaso…bakit may magtangka mang pumaso lunod naman sa ginaw ng abo mo…sumisilip, nakikililim, hinihipan mong pilit…what a paradox…
…I have to go soon…want to go driving somewhere while listening to endless Buckley and Sia songs, hoping maybe it can wash me anew…it’s easier when you’re mourning for someone at least you know who to blame, at least songs can be for some one, not some old tale washed white already with bleach I can barely touch it…it just feels so hallow…reminds me of Cameron in ‘The Holiday’ trying so hard to put out a tear…I don’t remember the last time I did…tic toc…empty counting of time…it bores me some times… another soul told me again, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? 3 years dear, that’s not a joke anymore, you’re too hard of an egg to crack…’ what will I do, nothing and no one interests me much…they smile back at you and I dip in it for a while, but never let it simmer…they still haven’t caught my grasp (Alfie ikaw ba yan? feeling mo naman, e si Alfie kumusta naman? diba’t mag-isa)
…the other night a pretty girl had her arms around my back, whispering some melodramatic sweetness that makes my skin cringe…why? Probably cuz it sounds like another soup I have to sip for dinner, what about the entrée, serve me something hot with tasty treat in it, something worthy of conversation not some pasty soup I just had last week…but not meat, I just turned pesco-vegan, red meat might choke me…hahaha I’m fasting…
…Gone gone for now…god there it is again…and she’s singing together with it…shut that thing up! there there thank you, finally a different sound…