It looks like rain today…
Staring at my monitor for an hour now, I have to start writing an article but I’m so fucking lazy to do anything work related…I just really want to do some no brainer stuff right now, like choose from the 200 photos taken from my birthday and prey on some stuff on the net or repeatedly watch lword threads from youtube while listening to Jeff Buckley at the same time…I’m so in love with his song ‘Everybody here wants you’ and ‘Striptease for me Baby’…its on loop in my earplugs for the entire day, can’t help but move with it…it’s so sexy…
…The buzz from my meds are wearing off already, I wish my cough would die down soon, I bark like a mad dog from the cigarettes I’ve been puffing for days now, its so gross…after days and days of partying and celebrating my birthday I’m finally back to reality…its tiring…maybe it means I will be celebrating for the rest of the year…I just reached the mark, one line away from 25…in the next years I will be nearing the age which women my age dread…20 going 30…I can’t imagine I’m older than my mom now when she had me…scary…
…January and the start of February is simply crazy…I haven’t had the time to stare at myself in the mirror and examine if I aged a little, funny, I’m always rushing and packing my stuff…my room is so cluttered I don’t have floor to walk on…all my baggage from my Davao trip and Sagada are still where I left them the moment I got home, my Sagada clothes are soiled and damped from the caving and I forgot to take them out last week it might have had its own colony already when it dawned on me…my shoes are everywhere, either they’re stuck in the trunk of my car or scattered around the house…I always end up using the same pair when I go to the office cuz I forget where I put the others, other than my shoe rack which I never really put my shoes in…I need a house keeper, or just someone to fix up my cabinet and laundry, its so hard to find someone I can trust while I’m away at work, I have to be at the house all the time when they’re cleaning up, and by god, I am never home… I have a mountain in my condo already critters might start coming out from it…it’s not funny…this week I promise myself that I will not runaway from my domestic chores…so many papers are piled up already in my home office I need to tidy up to find things…
My eyes are racing down…I should put them to rest I guess…then wake up super early to finish my deadline…last night was pretty bad, I procrastinated til 4am in the morning, staring in the monitor and watching TiBette moon over each other…I love them…I wish I have what they have…used to have…freakin story of my life…I was talking to my cousin over dinner about owning ones life, how I feel like mine is borrowed…I’ve been living in Manila for almost 9 years already and still I don’t feel like I own it, I go home to my apartment and I feel restless…I forget sometimes that I have a family back home in the province, but when I’m there I also feel like its not my life…then where is it…I do not know where I belong and what I can own…it scared me a little…borrowed time, borrowed life, it’s so easy to live in the shadow of what people see you as…I fixed my photo blogs earlier, making everything in secured setting, it scared me that I let people see me in the photos I’ve taken in the past years…they know me as the girl holding her drink, dancing in the dance floor, puffing cigarettes, dressed up in every flash…the girl whose smile is the same in every shot and changes as the wine decreases in her hands…I looked at that person and I didn’t see me…I stared at my photos and I do not know the face that stared so familiar to me…I lost myself somehow, I do not know where it resides…I will close my eyes in a few minutes now…I will knock on my own door…I wonder who’s in side…sleep…sleep is good…