Broken Window

According to Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy) “life isn’t suppose to be so hard”…and it is true, we are the ones who just make it so complicated. Life can be so extreme at times though, sometimes you get so lonely, often times we’re so happy that we forget everything else. Everything just have to be balanced I guess, it’s just hard, some do it, some don’t. I for one am in the middle of everything else, trapped in limbo but manages to survive everyday, not because I don’t have a choice, but I want to.
Life actually offers so much, it’s the people that surrounds us that makes everything blurred. Which reminds me of this new obsession I have with an anime series I came across with last Halloween, it’s “Girl From Hell”. It’s a story about a girl who delivers vengeance for anyone who’s a victim of mean heartless people, she sends anyone straight to hell. Haha, I know it sounds funny but it’s really interesting and kind of scary at times J and obviously not for kids. I love this line–– “When one is cursed, two graves are dug.” Emma Ai (Hell Girl) always say this speech every time she sends someone to hell. Oh well, I hope we human beings have it in us not to think bad of other people, judge nor ridicule. It’s mostly why some of us choose not to be attached and be reserved, it just feels safer that way. I was talking to someone last weekend and I heard about a friend who’s sick and chose not to fight it anymore just cuz…it feels so sad that there are people who just give up on life. I used to think that way and live recklessly but it’s actually up to us how we can make the things that surround us look lovelier than the hell we envisioned it to be. What makes it more depressing is this person have so much but fails to see what’s there–beautiful, talented, promising and has a lot of friends and people who believes, cares and wants to support and lend a helping hand. This person had a lot of chances for new beginnings already but always messes it up to the brink that resorted to this predicament. It sucks for the ones who care but are shut down, how can you help someone who doesn’t want to be saved, and how can you love someone who doesn’t even love thyself. In the end you just end up saving yourself from the agony so u don’t get dragged down with it, but what sucks is that conscience has a way of making it more miserable for the one who got away.

I love sadness and depression but sometimes it’s exhausting, for you and the people that surrounds you. There’s more to life that gloomy hazy days, there’s always sunshine after every rain, and smiles after every tear. We can always recognize it’s beauty and the art it brings, the way I do it is spend days on my bed with the blinds drawn to trap the light, and swim in sad music til I get so depress and cry my heart out on the empty space beside me, muse on sad memories and the loss I always linger on, call up my friends and be cynical with them, blah blah blah until I get hungry in time for me to get up and cook something for myself, and by the time I gorge myself with food and watch endless tv shows I feel better already and ready for the coming offering that life set upon my path. It’s funny and weird but that’s how I get by. And I wish it could be that easy for other people. Time hardens everyone, that’s what happened to me I guess. I just resigned myself from everything else and just wait what else will come, and hopefully choose better decisions and enjoy just sitting at home at night when I’m tired without having the need to run to some party so I could feel that I’m alive (hmmm, I think that’s still something to work on.)

I spent my weekend to the last drop last week, I danced til there’s nothing that could hold my calves but I didn’t drink recklessly and still managed to hold my spoonful of oil. Then the next day, rest to my heart’s content and wake up tripping on Manila with my friend Karla, ended my weekend with a smile which gave me a fresh start for the week ahead. Sounds like a different me, it’s good I guess and I’m excited and proud.

… there’s so much in life, it’s not supposed to be so hard, complicated, expensive and scary…:)

December breeze…don’t know what to do with it but be engulf by it…Halloween just passed and soon all we’ll see on the streets are the rainbow colored lights and poinsettias in any building façade. I was checking on the new images for our mag’s December issue and I came across a lot of decors, sheesh makes me miss old Christmas days when I still enjoy it. Oh well, life’s like that…

I’m still punishing myself now for messing up my old phone, I was so reckless and stupid, damn, how come clumsy stupid things always happen to me…(haay tatum go figure…) I went to an after party event the other night and I poured beer all over my phone, I wasn’t even drunk! And to top it off, I didn’t even notice I was pouring it all over myself already, next thing I knew my back pocket where my phone was, is bathing in beer already…oh well, I tried reviving it but I guess it was too wrecked to be recovered, I brought it to three service centers and all they were telling me was to get a new one. I miss my old phone, I never thought I’d be attached to any gadget until I had it, it’s smal-cute-got a lot of function-can check the net-and wakes the hell out of me in the morning cuz of the speakers…blah blah…I got a new one but I still miss my cute orange walkman phone…sigh. I got the cybershot one, but it looks so manly and chunky, love the photos it takes though. Anyway, forget the phone, the phonebook is such a hassle, you lose contacts, and you have to put back what you have left…and it sucks when someone texts you or call you and you have no idea who it is…so there.

I’ve gone out after that incident but at least I was careful with my drinking already, often times when I’m having too much fun, too much alcohol seems like its never too much. I was going through my bills yesterday, and there it was screaming on my face, all my credit card receipts with wine, jacks, vodka, cosmo and other things I don’t even drink. God damn alcohol…I wonder how people enjoy a night out without any booze… I envy them, ‘cuz when I try to go out in a bar and just chat with people, sometimes it bores me to death and ask myself why I went out in the first place, but when you’re drinking and dancing your heart out everything seems to be more enjoyable, less chitchat, more dancing, and more work out for me. Haay…