I am so happy today…anxious actually, god I feel like a kid in love…what a weird analogy…I can’t explain it, it must be the wine and the nice conversations I had tonight with inspirational and delightful people. I love this feeling of knowing exactly what I want and getting it. I can’t wait to embark on the project that I’ve been postponing for how many months now. I’m so excited, I am dancing inside my head ☺ I feel like flying to the moon and back…I’m so happy I can’t wait to put it into actions. Now I know why people do things for other people without expecting anything in return…it feels so good…I’m so sleepy, I’m sure I will have a hard time sleeping from all the ideas swimming inside my head…it’s better than counting candy colored sheeps ☺
I was browsing some ‘bagets’ photos the other day and I’m thinkin’ what the fuck am I doing, god I’m too old to be hanging out with younger girls, I mean come on, they’re kids…girls…not women…they don’t inspire me, they kill my existence…I love women my age or older, they’re driven, motivated, fun and crazy but responsible about serious matters, and most of all good conversationalists…they inspire me to do more… but with these young ones, my god, they make me want to just sleep and be extra lazy the entire day…that’s not good for me…
I find myself surrounded with mature people now most of the time (fact being in a magazine with a mature audience), and they make fun of me when I say I’m seeing someone younger, it’s not even funny, I feel like a freakin’ dirty old maid when they make fun of it. And its so true, it’s not cute to be seen with one, I mean why the hell am I even trying when I know that it’s just another crazy venture with more loss than gain, it sounds like the stock market ☺ my broker gave me my analysis last month and told me that I’m still a conservative risk taker. Funny, even in relationships I’m thinking before I even act out, conservatively? Hahaha maybe just scared of responsibilities…come on Tatum , knock knock on heavens door…responsibilities, I feel like I’m their ate! I’m not used to being one in the group as I’m always the baby, well Ate just with my brothers but in a pool of people I am usually the younger one…age is catching up so fast, now I feel like I have to be the mature one, the one who’ll guide and show them the right way, shit, right way? How can that be when I’m lost as hell…
I was watching Uma Thurman in ‘Prime’ the other day, my god it’s so hard to be in the same predicament! Seeing your lover do nothing but binge and bitch all day, no dreams, unsure future, shucks, I don’t think it’s healthy, it’s nice when you kind of grow together at least you’re still in the same phase…hindi yung ‘ pabalik kana, sya papunta pa lang’. it turns me off sometimes talking on the phone with younger ones, they sound weird to me…they tell you of things that doesn’t seem so important to be fussing about. I wonder, I was probably the same while I was their age… I don’t know, I think I was forced to mature faster and face responsibilities at an early age…it also helps that I was out of my parents’ wing since 16 years old, facing the city alone…it was one hell of a ride being young and naïve, and I get to be around people who were a little older than me, I learned a lot from them, harshly at times, but well worth it…now, I’ll be the older one? The teacher? I don’t think so…I get lazy and reckless around them…they’re time is mostly spent on hanging out in café’s, drinking at someone’s house or bar til morning and going to school the next day…and they ask me, ‘What did you do today?’ and I will enumerate the things I did and I would find my life a little too preoccupied… it’s tiring seeing it on the calendar but it’s nice to see that every hour is well spent…with purpose…banking everything for long term independence…(hahaha, naks)
Shucks, I am getting old…I’m accepting it more now, and freely with no bitterness…age is slowly creeping on me but every line mark on my forehead is a line that reminds me of stories, stories worth telling…every blown up pore speaks of aging but I’m still smiling, I would see cellulite peeking on my thighs as I force myself to fit in my skimpy shorts (they get smaller everyday!), I would scream of horror but I would stare back at the mirror and see that I’ve grown, finally a woman is staring back at the reflection…I’m no longer bagets, I think I can get used to it.
So no more candy treats for me, 5 years and I’m already 30, I should be focusing more on better things than hearing some one on the other line fuss about what the other cute bagets is saying behind her back or how they wish there would be more rain so classes can be cancelled, or how their parents won’t allow them to go, or silly messages like ‘sleep na me’…‘eat na me’…’geh poh’,’sorry po’— it’s so saaaaad! come on Tatum! Forward not backwards, that’s the way to walk…
Recent Comments