Broken Window

Funny how I look at things now…my officemate said I looked so calm today, this is probably the calmest and most “mabait” that I can ever be. People are not use to seeing me like that:) I just keep telling them that I don’t want to feed sadness or chaos anymore (cuz it makes me so freakin’ ugly and I can’t sleep at night!) and I don’t want to waste my energy on worries and complaints, we’ll never ran out anyway so why fuss about it.

…I had an epiphany last night after reading Da Vinci Code, it actually didn’t have anything to do about the book, (well maybe just the Aquarian Age stuff) but some things just dawned on me…it’s weird how everyone has a life cycle that they just follow…mine is funny, I want to sketch the intricate cycle that life lays for me…about being an Aquarian and the Aquarians in my life…and how things are intricately connected with everything that goes on in the little corner of my world…

There are 4 Aquarians who play big roles in my life…a friend, an old love, a teacher, and a new inspiration…if they read this they will get confuse on who’s who:) and I don’t want them thinking they are the latter ‘cuz they’re not :)… sometimes its funny when I read my horoscope only to realize there are whole lot of other Aquarians reading the same thing too and to actually know some of them…I use to scorn people who believe in zodiac signs, horoscope and all the fortune teller stuff, I keep telling them that everything are probably coincidental and the fact that I know how we put up our horoscope pages in one of our mags before (hahaha!) …Things change of course, and since I find myself looking for meaning and purpose all the time, I resort to reading my horoscope…lame I know…but there’s nothing much to lose anyway…some things that happened around me this year seem to fit all Aquarians that I know so it’s even harder to ignore the coincidence. I got broken hearted this year, my friends were too, I got to travel this year, and they did also, and whole lot of other stuff that seems to move in one web. Anyway, one of them is happy right now and engaged in a new relationship, she seems in love…so I’m thinking maybe I will be too…someday soon:) but it’s so wrong to say that I’ll base my life on their lives cuz I still want to believe that we can move our own universe as to what pleases us…And I still don’t believe that what you read in your daily horoscope is what you’re suppose to do or follow, it’s just interesting to connect to it.

In Da Vinci Code they tackle on Age of Aquarius–the water bearer–whose ideals claim that man will learn the truth and be able to think for himself…anyway, I don’t want to discuss much about it and be shunned by intellectuals…:) here’s a few excerpt I got from the net about water bearers, I find it interesting:
“Aquarians are the perfect representatives for the Age of Aquarius. Those born under this Sign have the social conscience needed to carry us into the new millennium. These people are humanitarian, philanthropic and keenly interested in making the world a better place. This is why they focus much of their energy on our social institutions and how they work (or don’t work). Aquarians are visionaries; progressive souls who love to spend time thinking about how to improve the world around them. They are also quick to engage others in this process, which is why they have so many friends and acquaintances. Making the world a better place is a collaborative effort for Aquarians. They shower the world with their thoughts and new ideas. Luckily for Aquarians (and the rest of us), they are at a near-genius level, so their minds churn out some amazing things. Their thought process is also inventive and original. While Aquarians are happy to bestow these ideas as a gift, with no strings attached, they are much happier when the rest of the world agrees with them. Aquarians can be impatient, even temperamental, with those who disagree. There is a Fixed Quality attached to their sign, which may explain why some Aquarians are so steadfast in their opinions. Even though Aquarians are happy to give, and they do, it is often on their terms. Generally, this means allowing them some space. These people love their freedom, are individualistic and need to roam (and yes, they do enjoy travel). While Aquarians are generally sympathetic and compassionate, they like it when things go their own quirky way. Some might call their behavior eccentric (and they would be right), but when you consider that the Aquarian’s heart is definitely in the right place, a few oddities should be overlooked. In their own way, Aquarians appreciate their many friends and acquaintances and will always want to give back as much as they can.”

I love Aquarians and I’m trying to embrace being one cuz I see it as a gift…though there’s seems to have some glitches in my love area but still for some reason I always find myself drawn to water bearers, they either become my friend or sight for sore eyes :)…they understand why I’m crazy and do things the way I do because we’re the same…they’re open-minded and not judgmental…they usually embrace different facts of life and always makes a point to make a difference…they stand out, they’re artistic, interesting, and all other things that’s good to hear…:)

Working again…sometimes my working hours are just unbearable…I just wanna hibernate all day and dream of vanilla skies and other lovely cinematography’s of my life, but I couldn’t afford that kind of privilege, unfortunately for me I have to work my ass off to survive…

At 2AM this morning, I was happily reading Da Vinci Code, a book you just can’t put down…I was too engrossed with my imagination when I suddenly got a text about revising a certain ad page for our magazine…it’s freakin 2 in the morning and my work still haunts me…I hate it, I ended up calling a coworker to whine and whine about this never ending revisions, makes me wanna throw my cell phone down the sink! Everyday I’d go home at 4-5 AM finishing on every month’s magazine issue, and I’d wake up every morning with a call from the office asking me to go to work again…I barely have the time to sleep!

…The moment I step in the office, every one bombards me with things to do, they’d ask me in unison and I’d scream to death telling them to take a number! Good god, I feel like a robot already, sometimes they forget that I’m also a human being, some one who breathes and actually has a life other than creating magical stuff on the computer. I barely even have the time to actually go out and pee. I’d go on my cigarette break and my phone will start blinking with calls and messages for me to go back up already…

3 years ago I use to enjoy what I do, I started as a writer then upgraded in creative, which meant more work and more responsibilities. Everything was working the way I’d never expect things to turn up. Everything was good to me…I feel so blessed and lucky. I worked for 3 magazines, layout, art direction, even illustrations for all the magazines at the same time contributing for a broadsheet with rakets here and there. I was enjoying every bit of it; my job sent me to visit places I would never imagine going to. I met a lot of interesting people, and gained new friends. I feel like life’s moving too fast for me, so as my health. I end up visiting the doctor all the time. I became a candidate for carpal tunnel syndrome from working more than 24 hours on a computer, and I’d always be in bed with fever and flu.

Talk about being young and growing old so fast…people would say I look 27 or so, I just turned 23 for crying out loud! Anyway, looking back now, it feels good to have the kind of work that I enjoy, but some times it just gets to me and I feel so brain dead and burn out already. I became so ill tempered and whiny, always giving out memo’s in the office and screaming at every missing thing on my desk. My colleagues would tell me I’d be an old hag when I grow old from being so “masungit”… I hope I won’t! The stress just gives me all these bad moods…I guess I have to start yoga or something to let peace pass through my senses, I wonder when I’ll have the time to actually do it. Anyway, whenever I feel like whining about work I’ll just think of the good things that come with it. It feels good to be wanted and needed, it sucks though when it’s too much, but that’s life, I’d rather have endless working hours and people bugging me all the time than being unemployed and idle on my couch.

I guess people are never really contented …when people are single they’re always longing for love, but when they’re with someone most often than not, they wish they’d be single again…I’ve already been in both situation and now I’m back to being single again, some times I enjoy the freedom and independence but after dark when I lie alone in my sleep…it just dawns on me that I want some one on the other side of the bed…

…The best part of this whole “love” cycle is the first part…always just the first part, the “can’t eat can’t sleep moments”, the “I wanna jump over the fence kind of thing”, the “kilig moments”, the “can’t wait to start another day “… but like what Bamboo sings in his song…”pagbago ang pag-ibig… masaya”…parang droga, sa una lang masarap…” …when you get to the stage where relationship and commitment comes to perspective, some of us just wanna duck and hide for cover…there are always fights, tears…cry me a river tampuhans…all the works…the making up and breaking bull…sigh…and then the breaking up part…those moments when you wish you should never have loved at all…

Sometimes the hardest to recover from is when the ex found some one already, makes your world turn upside down…its probably the ego thing speaking…makes you feel so small and unimportant. In my case, it made me feel really scared…I dunno…until now I’m still scared that there would never be anyone in this world that I’ll love and accept me for that love…I’ll just keep on moving…

Last night I was reading, there were some stuff about this love thing…makes me wonder when I’d feel love again, when I’d feel that I love a person so much it hurts and it makes you cry…I used to love that feeling…that your chest hurts so much inside but not because your emotionally hurt but because you love so much…I can’t even explain it…

Right now, I feel like obsessing about some one again…I can’t sleep just thinking about that person, makes me smile and frown at the same time…The other day I was quoting a line from the movie Love Actually…(the scene where a little boy told Liam Neeson that he was in love)…”What could be worse than the agony of being in love?”…We were just laughing about it…of course the worst part is when you ‘re broken by that love…but its just funny how the film says it…and I keep saying it that day…I’m not really in love, I’m sure of it…the possibility just makes me wonder…it’s frustrating to wait in vain when you’re not sure if the other person feels the same or not…

Well, til I get a stupid sign, I’m just gonna wait…you don’t really have to look for love, it just finds you…I don’t believe in dating and courtship…my friends keeps setting me up on dates, i usually play along with it but you can never force a person to love you, you just die with frustration…I wonder who’ll come for me, who’ll be sent for me…makes me wanna hum that old fairytale song…”someday my prince will come…” In my case, it doesn’t have to be a prince, could be anyone, guy or girl…I wouldn’t know…I couldn’t wait for the package to arrive on my door…

Last Sept 10, 2005 I was lucky enough to be part of the Philippine media to witness the Grand opening of Hong Kong Disneyland…days before my trip I was such a mess…not sleeping and crying all the time…I almost gave my ticket to someone else…when I went to the media briefing, I looked like I haven’t eaten for ages…with red bulging eyes, skinny flesh and bones and a tinge of depression all over me…anyway…good thing I pushed through with the trip, I would have regretted it!!!

I got word from our Ogilvy hosts that we had to abide a smart casual dress code…the pok-pok little me freaked out ‘cuz in real life I barely even wear a jacket or long sleeves in the office…well not unless I’m required to… I’m the kind of person who’d wear a tube top even when it’s freezing to death…(my ex always get mad at me for that…protective instinct I guess I freaked out, I over packed, I ended up bringing all formal stuff and other not so comfy outfits…and heels, talk about 3-4 inch stilettos in freakin’ Disneyland! Up ‘til now I can’t feel my right big toe to think it’s been a week already…pain to death! Right now I’m scouting for flats and rubber shoes…I don’t have any ‘cuz I never really wear them…now’s a good time I guess….

Anyway, the pain won’t match the experience…as corny as it may sound Disneyland truly is the happiest place on earth…(and I’m happy my editor liked my article and the trove of photos I took home with me, if anyone would like to see it, it’ll be out on the October 2005 issue of People Asia). Yes the happiest on earth…everyone was just in awe…the media treatment was extra special, every time we went inside our hotel rooms there’d be bags and bags of gifts for us to take home…that was three days and everyday I’d open my room and there’d be something in store for me…I got a very cute Mickey Mouse commemorative necklace you can’t buy anywhere, not even in Disneyland gift shops. I got commemorative pins, a handy shoulder bag perfect for strolling Disney, umbrellas, a huge Walt Disney coin bank, pens, notebooks, and so many more…there were also funny gifts like that lovely box of freakin’ Lee Kum Kee oyster sauce and a dimsum steamer :)…talk about excess baggage on the way home… I could barely lift my hand carry…

It’s so much fun to go around and eat all the food you can get for free:) and the media people I went with were such a happy bunch…there were Gelli de Belen from Sis together with her segment producer Ruth (who took me home the night we came back that I was so freakin’ drunk, thanks so much guys!) writers from Philippine Star, Tanya and funny Christine who told me all her cinematic love stories while happily dining and drinking 5 minutes before our flight that we ended up running ala Amazing race to actually board the plane:) …there’s Gilbert from Inquirer, cute couple from Goodhouse Keeping Charmaine and Daki, MMPI’s Ms. Sari Yap and Carmen Valerio, who also ditched our media host and went on our own throughout the trip :)…the cast of Ogilvy Philippines VJ and Bea who stood with me while I blabbed endlessly and puffed all the cigarette I could inhale on our first night…Candy from Manila Bulletin, and of course the group of F, lovely Angel Aquino, Candy and Mel whose so much fun I wanted to just hang with them throughout the trip…hahaha yuck feeling part of F :).

It’s one of the happiest I’ve ever been in a long time. It’s a good thing I went there…I felt like a kid again…even seeing the funny music video of Jacky Cheung’s Disney theme made me float from my seat, I was overwhelmed with so much warmth and happiness I couldn’t explain why I almost wept when the rest of the Disney characters entered the stage…Mickey Mouse leading his pack, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, Pluto and the rest of the characters from our long ago cartoons…it was funny but it was also surreal how the people behind Disney put all these subliminal effect on everyone…’cuz take note it wasn’t just me who felt like crying, Angel herself said she cried after the show…

It was also my first time to ride a roller coaster again after years of dreading it since childhood. I rode it alone just to prove I can overcome my fear. It was one hell of a ride and the fact that Space Mountain is dark inside, it kind of helped me not to see where I’m going to fall …I didn’t take my scary photo on the way out though, I’m sure I looked really awful:) …

When we we’re leaving the Hollywood Hotel already, VJ told me “So that’s it, back to reality again.” Yeah, reality bites I guess, but I went back home happy and singing all the hakuna matata that my lungs can utter…

…I’m getting so drunk all the time now…I’m such a bad drunk…having too much uncontrolled fun and forgetting things the day when hangover kicks in with a sharp headache…my pictures speaks for itself…always holding a glass of red wine…that’s the only thing I drink now…after I was rushed to the hospital how many years back from drinking a bottle and a half of hard tequila…ugh…just the thought of it turns my stomach upside down…

These past weeks I spilled red wine all over my self for consecutive days of mingling and partying with old and new friends…good thing the wine doesn’t stain so hard on my clothes…or maybe it was just cheap wine I keep drinking…hahaha… as long as it doesn’t stain it’s good enough to drink…:) …drinking wine helps me sleep so I drink it whenever I get the chance…often times I just have too much…the other day my friend brought me home …ahem…puking everywhere…so embarrassing…good thing not so many people saw me, just my housemates and the guard who dragged me to the gate… I still have a bottle inside my ref now, got it that night…I’m still too embarrassed to even peek on the bottle…last week I went with 12 other media people to witness the grand opening of HK Disney…I was having too much fun that on our departure I drunk wine while boarding and on board the plane…stupid me…had too much to drink again I almost left my passport and I couldn’t identify my luggage…thank goodness to the GMA crew they took me home that night…they’re “Kapuso” after-all
There was a time I was so wasted, I was in Embassy, we were about to leave the place when I came tumbling down the steep staircase! I was in super short skirt and black stiletto! The bouncers went all over me ushering me all the way out! Eeek! One time our magazine staff went to Puerto with other media people and I had the guts to actually join the drinking contest, there were I think a half dozen different drinks from tequila to vodka, I didn’t even reach the 5th offering, after a few hours I was dead drunk, still functioning but I couldn’t remember a thing. The last thing I remember was the humming of …pah pah pap from “ Madonna’s Crazy for You” which Celine Lopez was singing, then poof! I’m out! The next thing I knew I woke up alone in the videoke bar…I was so mad at my friends that I ended up cursing and crying…from then on the people I was with would always refer to me as the girl left by the videoke bar…what an image…

For my friends and my officemates, I’m such a drunken urban legend already, even our Bora trips has a lot of wasted nights…of binges and some some…:)

…Well, I have too many drunken stories that if I end up blabbing about it, it can reach gazillions of characters and people will just get bored or I might have to duck under my pillow and cringe from all the embarrassment…I’m writing about it now so I’ll remember to behave…I guess I have to behave…people doesn’t always have the patience of a saint to wheel around drunk girls like me…it’s annoying…it’s ugly! And it’s actually dangerous parading around drunk…especially when you’re with strangers…they always take advantage of drunk girls…I’m being careful now…don’t wanna live up to the old Madonna song …”bad girl drunk by 6 “-mantra…have to start acting like a civilized drinker if there is such a thing…don’t wanna end up like my drunk dad…so sick…so sad and clinically depressed all the time…it’s scary to end up like your old folks…history repeats itself they say…I don’t want that to happen to me…

…I started this blogging thing the other day, and for some stupid reason I lost the post, anyway, I’m not the kind who’ll write about my self and let other people scrutinize it on the net…but right now, I don’t have anything to lose and I know that nobody will read it anyway…for starters, I don’t think my life is that interesting so forgive my nonsensical blahs….

…I use to write a lot back when I was in college, my files and notebooks would always carry rants and my life’s troubles…my stupid senseless poems, and longings in this bottled up existence…but it’s true what they say, you forget all about those simple things you do for yourself when you met someone to share your life with already…after a breakup you suddenly look back at your journal and notice that endless blank pages are the only things staring back at you…

…I recently had inner battles within myself whether on not to face another freakin’ day… damn this existence there’s always life after you finally put a period on a stupid chapter of your life…it’s just up to you how you’ll carry on…after I lost my first serious relationship my life was put on hold…it felt like there’s nothing you could hold on too…damn those beautiful memories…keeps flashing back on my sleepless nights…love ridden soul…

…I’m trying to push myself to get back on track now…just following the music where life takes me…I’m just swimming right through it…it’s so hard to try to control your life so I’m leaving it up to life itself…I tried so hard to hold it in my hands, I just end up weeping and disappointed all the time…its sad to say that we are just pawns but its true…we’re just dancers in an open stadium…following the music…with an anonymous DJ switching the soundtracks of our life from mellow to block rockin’ beats…

…Well wherever life takes me, I’ll just try to get all the happiness I can extract from it…my editor said, from life’s many offerings, choose happiness…and its true, it’s always a choice, so as sadness…right now I don’t want to drown from my sadness and feed my long term depression…life still follows, let tomorrow worry about itself. I got that from a friend who’s lost like I am, but she’s still holding on, so I’ll also hold on…I’m young, there’s so much more to experience, better jobs, better clothes, lots and lots of food, better relationships and so many more lovely lips to kiss…