Spoonful…
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005…Cold month’s are here again, every time I’d go outside I’d feel the October breeze billowing on my skin… whenever I go out for a cigarette break, I could barely light my stick from the cold humming of the air…sends me lovely painful memories…
I’ve been sick again from working too much…damn sleepless nights, even with a burning fever I couldn’t even get enough peaceful sleep, always half awake waiting for eternity…always a restless soul…I’d drink sleeping aids but those damn PM’s always makes me feel sluggish the next day…
Again I’m living my life like there’s no tomorrow, sometimes its good, sometimes not… mingling til dawn even when I could no longer taste my drink or feel my self standing on the ground…it’s a sick sad world but I’m having the best time of my life. I’m meeting new characters along the way…its fun to know strangers swaying through life’s rhythm like myself…gives me hope…gives me reason to live…makes me think that there are so much more in life than the one I left behind, or rather, the one who left me behind…
I’m reading one of Coelho’s books, “The Alchemist”, its inspiring, reminds me of things I know already which I always fail to recognize. I love the way it talks of happiness…holding a spoon of oil while musing at the vastness of the world…if we could do those things at the same time, we can attain true happiness…I want to learn how to do that…I want to live my life and do the things that makes me feel fulfilled and happy but at the same time not losing myself in the process…been through that phase before, I tumbled down…sometimes when I’m having too much fun I tend to loosen my grip on the things that should matter most, and when the fun is over, I bend to look at what I have, and there’s nothing there…no regrets though, these things only hurt…and I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to allow it…
I was contemplating on letting go of someone the other day…it’s always hard…but I’ve grown already and I don’t want to choke…it helps to know that you’re not welcome anymore…I’m dropping it now…like losing some precious stone in a ravine…people forgive cuz they still want that person in their lives…I learned how to forgive, but I just want to walk away this time…no one to blame…not even myself…