« December 2007 | Main | February 2008 »

HUnger hurts, but starving works...

Why can’t I keep those that purify me…I always have to drop it, like losing a stone in a ravine, I cannot get it back…I don’t want to bite like the wolves that I dread, that is not what I am made of… I just want a little borrowed time when I feel like I need it…selfish, but we both use each other in our own ways…

…getting used to the habit can be excruciating when you rid yourself of it…it haunts…as the song goes, ‘hunger hurts but starving works’…

I only wanted to drown from words, words from my mouth and yours…without malice, without shame, with no guilt to crucify our selves in…I do not need guilt when I have done nothing wrong…I only wanted someone to hear…you don’t have to be visible for me to feel…everything in my world is already a whirlpool of chaos…what you are is an escape, a silent retreat that I like to reside in once in a while…I shut myself from reality and connect to you in a simple phrase…it consumes me…I scream silently and you echoed with me…you don’t have to be real…I don’t want you to be real…

…I don’t search, I am found…and that will remain…

…I swim now in red…and linger in it…Fiona is singing in my ears, whispers of prose that elevates me…I’m back to my own corner again, shut eyes, floating in the music that soothes my nerves…words, my kind of drug…in the coming days the music will change…something to feed my hunger for rhythm, and I will once again dance where the music will take me… do not look for me on the stage cuz I won’t show my self…I will no longer tempt you because you burn in my light…and that light is shut, it no longer glows for you cuz you know what is behind it…it is not pretty, it’s not fun…a meaningless pursuit…it tastes bitter in my mouth, it may have lingered for a while but I did not swallow for I know that it is poison…

I can say a thousand and more words, something that can make you squirm and tremble but I will not…I want you to remain unscathed…I’m just a silly little Juliet whose tongue can beat how many of your Romeos…

…I will starve my self for now, you do to…I will be looking back at the ravine where I lost the stone, I hope it will find its way back to me somehow…

                            

Ready for another lovely year

2007 was a lovely rollercoaster ride for me, by far my favorite year of my entire existence…I’m sitting here now in front of my home office looking at the goals I’ve pasted on my wall, I love the fact that I accomplished the things that I wanted done this year…

Littlepiper

It is the year I turned a year older and I took it without complaint, I loved being 25, I look in the mirror each day and I see a woman facing me, no longer a skinny girl staring back at me, it must be the yoga, gym and dancing classes I took this year…this coming year I am planning to go pesco-vegan, I know I can do it and I will ☺, I still need a little nudge on the smoking habit, I quit but I went back, it still sickens me though…

I met a lot of new characters this year, mostly mature people, creative and happy with their lives, people who inspired me to do so many things in life and live each day with purpose, this coming year I will use the things I learned to expand the dash in my life. The ‘dash’, I came across this book while in Hong Kong last year, it says, when we die, a few letters and words are inscribed on the tomb stone, our name, some stuff about being a daughter, friend, and all that, then there’s the date of our birth, a dash and the date of our death. What defines our entire life is the dash and we do what we can to make that small line colorful and meaningful.

Anyway, I loved the little dashes I made this year, I went back to my creative roots and started joining workshops again, sketching on the empty sketch pads that managed to gather up dirt in one corner of my wall…I will be fixing all of them in the coming months to show to public, I’m so excited I need to finish them fast…also, finally got my website to fill up with all the things I’ve created in the five years I’ve spent in the magazine industry, this year I hope to finish the design and content already.

As of last year I am married to two commitments and hopeful for many more years together— a girlfriend and a boyfriend, my trusty girlfriend, my lesbian Mac book pro (don’t worry baby I will not replace you just yet) who made money for me this year, with so many projects, digital imaging campaigns, 2 books (and more to follow), calendars, posters, international brochures, local brochures, cards, invites, stage designs, logos, and so many vector graphics…she’s my friend who stays with me 24 hours a day. Who sees me when I'm groggy, cranky, and happy…and then there’s my needy boyfriend-my 2door blue car, which brought me to more than 1000km already in the few weeks that I got it. Drove him alone to Nueva Ecija back and forth, brought him to Marikina, Tagaytay, and my little adventure in Parañaque. God, he can be a little needy but I’m in love and it’s teaching me to pay more attention to my poor navigation skills and I don’t get drunk on parties anymore cuz I have to be sane when I drive home. So far, I bumped him to two cars already, managed to blew a tire on the road, and to date, I got stopped by a traffic enforcer for swerving but managed to smile my way out of it.

As for a real love affair good luck to that, but this year I’m thinking why not, maybe a little peek to break the wall won’t hurt much…hmmm I just got to work on liking the ‘bagets.’ no more of them ☺ last year I managed to get a reputation for being an old maid who like younger girls, hahaha, not cute! Oh yeah, last year was also the year I had my face titled as a lesbian on the newspaper, haha, and for some reason no one back home got hold of it. It would have saved me already from all the questioning… this year I will remain as one, and I still don’t see why I should hide it. I’m happy and I’m gay! Loud and proud, until some knight manage to sweep me off my feet…we’ll see if I got the bones for that…for now, I’m still ok with the muses, and I still got to find some more who will inspire me and hopefully land to the keeper, life is worthless after all if you have no one to share it with…hahaha it still grosses me in some way…hmmm I’ll get a plant first then let’s see if I can nurture it for a month…

The beginning of last year started with a rough start, having been hospitalized and missing on so many important things in life but the months that followed proved to be worth every second of my waking moment. I was watching National Geographic during the holidays and there was a commercial about the hours we spent on life…it says we spent almost 25 years of our lives sleeping, how many more years watching TV and 19 days looking for the remote and so many more sitting on traffic, the rest of the years spent on work and so much more work, so we only have so little time to actually spend it on living, it got me off the couch instantly…how scary the thought that we live each day and we spend so little to actually live it…looking at my 101 list of things to do in life so far I’ve ticked major parts that I want and there are so many more for me to do... so many more people to meet, lovely lips to kiss and a few to keep, so many aspects of life to conquer, so many places to go to, and so many new music to dance to each day…