Broken Window

Haay, funny, I’m still confused, I slept last night trying to figure out issues in my head and I woke up today having the same questions. It’s silly really, but I can’t let it go, I find my self trying to understand why some femme lesbian women choose to be with butch partners…does that consider them lesbians or women scared to dive in to real women and might eventually come back to going for real men?

People can’t choose whom they love, and labels are really bad, I myself hate labels but I’m just trying to make sense out of something I cannot understand but I respect people’s own decisions and choices. I’m just being human by wanting some sort of explanation to something I really cannot comprehend. They call me lipstick lesbian; others say ‘doily lesbian’ I prefer just being categorized as ‘femme’. First off I’m not so fond of lipstick cuz I end up eating most of it anyway, maybe Ellen de Generes was right for saying ‘chapstick lesbian’, I’d rather be that…and I hate doilies, who likes to wear those anyway, and I don’t think I’d be caught dating someone who looks like Ellen de Generes, not that I have anything against butch lesbians but I’m simply not attracted to them, well maybe if they look really hot and wouldn’t mind being girly some times. If I’m ever going to date someone who looks, smells and act like a man, I might as well choose a real one, why get something incomplete for the same price anyway…HEARTACHE. Sometimes I think I’m more of a lesbian than most I know of. I always believed that by being a lesbian you love women without having to act and look like a guy. You simply love women for who they are and what they stand for, their femininity, vulnerability, and their annoying and lovable quirks. With two ‘femme’ in a relationship people always ask who’s the guy in it, does it always have to be that there is someone playing the guy? When you say a ‘guy’ in a relationship does it mean, maturity? Security? Stability? Masculinity? The person who wears pants most of the time? Or some one who simply succumbs to the other partners every whim?

I asked some one the other day why she prefers a more masculine woman than that of a girly one, and she couldn’t give me a concrete answer, she just said she couldn’t imagine seeing herself being intimate with some one who’s as girly as her. Why is that? I still don’t get it, is it the same as women looking at one another as competition all the time? Is it cuz as women we would prefer that we are the ones being checked out than the other woman beside us? How shallow can the answer get?

Few years back I got dumped cuz my ex simply cannot take the fact that I wore dangling earrings. I was so devastated, after years of being together; she suddenly realized I was a girl after all. I couldn’t understand why. It only answered so many questions I had during the years we were together. She said she just couldn’t take the fact that I’m becoming girly already, which was weird cuz I wore miniskirts even before I met her, I wore dangling earrings in high school and I’ve always been more ‘maarte’ than her. When I was with her I felt like I was forced to be some one I’m not, my tube tops would get confiscated, and she won’t let me wear those bikinis while going swimming. And that just made me so clueless. I am a woman and I would like to look and act like one (well of course not just some one who wants to be objectified, some one more than that), or else I might as well throw away one of the most precious thing a woman can have, her femininity. So whom did she love all those years? A person trapped in the wrong body?

Sigh, this 80’s butch and femme lesbian cliché always make it hard for me to hook up with a femme looking lesbian, I went on a lesbian party once and femmes would look at me like I’m the enemy just cuz I look like them. One girl I was dancing with got confused why I was dancing with her in the first place. Other girly looking ones are just trying out women so they could be labeled adventurous but heart still goes for men. So where do I freaking belong? Besides it’s not like I’m ‘girly girly’, I happen to move really roughly and wouldn’t mind playing basketball or climbing a tree and sweating out some flabs, but I wouldn’t do it looking like a boy in rubber shoes.

On another light, I’m so excited that L word is playing on Philippine cable all ready, they just started airing the first season tonight at 2nd Avenue ETC, it’s on every Thursday at 9pm. I’ve seen the entire 4 seasons all ready and it’s just so addicting for lesbians and also for real women, straight, bi or bi curious. Most of the people I lend my DVDs to loved the show,STRAIGHT or NOT.
It just touches every part of being a woman, the pain, the loss, the love, and longings every one of us has in our daily lives, plus the script is really witty. Anyway, I’m excited for the people who’ll finally be able to view it on local TV, it’ll just open so many issues that people would normally shy away from. But it could also be bad cuz most close minded people would see it as exploitation of women for the benefit of men and lesbians alike. That is just SO WRONG… men would love it for it’s lusty girl on girl action (which they would probably cut) but its so wrong to see it that way, so wrong…only shallow and emotionally retarded folks would think its that trashy. Well that’s just what I think and being on the other side of the fence could make my opinion a biased one.

Anyway I hope people would see it, if you can’t relate to anyone of the characters one way or another I say you’d be lying to yourself.

I’m so addicted going to the gym now…I never thought I’d prefer to go to my hatha yoga class than watch a fashion show or go drink the night away, I just couldn’t get my self to miss a day not working out those love handles I’ve been trying to get rid since I fell in love with rice again…RICE I tell you, is the enemy! They nourish you yet they give you those extra flab’s…I love to cook rice concoctions so much that its so hard to stir away from them… hmmm fried rice, sometimes I just dunk mouthful servings of it or worse put the rice cooker beside me when I eat so I keep getting more, eating like there’s no tomorrow then feel guilty after, it’s disgusting…I’ve been avoiding them now though since I started working out and my I love the results…I lost most of the excess love handles (which no one needs anyway, especially if your not getting any love at all! hahaha), and my tummy area is getting harder, I hope I’m ready for summer clothing again ☺ … I still can’t seem to fit my self on those one-piece white bikinis with cuts on sides that’ll make you want to work out 24 hours a day!

Anyway, I’m so irritated I missed my classes for a few days cuz I had to work so I flip my mat at home and started working on those sculpt Pilates poses, it’s so different doing it alone, it’s better having an instructor screaming at you to ‘activate those 6-pack’, you’ll feel more motivated and the sight of sweaty muscles in tights makes me just want to push myself…I walk painfully with swollen muscles everyday but what the hell It’ll be worth it anyway, the more painful the more results I guess, hahaha…

Funny, I turned my body upside down, abused it, now trying to revive it again, it’s never too late I guess…I love the fact that I quit smoking, feels like I can breathe more and I don’t get tired so easily, it’s just hard to avoid it when every one puffs it out on your face when you’re out at night…one of the reason I stopped going out for a while…they say there’s a difference between being dry and being sober…being dry is having the same lifestyle and just avoiding the bad vices that comes with it, but being sober is totally changing the environment you hangout out at and the people you hang out with. I want to choose being dry and disciplined, sometimes I feel so domesticated with my new habits-gym, work, and evenings at home to my new baby-my gender confused laptop ☺, but as long as its beneficial and I get things done I guess its ok…o well I’ll go back to my mat now, still have to work on my superman and swan dives hahaha…