Broken Window

Anarchy of thoughts

I had a photo shoot with one of the presidentiables today and on the walls of his house were a collection of Picasso, Rembrandt, Renoir, a pool of Amorosolo’s and a bunch of great Filipino artists… I was in awe, now I can’t wait to better myself and earn a lot of money so I can go to the Louvre in Paris… oh the emotions it will evoke on me… priceless…

I have learned so many valuable things today from great and simple people, I was able to shake hands and dine with them as they share their thoughts and treasures… one good thing that I learned today is the value of RESPECT…

As I was walking away from another exhibit of charcoal nudes, I could process the gifts of thoughts that I’ve gathered today, it made me so happy… so the usual me, flying again out of my body, thinking and smiling while getting inside the car…bang! I hit a post while backing up… oops, reality snapped again telling me to go back to my body… my car has another chip on the back now but I was laughing like hell… I was screaming in my head, ‘stay grounded! You have to stay on earth!’ oh how it made me laugh with another epiphany…yes, I do not need anybody to keep me levelheaded, life itself tells me to be so… as I drove away, me again, things were running in my head like a whirlpool of anarchy… the balance of evil and good in me… it overwhelmed me…

The Devil’s Advocate
I was feeling a little guilty with the trade of my evil doings today but as the conversation with diwata unfolds, she was telling me that, it doesn’t matter whether we became a bad person and hurt someone, the results and the chain reactions will be good for them, they just have to see it that way… I told her, ‘yes, to kill a part of you and a part of them causes great things in the end…’ some of us doesn’t realize it fast, some takes years, but its usually better if we snap easily, wake up and turn the predicament into something simpler than what it is…

I was listening intently to the senator as he speaks of himself, his art, his music, and the battles he has with some of his counter parts. He was speaking about how some people he hates earned his respect in the end… someone’s competency, brilliance, wit and tact; these are the things that amuse an arrogant man. I looked at everyone on the table, artists, a leader, a legendary photographer, an established editor, a writer, a makeup artist, a stylist, then back to me, the lone lost sheep drifting in her own consciousness… we are all arrogant and confident in our own shadows, yet we value and respect people in our own ways… some of us speak of the devil in us, and some of us hides it to preserve ourselves…

I stopped on traffic today in the middle of the overpowering heat and humid air, a sampaguita vendor tapped on my window, I raised my hand and didn’t look at him cuz I was thinking. Normally I would scavenge for coins and give it to them without batting an eyelash, but this time, I chose not to cuz I was busy inside my head… then my officemate convoyed at my back texted me that a photographer we know was taking photos of the scenario. I freaked, I didn’t want to be a part of someone’s exhibit with a photo on the wall, speaking of poverty and a selfish woman in her car. What a nasty sight to see… but he messaged me saying, ‘no, it wasn’t you, it was the other car she was shooting as the vendor tapped on his window.’ What a fuckin’ relief…an evil picture on a wall! Who wants to be a part of it?!. Then I remember the politician, how sometimes in the senate he just wants to hear music in his ipod but refuse to plug it on his ear cuz media are on the scene, and these scenarios make up for such a good buzz on the headlines… we were all smiling as the writer turned off his recorder… yes, every one is a devil’s advocate, and we laugh about it when we realize it in ourselves but still balance the good things and weighs down the bad ones… As I stare at this man who makes history unfold before our eyes, I look up at him with respect and admiration for showing us how human he is but he tries to be a leader for the good of the entire community… I’m still not sure about my vote, how I want to get to know each one of the presidentiables this candid so I’ll know who to put on the ballot. I remember an actress who became a politician, she gained my admiration as well, and she is so firm in the things that she believes in and admits at her own flaws but still became a good servant for the people. Oh how I wanted to vote for her as a president, but she said, she doesn’t envy our president now, being a leader can kill so many parts of your life, and she still values some of her own. I still believe she would make such a good leader and I would gladly follow. To be a good leader, what a scary thought. I still cannot take care of a plant in my apartment, how else can I take care of people.

The Oxymoron
As I left the nude exhibit tonight, I have new values instilled in me. I looked at his art works, I told diwata who posed for the artist, I do not get why he wants to exhibit these stuff, I feel like anyone could do it… but then I pinched myself, RESPECT, this is how he viewed a human form, and it is beautiful… it’s the little critic in me, the argument about the three approaches of art, Realist, Objectivist, and Relativist. I want to take back what I said about some of the exhibits that I saw last weekend, for me to call some ‘FLUFF’, I am as naïve as the guy who mocked the painting in my office wall. I asked the politician, what makes you buy an artwork, he says, if it has a thing of value to him, if it evokes something in him, or sometimes he just wants to help a new artist. Then I recall, a photographer who collects as well, I asked him the same thing, he said, he’ll buy it ‘if it evoked something in him.’ Then I asked myself how I see an artwork. It depends, I look at an artwork with the eyes of ‘a craftsman’, because I can create art and I usually bow down to great talents when I know I cannot create what the other artist created, but sometimes I would look at a piece ‘as an artist’ and just appreciates the beauty of a certain thing, yet sometimes I look at it ‘as a receiver of message’ I value a work of art if it evoked emotions on me. Now I realize, that there are so many terms for these and respect should be given to any human work of art. Whew, so many arguments, and so many movements, Post modernists, Abstractionists, Modernists, Idealists, Surrealists, Cubists, Expressionists, Impressionists, Minimalists, Futurists, …haaaayyy, and so many more fuckin—ists and isms! My head can’t bear to understand all and I’m having a hard time identifying my art in all these fuckin isssss….

I just got the two huge ass bare canvass that I’ve been craving for days, I’m lusting to scar it anytime soon but I am so cramped up with time and schedules… I’m weighing my weekend again, beach or paint, fun or happiness, practicality or idealism…ugh now my mind and body is just so fuckin’ tired from all these things that I oozed out of my head…

Oh sleep, yes, sleep is good, so many more tomorrow… oh yes, tomorrow, another busy and exciting day…

Dilat

Pumipitik na naman ang araw sa bintana,
ang sarap murahin ng insomya,
isa kang puta

ayoko na
panis na ng letra at pintura ang aking mata
nangangalumata

pilit mang umidlip
ang utak naman ay talon ng talon
puro titik

isa
dalawa
putcha
sampung libo na ang tupa
wala ng sisidlan
ilan pa ba?!

hoy magbubuhangin
paki sabuyan nga ng asin ang aking mata

A tiny little strand of darkness...

I just finished the painting on my door…my cousin and I were so excited to put the faces that I wanted on the doors…she was laughing when I scratch the pencil marks. My door had a lovely face of a woman, hers, a man, she wanted it to look like David Beckham, I tried, but I suck at drawing men, they all turn out gay on the paper… thus, her door looked like an entrance to an angry looking gay guy…she was laughing but I don’t think she’s happy about it…

I was walking down Ayala Ave. earlier talking to a writer, we passed a doughnut house and I said, ‘Do you know what doughnuts are? They're a soul with a hole…’ he cringed at me and told me that one day he wouldn’t be surprised if I started to talk like ‘Yoda’. I freaked, I didn’t want to look like Yoda! Hello, he’s short and ugly, I dread the idea… but he said, ‘You know how he talks, he talks in metaphors.’ I laughed. My god, I reside too much in my head that I’m looking at things differently, I’m starting to be like my old self in college…the freak who talks weird and draws all kinds of dark stuff… Oh no…

Even my music is starting to shift again…I like to drive with a CD full of heavy sounds, a lot of bass, drumbeats and screaming sounds… the angst… oh no, I wouldn’t be surprised if I side sweep another being on the street or scream at annoying crowds…yikes…the other day I was driving and smiling at a thought…I keep playing it in my head…I felt like Roman Dirge, the comic guy who drew a lot of dark but funny little stuff, Lenor cutting animals and body parts…I pinch myself momentarily…wake up! Dexter are you in me? I don’t even want to entertain the idea in my head, it’s funny but crazy… it’s my funny little secret… slice and dice… a smirk and a laugh… hahaha, it would make a good plot for a serial killer series… I will write it down when I get the time…

I scare myself sometimes… there’s a tiny little strand of dark cloud and I’m scared that one day my green heart will be covered with it… I hear RNB playing, yes, ‘good girl gone bad.’ Oh my… not me... that’s not what I am made of…

Push and blame… in you and in me… no… please not me…

I got a text from my mom today, I miss her… I wish I’m back in her arms like a baby… she would take care of me… only in her arms will I feel safe…

Can't get enough of...

My hands feel so stiff from painting thin lines…I hate small canvass, they asks for more detail and care, it’s hard for me to go wild and dance while I push the brush…but it’s ok, the small details makes an art piece more enticing…I hate sloppy work, you can see so much mess…my friend said not to get scared, it’s just the digital imager in me wanting things clean but I really like roughness in a work…

I am scared now when I get the big canvass I’ve been craving for days…what if I make mistakes…my eye would grow weary…sad…I hate the feeling of fear and uncertainty…the good thing about using acrylics is you can always fix it up…I love having a fellow painter criticizing and believing in me at the same time…it makes me try harder and better…he texted me about his name in the newspaper today, I told him how proud I am of him and I want to be just like him, he said, ‘Of course you can be, you have the potential.’ For people to believe in you more than you believe in yourself is freeing…I also like people not believing in me cuz they make me work my best…spite and criticism, another catalyst to elevate…I always laugh at them in the end…

I am always in awe of the painting in our office wall, I never knew the artist but every morning I would stare at the textured golden mayonnaise spread plastered on the reception. I love textures. My officemate told me earlier how untalented the artist is, I laughed at him…how he doesn’t see the beauty that I see…it is abstract, he said he could do better, I laughed again, I want to see him try…the painting doesn’t have depth and meaning for sure, it is a beautiful accidental art work…I’m sure he didn’t plan it in his head, he just let his mind go wild and the brush to lead his hands… but for an idiot to mock it is unacceptable…so naïve…

Just like the person who keeps commenting negatively when her words doesn’t even connect correctly, I would gladly bow to you when you say something that would amaze me or something that would catch my fancy…enough with your fluff and angst, it is not needed in my dictionary… stop poking a balloon flying so high, it will just explode in your face…I could count the things that might not be good for you to hear but you will need them so that you would know…sometimes people should be put in their right place specially when they are not aware of it…tsk…try to humble yourself but elevate yourself at the same time… and you know maybe you should look the other way, maybe there are more words you can scope up from others cuz you use mine vexingly ... there are on line dictionaries I'm sure you have time to gather words since you look like you have nothing else to do but read my thoughts and copy every single phrase that you can scratch off... my words are simple and easy to recall, I'm taught that way... what you are? an annoying angry little cunt... oh cunt, yes such a fancy word, sure go ahead maybe you can use it for something to curse on me again... oh what did you say?'Je ne comprend pa...' my french is a little rusty but you're rusty...oh maybe i should try this again...(Alanis Morissette,' All I really want') – 'why are you so petrified of silence? here can you handle this_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

On another light, an email of a friend made me smile tonight, Aquarians always respects another aquarian…I wrote about all the Aquarians in my life before and how I love to stash some more of us…so fun to be with and conversations are never boring, lovers of the world…pure freedom…I think I want another aquarian for a lover, I’ve had two Aquarians, I want another you… they could be such drama queens but so am I, hahaha but they’re so amazing… I know already the signs I have to scrape off on my list, yuck, such mind-fuck enough of them, I want someone like me, like my first, but the freedom in us broke us apart… we were always in love with the world…the roles we’ve been given…sigh…I don’t think I understand it much…

So much Lust in the heat

I just got home and sweating again from the heat…’Dad’ said it might be a prolonged summer til December, ‘See cuz these people never listen to Al Gore’…I smiled while I look at the sun peeping from the glass window…

Heat…I love the warmth that it showers on the road…everything looks more colorful and saturated…people walking down the streets clad in their skimpiest tanks and shorts…sweating with skin glistening from the burn…it must be nice to frolic on the beach now in my bikinis…but I chose not to go for the summer…I just ditched the paid accommodation and flight I have for this week…I figured, I will just get drunk again so might as well stay in the city and finish my canvass instead…I saw some photos of my friends in Bora, they looked like they had so much fun, am I missing out on the sun? But the sun is shining here as well. Bora will just be another escape…

I just got out of my clothes now and I could feel the heat swallowing me…oh the heat…it’s so sexy…speaking of sexy, I was having a few laughs with the staff today…my editor was telling everyone about her weekend in a famous ‘Bed and Breakfast’…the name of the rooms they stayed on are ’I love’, I ‘desire’, ‘I lust’…the ‘I lust’ room is the presidential suite…we were laughing…I asked her, what is the difference with lust and desire…I told her isn’t it the same thing?

LUST, oh how I love to use that term…everybody lusts for something or someone…but lust and love, I always have a hard time mixing the two…I sometimes try to mix them in my palette but I lose control…it’s so hard to moan to someone I love ‘to fuck my brains out.’ And I always feel whorish to fuck someone I do not even love…sex…it’s just sex…but I am not just sex…our editor cringed at the idea, she said, ‘ I can’t believe I’m talking to my staff about sex!’ We were laughing, her staff aren’t kids, we were adults in the modern world…sex shouldn’t be a taboo thing to talk about…her staff is composed of gay men, straight females and me, the femme lesbian…she would always be confused with me, cuz I date guys as well…but I told her, men lusts, but I do not lust for them, I like the idea of desire in their eyes, it’s overwhelming but a woman’s contour is always a thing to desire…meat, it’s the meat…but women aren’t just meat…

Women are higher than meat… it reminds me of what I said before about women, ’Women are so addicting…their like a drug that seeps into your vein so deep, it cuts the passage ways where you ease to breathe…maybe not for all, but it is for me… I like women, their soft curves, the way their skin leaves you wanting more, and their soft touch which makes your skin ache in agony...I don’t like rough, rough is animalistic, just like Gia said ‘I can do it with a dog so what’s the point…’ Women are different, you feel each other, hear each other, breathe each other like one... feel their pain as your body rubs against them...their longings...their music.... the sex is sex, but when you start to mix it with feelings and get too deep into it, its crazy, you would want your head to explode...’ the person on the other line said, the words are making her wet…see how women are, you need to dive into us to turn us on…caress all the senses, make them hear, make them feel, make them ache for it, and swim to their soul…women, abstruse beings, but not so hard to crack…once you crack them open, they bleed an endless gush of red…oh how beautiful we are…

One of my gay colleague was on the phone earlier, he caught my attention cuz he was making this moist disgusting sound, I looked at him with dropped jaw…he was having phone sex! Ugh! I screamed at him to stop cuz it’s making everyone uneasy…after he put the phone down, he was talking casually, he’s like, ‘What can I do, he was the one who called, he wanted to get off of it…’ I stared at him in amazement…gay men…two men in heat doesn’t disgust me, but the animal in them, ugh, I just can’t take it…sometimes I would wish to have their lust, to have plain sex, it's just sex, casual sex…it's over powering, but to wake in the morning with someone you don't love, 'could you please get off my bed...'

Division of time

I just got back from a preprod and staring at my monitor again, so sleepy at work yet I can’t rest cuz there are so many things to finish. I only had 2 hours of sleep since this morning, I can’t stop painting and staring at my words at the same time, the narcissistic me on a high…

I was talking to my (‘dad’) mentor during the meeting, I was telling him the eye bags that my art is causing me…I told him about another friend who told me that my eyes reveal an older me that is not me, I screamed at him, ‘duh as if you are not the same Jurassic park!’ he was laughing and said, ‘ well at least my eye bags means money, not you way back, your bags tells so much of women!’…I wanted to slap him and flee, yes the start of my year, fuckin ‘rootless tree’, last year was different, I was the busiest and the most productive and how he envied me…someone told me that I am the busiest person she knows, and I told her I never want it to end, I want to be this busy til I reach 40 or 50, I never want my brains to rut…she said, ‘wait til you find someone to be with, the busy you will be so fuckin frustrated…’ well, they can all wait, my time, I hold it in me and share it to those I want to share them with. I do not believe that just cuz a person is busy then they do not have time for others, of course they do, they always do, its just a matter of importance. A matter of choosing and balancing…what sucks is when you are there, they take it for granted…when I give a person with high regard, I always tell them, ‘I am here…’ hoping they will make the most of it…cuz I have a short attention span and easily slips away…

Dad said at least its good that I am doing the things I love the most while he is working and working, I told him, ‘Give me more work! I want money,’ and laughed…

I am listening to the new Madonna album ‘Hard Candy’, it takes a while to sink in…I still love her old soul, ‘Bed Time Stories’, ‘Erotica’, ‘Something to Remember’, ‘Ray of Light’…they’re the best, I like borrowing her words once in a while…she’s timeless…

Music, like a work of art, its best when its full of soul, no not a love song, just melodies sculpted from some ones real experience, I feel them in me…I hate fluff that tries to be deep, they have holes in between their soul, like a fuckin doughnut…fluff is good for fun but that’s just it…I would moon on Paris Hilton and Beyonce but would always know when to get back…

While driving I played the director’s songs that he sent me way back, it’s soothing…he collated a podcast of the songs he made for rainy days, something he resides to when he is brooding…I love him, a soul who thinks the same as me…a soul who’s fucked up as I am yet standing tall…our emotions, it’s a beautiful part of us…I barely even got to know him but the pieces he shared are treasures I keep…he is Romeo in my ears…how I love these people, the gifts they bring are worth more than money…their words, their songs, their artworks, the movies they make…the gifts of their thoughts…mga diwata sa mundong normal…I could live with them in a deserted island and for sure we would all have fun…reminds me of a conversation about heaven and hell, I told someone before how interesting hell would be cuz there are so many brilliant eccentrics there, writers, painters, singers and we would all dance the beat of Zion, drenched in sweat and lust…a funny thought…I so want to be one of them but they scare me, and I don’t want to look like them…

The marketing department asked me for a new concept for an editorial, I love it when they milk ideas, then I try to speak like I know things, then they would believe, then I’d start to believe on what I said…hahaha funny, then if my ideas fuck up, so many thousands are spent on wasted print, ouch…o well blame it on believing…

Maybe I should stop speaking in my head again…it’s so hot outside but my office is a freakin’ winter wonderland…I want to sleep soon…

Collective Memories

I was in the car wash today…I was talking to my cousin about memories…how I have so much of it in my closet…I always thought that my memory is not that sharp, cuz I tend to forget things so easily, names, people, deadlines…but for some reason, memories from the heart are so detailed in me, the scars, the pain, the smiles, the smell, the touch…I could make a movie about it and not forget an inch…

I was talking to my first love a few months back when someone else broke my heart…she was telling me how bad her memory is and how she forgot everything about us…’Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind,’ she chose to erase all her memories of me…yet every time she watch that film it reminds her of me…and me, that movie always reminds me of her…

I was telling her how much I remember, the firsts, its always hard to forget…the things we would do, the way she move her nose, the way she would smile, the way I would watch her and take video clips of her while she walked passed my table in the library, the seconds were like an eternity, I would always play it at night and repeat pause and play…I remember the first time she held my hand and how it sent a thousand signals in between my thighs and my pulsating heart…oh how I remember too much of these things…the beautiful and the bad ones…but I didn’t have feelings for her anymore, all that she is a memory, the reminder of the things that I had and would never have again…

I was telling a friend about memories and how I go back to the beautiful ones when I feel down…I never think of the bad ones, like watching a film, it feels good to replay it in my head…it makes me smile...she said, why is it that when she thinks of her memories, all that she feels is pain…and I know so many who does the same…I told her, when you think of memories, try to detach it from your heart, just play it in your head, fly away with it, like how you would imagine yourself in a happy place…then it will make you smile…the only reason a memory hurts is cuz you haven’t let go of it yet…

I have new memories in my closet now, some more firsts…oh how I love creating new chapters…like all the soundtracks I have in my ipod, I have different chapters on the play list…the strings of what makes me ‘me’…

I am collating everything in a box for the exhibit I am preparing for…a fellow artist commented on my works…then I looked at it, I wanted to keep everything for myself…I am in love with one of the prototypes, I can’t wait for the canvass to arrive and transfer it there…I can’t stop staring at the vectors…it always makes me happy…

I am so excited to paint everything…every box has a story behind it…I can’t wait to see all of it displayed in a wall… I can’t wait to juice every little memory I have in me and see it visually for others to watch…and for me to let go of it and move on to create new ones…but it scares me every time I touch the brush…I only wish my hands can show the beauty of the memories in my head… the stories, oh how it can make me smile…

I told my cousin, ‘you know what, if I’m ever going to be with someone again, I want that person to see the world like how an artist views things, or maybe more than an artist, I want that person to show me beautiful things that life has to offer…’ she would be so lovely…then I remember a poet who used to offer his heart to me…oh how I wish he’s a girl, I would marry him…like the guy in ‘Big Fish’, then there’s an amazing director who would make me his muse and send me his music everyday…sigh, why can’t these people just fit perfectly in my heart…my heart is a very big place, but it has a shape that only one person can fit perfectly in…and this person has to be in a form of a woman…another deep sigh…

I hear whispers in me, ‘whoever you are, do not change the shape of your heart, I would wait patiently for it when I am ready, when I’m done waiting, I would search for you in a gold mine, I know you are there, I will knock on your door, will you greet me with a big smile?’

Crave

I just finished a few vectors for my canvass, I am so in love with one of the pegs, I can’t stop staring at it…I think I just turned asexual hahaha…now that’s crazy…

I can’t wait for my canvass to arrive… the wait is killing me…ugh…

please hours, give me the base of my lover so I can make love with it soon…

I want to touch the base, brush my hands in each single pore with my thick moist neons… I will scar its surface with my sharp palette knife and watch it bleed in the palm of my hands…a colorful wave of the blood in me…

…hunger…I’m famished…

I crave…oh hours, send my lover soon while my hunger is insatiable… I cannot sleep at night thinking about the taste…the taste…I could feel it in me…I am burning…fever…that’s what it is...a pulsating rush in between my thighs…ahhhh….oh hours…I shiver in the dark thinking…thinking…fill me in…fill me in…

Me and my senseless blah

I chanced upon someone’s blog today, it scared me how some people opt to steal someone else’s words and use it as their own…like a fuckin’ photo copy! If anything in life has a byline, what she’s done is a crime…suicide of thoughts, that’s what it is…

I saw so many artworks and photograph these past days, me and my friends went ‘art hopping’…some works are worthy of attention, some plain fluff and hurried art…some so deep it burns a hole in me, my thoughts were in combustion, it scared me so I closed my thoughts before it fogs up with all these influences…I was in a photo gallery today, a photographer was showing the works he’s done, I left the room and hurried home before my ideas are clogged up…influences…it’s scares me, I do not want to borrow from the fruits of their own sadness…I have a lot on my own…inspirations, that what these things should be…

I am jealous of another artist, a real talent, her black ink surges and falls right through me…I wanted the same beauty her hands created, she kissed me in the mouth way back, I wish I could have swallowed her talent as well…she didn’t need depth nor sadness, it’s just in her…she’s fuckin amazing…

My mentor was teasing me the other day, ‘you should go on a long leave, do drugs or something, kill a part of yourself then go back in rage, claim everything back then put it in your art…’ I cringed at the idea, its funny… I told him, ‘Dad, I am crazy already as it is, I do not need drugs nor any more escapes. It will just fail me…’

Drugs, I do not need it to be insane, I am already insane…like drinking coffee, I cannot take it cuz it pulsates in my nerves, I am hyper already, I am my own energizer bunny…nothing outside of me can help…discipline, that’s what I need, cuz I can be a little stubborn…

I am a little crazy according to my friends, but the good part is I am aware of my self… I will scare my self one day if my friends say I’m acting weird and I am not aware of it…if suddenly I cut my ears and mail it to someone, ala Van Gogh, then please bring me to a psych ward… Hello, I think I’m ok, just a little moody and unpredictable when it comes to my emotions but I am ok…am I? Of course I am…shit, I am talking to myself again…that is crazy, but everyone else does it…my cousin said I was acting weird the other night and she thought I was losing it already, I got my ipod and plugged it so loud in my ears and went dancing in front of my mirror while I stare at myself. I do not think its weird, I was just having fun on my own, dancing like no one is around, I don’t care, I dance on the streets while hailing a cab, I don’t think it’s crazy, just cuz you don’t care about what others think it instantly makes you weird? I remember diwata the cheerleader, she asked me about mirrors before, and if I stare at myself, without a bat of an eyelash I said, ‘Of course, I do it every waking moment.’ She said’ then you must be watching your self think.’ Hmmm…could be…she’s also a little crazy but I think she’s smart…

The crazies, I am always in awe with their world…I would watch a lot of movies and series about these people… broken minds, they’re the most beautiful because they have no control over themselves…

Anyway, maybe I should stop already, I say so many senseless blabbery…a friend said something about a bill board, it says ‘Just cuz you’re ‘unique’ it doesn’t mean you’re useful’…and when I reacted he said, ‘but I still love you.’

Words from my mouth to yours

The diwata asked me to shower her with words…for some reason I think I ran out of them, I know now my role in life and it feels good, but sad as well…I am not a character made for just one, I am for the world, and my heart, my heart is mine, whole…it feels so damn good that I know where it rests…inside of me and lent pieces with the people that surrounds me…

I told the diwata, before you ask someone to hold your heart for you, make sure its whole, and yours to give, do not let anybody hold it for you when someone else is beating its name, you will just hurt the one you lend it to…and guilt has a way of turning its way around, it breaks us into pieces…

I am young but I am so grown up inside, my sadness is mine and no one else understands the depth of it…it resides in me…

I told myself repeatedly that I do not want to be like the people who inspires me, cuz they nudged their hearts aside so that they can be married in what they love to do…thus they are successful in life but love is a last priority…its saddened me last year when I realized this so I went scavenging for love in the most unruly places, but it broke me in more ways than one…then I went back reborn…whole again…not cold, just whole and grown up with head as clear as the water I drink…in life, when you choose your heart first it will catch up on you before you can even get yourself out of the ravine you dug yourself in…I was watching a showbiz talk show earlier and there it is again, annulled marriages and separated hearts…it is sad…I do not want to be one…I hear myself whispering, ‘heart can wait, let the world hold it for you first…’ when you leave your happiness for someone else and not your own it will make you sad…

I asked my photographer friend to take a photo of me yesterday cuz I wanted to see how I looked now, he said, ‘I want you not to smile for the camera, and your eyes to look straight up at the lens and show me the person that you are now…the person matured and in control of her life’…I asked myself, is that me? But I have so much to learn, the problem is I am 50 years ahead in thinking...but its just thinking…a person will not understand until they were in the situation…situations, more will come…it will weaken me but I know I will always stand tall…

Bathe in me, I am rain falling from the sky, but water, it dries before you can hold it…breathe me I am air, it will brush against your skin, but you cannot own it…

My dirty hands...

I am sitting in front of my computer, sweating from the heat…I just got home from buying art materials for my paintings…a fellow artist helped me scope for good brands, I felt like a kid buying new toys, I was so excited to rummage at the stuff when I got home…colorful neons, thick and moist, my new medium…there goes the long nails, I will have to cut it now so that I can surrender being a single lesbian, I am engaged, engaged and plans to marry the love of my life…my canvass…I can’t wait for tomorrow, I will buy more materials and order large scales of frames…ugh, I can feel my hands throbbing, aching, aching for the burn…I am so excited to paint…

It’s been years since I held a brush, a real brush, I’ve been hiding in the mercy of my computer and my tablet, it was just cleaner that way…I remember the last piece of art I painted with this medium, it was for my first love, a big ass mural for her environmental exhibit…I wonder where it is now, probably burnt somewhere or turned into a wall of some homeless lass…my college years…full of paint and dirty hands…my world then was in my art…charcoal, pencils, acrylics…I would be walking in the school hallway with unruly hair and paint all over my hands and face…it was heaven to me…

Working in the plastic world for more than 5 years now, I somehow opted a less messy art, my vectors and digital paint…plastic, is that what it is? Hmmm…now I’m diving again, the dirty work, I will make love with the paint in my hands…god, its quenching…I could feel the high…it’s driving me insane…fuckin’ orgasmic…ahhhhhhhhh…I could feel moans coming out from my mouth…I wish you fill the hunger in me…fill me in…fill me in…

My World…

I was talking to my friend online, we were chatting about details in my life now, I was telling him about my realizations when I was with him the other night…he told me about my other friends from the magazine industry talking about my love life and asking if I was ok already, I laughed and sighed, It’s funny why they all talked about my love life and how concern they were…its because they saw the gradiation of happiness and sadness in me, the ups and down, the excitement, god, Tatum is always their source of ‘dramathon sa hapon’…they hate it when I’m in my rut, my escape, that is when I am obsessed with women, because they lose the ‘me’ they’ve grown to love…it feels so good to be surrounded by these amazing people who cares for me…

My editor sat down with me today and asked about my words with regards to love, she was amused by how I talked and see things through…she said, ‘Wow, dear the things you say are like things in a movie…’ I was laughing…yes, my life, my stories, my beliefs, my flaws, my antics, my friends, the characters in my world, they are worth a million pages of beautiful prose, of a movie script with thousands of bad and new beginnings…and they are treasures to behold…they are me…the gemstones inside my window, and I am so lucky to be part of them…I told my friend,’ you know, I am so lucky to have you guys, I said, I am selfish, I will not share you guys with any of them!’, he was laughing, he mentioned something about the separation of the church and the states, that love life should be the same, of friends and lovers…I said, ‘let them be the church, and we the state, cuz I do not believe in the church,’ we were laughing…’yes’, he said, you should always have an anchor back, somewhere you can return to…like home, they are my home, I belong to them and I know I am always safe with them…yes that’s it, they are my SANCTUARY…oh, I love epiphanies…

I am so excited today, I called up a fellow artist, I told him about my plans, and he was willing to help me cuz he believed in me…for people to appreciate you in more ways than one, it’s a heavenly feeling…I’m so excited to pick up brushes and paint…I’m so excited, I couldn’t sleep…so this, to my words I reside again…the hermit in me…

To you, I share to you my thoughts, does it quench your thirst? This is my world and I’m lending you a window…

Dugong Alketran…(Asphalt Blood)

May mga taong pagtinignan mo,
amoy agad ang init ng dugo,
pula,
kumukulo
ang sarap higupin at isalin sa sarili…

yan yan marahil ako,
minsa’y bampirang nais sumipsip ng buhay sa iba…

sa mga nakakaraang araw ng pagkauhaw,
pulang dugo ang ninamnam ko,
pansamantalang ligaya ang dinulot nito

hanggang sa muli ko pang uhaw na paghigop
alketran ang aking nasimot…
nakakabulon sa lalamunan,
makati,
ang sarap isuka sa daan…

matagal tagal bago naibuga ang maling dulot ng paghitit
hanggang halos himatayin
at bumagsak sa lupa…
uhaw…
tuyo’t lanta ang kulay…

pagtingin paitaas,
maraming tao ang yukong nanuod at dumaan
may mga nagpahiram ng kamay
iba ang kulay ng dugo sa kanila’y nananalantay
luntian,
ako’y tumikim paunti unti
buhay,
yan ang dulot ng kanilang dugo,
malapot at bumubulwak sa pagkulo
mabango at maraming pangako

sa pagtayo,
alintana ang pagtunog ng bagong pulso...

Chip n Dip

I’m working at the printers today the fuckin’ plates takes too long to get done…I feel so lazy and sleepy to do anything so I chomped on all the chips they served for me…I love chips, I thought it could fill up my boredom…I opened one kind, sweet and sour, I got bored, I opened another, salty, I put it down again, another one, cheesy…damn, my tongue doesn’t want any of it…I find it weird…on my sleepless nights I would always open a big bag of chip and dip and would always finish til the last crumb…I’m weirded out on why my palete doesn’t want any this time…

As night falls they asked me what I would like to have for dinner, I requested for fish or seafood and vegetables, any would do…yet I know that when they serve me just one, I will not satiate my appetite, I always want different flavors lingering in mouth…fish with vegetables on the side, if seafood I want with different kinds, if just vegetables I get so frustrated looking for chunks of meat, but not red meat, I dread those…god buffet, that would be helpful, yet when I’m in front of so many different kinds I get so bloated chomping on all the colors that my eyes can reach…varieties…hmmm…

A different thought…I love varieties in my mouth…is it the same with life? With women? Am I intrigued by varieties? Like candy I want to taste different flavors…a designer told me last night she wanted to set me up on a date, I’m like hello, I just had too many this year I need to rid myself of candy…but I feel so thirsty...another message tapped me today telling me what kind of date I would want cuz she’ll give me, umm why are they all setting me up, do I look like I need one right now? I just got out of so many escapes, this isn’t what I need, its so funny but I’m bored so I obliged…I gave her my request…no soup please, I want buffet, someone skinny but with the right curves, someone model type, someone with a pretty face but with a brilliant mind, someone talented who can match up my craziness, someone with patience to endure my zest for life, someone I will dig on and simmer but won’t bore me to bits…a variety in one package, that’s a tall order…a message returned, she said, wow, that’s RARE…I laughed, yes, its hidden somewhere in a gold mine but I refuse to search…why would I, they’re serving it for me…I was laughing inside…then a scary thought…I hear Fiona in my ears…’I’m waiting for the black to replace my blue…I do not struggle in your web, cuz it is my aim to get caught…but I feel I’m going weary, on waiting to be consumed by you… give me the first taste…let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever…’…oh how I love Fiona, she’s my best friend these past days…and she shed light for me again…no more play Tatum, you know you always get stranded…I was smiling again…words, chew on them and spit it out, pweh!

Boredom…I’m fuckin bored as hell, I opened so many magazines and books already yet my thoughts won’t focus on any of them…I listened to music to soothe me, but shit just the same…I popped on a DVD, but it was on the middle already and I found myself lost in it…what the fuck…then thoughts flooded me…my thoughts…its insatiable…it quenches me for now…my words, I keep repeating it in my head and jotting them down…I can’t stop…what do I do with this…it’s so addicting for me…this…typing it…yes, I found my new addiction in me…it’s in me, not others…it’s the varieties in me…this is just one of the servings…I feel like the black letters are winking at me…I smiled and winked back…hahaha, I am going crazy…

A guy entered the door, he’s cute, I looked at him once, then twice, cute and cuddly, he reminded me of someone…he keeps smiling and searching for smiles in my eyes and keeps talking to me, I didn’t give a damn, but he keeps popping in, hmmm, searching my eyes again…I wanted to swim right through him and indulge in Eve’s sinful embrace…the feline in me, hahahaha…is this my new fancy? I looked at my chart, yes, a pattern, women, then men, women, then men…oh my, I have a pattern…god men, they bore me…but I like the attention they give, its pacifying and I know my heart is always safe, because it doesn’t ache for them…

Another knock on the door, wow, platters of food! A big smile dawn on me, yes they gave me buffet…pagkaing pambitay…

The Child in us…

I saw so many laughters and smiles these past days and it fills so many gaps in me…happiness of others always heals my aching soul…that’s me, healed, no more bandages, no more soreness, funny how some of the people around me worry for me when I am stronger than most of them, a green that bloomed in the thickest of mud, that’s me…’a self-help book’ a friend once told me…I wish it can be shared for everybody…

Sadness, still everywhere, I saw the tears that my friends shared with me tonight, I wish I can take it out for them and help them the way I fixed myself…but healing one’s soul can always just come from the person…I can only lend my ears and time, to be the crying shoulder and a friend…

I see now different shades of the child in us, the little things that makes one laugh and cry…lost kids, that’s what we are, yet we try to live maturely in our fast paced time…A friend told me how EMPTY she feels now, I told her that is the worse possible feeling one can experience, its living in limbo, stuck in a moment without purpose and goal…I was there before but I always rise above it, I wish she can as well, I wish I can hold her hand so that she will not drown, but a negative energy so powerful can crash me as well…a child, I am the same…I wish I can be her flame, an angel this time for someone else, but its different the way she views things…only she can help herself…and I believe she would…

To BELIEVE, that’s one thing we shouldn’t let go…life is not a fairytale, it’s in us to make it look like it is…

Today, another piece of me is given back…sa anghel na aking tinalikuran, muling nagbalik ang aking balintataw…ngunit iba na ang ihip ng aking hangin, hindi na ganun sa dating pusong nais angkinin…hindi na sa kanya ang aking tingin, ngunit sa sarili at sa mundo, ang nakaraan ay isang parte na lamang ng magandang ala-ala…ala-ala, masarap lumikha ng mga bagong pahina…naisip ko, isa rin syang batang ligaw, humiling sa buwan ng hiram na liwanag, ngunit ako ang napaso at nalunod sa kanyang ibang sigaw…buntunghininga…kahapon, isinisisi ko ang pagnanakaw nya ng puso sa iba, mali ang kanyang ibang paniniwala, sa mga taong sumakit sa kanya, tinatangka nyang itama ang mga bagay na gamit ang panibagong mali…

…ang batang isip sa kanya, sa atin…sanay mabigyan ng gabay, hindi galing sa iba pang tao, ngunit sa sarili…ganyan lamang ang dapat…

Of great men and ideas...

I came home holding a large package, the Philippines’ legendary fashion photog gave me a panoramic photo of his trip form Palm Springs, a gift for his adopted prodigal daughter who just had her heart closed up today…

He hugged me so tightly and ignites so many lights for me…oh how I love him, he was smiling the entire time while we conceptualize on so many shoot details…the guy whose time is precious, it takes eons for people to get a sked from him but he gave me his entire morning and wont take calls from anyone so that we can talk about his trip and sustainable advocacies and me to blab about the stories that happened in the months that I was in exile…we were on fire, I could see the eyes of a child in him under his thick white brows…his desire to put the Filipinos on the map and his ideas to make artists’ to better themselves…I want to be just like him…someone everyone looks up to, someone whose ideas are put into countless books and glossies…someone who uses his talents for the betterment of the community…he tells me that art should be used for the good of the entire colony, not just art for art sake…so what if you can paint a million hues, so what if a picture is beautiful, if it can’t feed the hungry what good is it for the world…

He would talk of art and its philosophies and how he would want me to help with him teach it in school, I was like, me? To talk and get paid for it? why not, when I’m such a prostitute with my own words…we were laughing as I boast on the ideas that I can think of, it warms me up that he gives me respect with the things that I say, he says, ‘ haay ang yabang mo, anak nga kita,’ and I’ll be like ‘syempre manang mana sayo.’ I was on a high, a person whose name is bigger than he is, giving me this outmost attention and regard, I felt so humbled…I wish I was really his daughter…he would call me ‘pare’ knowing that I’m a lesbian, we would laugh while he tease me with all the power women he would want me to sleep with…I dread the idea, he’ll be like ‘ sige na, ayaw mo nun, when they want to bring you to bed they’ll just book a plane for you to fly to Paris so that you could be out of the media.’ I would laugh, I keep screaming, ‘Dad! I’m not a lesbian prosti!’…

Prostitutes…that’s how we are with ideas…he tells me that ideas are just ideas, the difference with great men and mediocre men are, great men gives ideas a deadline and acts on it, while mediocre men just keep on thinking til the leaves of the trees are all yellow but they’re ideas are still just ideas floating in the air…at this moment I wanted to hurry and finish all my works…god a deadline, that’s what I need…that’s what we all need…I remember another photographer friend told me, ‘you know, in anything, even depression, you have to give it a deadline.’ When I was crying last month, she told me, ‘ok tomorrow we stop talking about this and move on to greater things, iiyak mo na ngayon para bukas nakatawa kana.’ True enough the next day I didn’t cry anymore…

I was driving with my unrequited male gay crushie earlier, we would sing our lungs out with Fiona Apple and Damien Rice, oh how I miss these moments, I missed my friend from the States, she would see me in front of my monitor staring at Fiona Apple lyrics and she would be weirded out by it, next thing I know she’s beside me staring on the monitor as well… a glass of wine and packs of cigs, a little music and exchange of prose, nothing beats moments with my crazy friends…

I saw the movie opening of ‘Ploning’ today, it was quite a watch, movies like these makes me turn back and save up for the lost time, the lost memories…the seconds and minutes that I could have shared, the laughter and happiness that I could have offered, in my head, I’m not the one who lost anything, I have so much to give…

Masaya ako sa araw na ito, hindi ko na ulit nararamdaman ang pakundap kundap na kirot sa dibdib, ako na ulit, ang pusong balot ng nyebe, ang daming dapat ayusin, ang daming bloke blokeng pangarap na dapat kong marating…ako na ulit at ang patuloy na pag-inog ko sa mundo…kaninang hapon, habang nasa South Express way, may nakita akong saranggola, naisip ko, yan yan ako, lumilipad at malaya, handa na ulit makipag-amok sa tadhana…nararamdaman ko na ulit ang ilaw sa aking isip, ang pag-ibig makapaghihintay, dun na ulit sya sa dulo ng listahan, hayaan mo munang alikabukin, tama na muna ang pagtakas, matagal tagal din ako bago nakabalik, ang sarap huminga.

Ang sarap bumalik sa mundo na puno ng mga kaibigang nagbibigay sa akin ng maraming inspirasyon, lahat sila abot ang mga pangarap, ngumingiti, ganyan ako nung nakaraang taon ang dami kong natapos, at alam kong sa mga susunod na araw patuloy pa akong lilipad paitaas…alam kong ako ang ilaw, hindi ang gamo-gamo…nakakatawang isipin, ang sabi ng isa’y gusto nya akong iahon, saan? Muka bang kailangan ko ng gamot sa pagkalugmok? Nakakatawa, ako raw ay tutulungan nya upang maging maayos, eh sya ang kinailangan ng tulong ko…ni hindi ako nanghingi ng saklolo, sya ang nagtanong kung pwede akong pumasok sa kanyang mundo dahil natuwa sya sa pagkatao ko…gusto daw nyang hawakan ang kamay ko para umahon, ang siste pagtagumpay ko’y naabot pati sya may byline?…’tol, sa buhay ko palaging isa lang ang credit, si ako, ang banedosong ako…silang lahat isa lang sa mga ‘dashes’ ng buhay ko…ang halakhak hawak ko, ayan kanina nauntog ako at natauhan, syet, bakit ako nagpaanod sa talinhaga ng kanilang salita, ako ang umaapaw, liglig sa ngiti at sayaw. Ako ang nagbibigay ng buhay, wala akong hiningi ni kakarampot na limos na ligaya, ako ang nagbigay hindi sila…napagisip isip ko kagaguhan ang ipagluksa ang pagtalikod, mas madami ang sa kanya’y nawala…naalala ko ang kaibigang tingin nya sa sarili ay dyamanteng malaki pa sa gusali, sa isip isip ko, yan, ako din, isang makinang na bato, at ako ang mayari nito. Ipinahiram ko sa kanila ang buhay ko, ngunit ako pa ang nawawalan, di naman tama yon…mas matigas ang dumapong ngiti sa aking mga labi ngayon…

I hear a voice in my head…’no longer innocent…’ at last I can sleep with silence in my dreams…

Rage

I will cry for my office green wall today…I will build my own walls, something that no one can take away from me…I am mad. Mad for the loss…when life takes things from you, they take it in installment, but give you something back in return…I knocked my knee last night, now this, what is it huh…I want to rage…RAGE, I love using that as a catalyst to elevate…ahh, that’s what’s given back to me, the feeling to get angry…I want to go back to Sagada and scream my lungs out in the echo valley…there there…my voice will be heard in a million different songs…

But I find it weird, for some reason, I am not screaming and throwing tantrums the way I used to, I am not banging my phone and cussing at everyone around me…I’m taking it in, casually, maturely…it surprised everybody, me as well…I ordered Chinese food, it calms me…before, when I’m angry I would chomp on pork and say…’galit ako kaya kakain ako ng baboy!’…it just sounds funny now…I wanted to do that earlier but I dread the idea, I do not eat meat anymore, I will just mess up my digestion…

Maybe I do not need yoga anymore to control anger management…in it and above, I like saying it now…life taught me to contain it…sabi ng diwata ako daw ay taong mapagpigil bago pa ako bumulusok nitong mga nakaraan, ngayon ibinabalik ko uli, eto ako, ganito ako nabubuhay, sa pagpipigil…para walang masaktan at di ako masaktan muli…

Ilang araw na akong nagmumuni muni sa pagsisisi, ilang kaibigan na ang tumapik at pinagtanungan kung ako ba ang nagkamali…at lahat sabi nila’y ako nga daw…haaay, ang mang-iwan, kasalanan kung mayroon kang nasaktan, nasaktan nga ba sya? Bakit ako ang di mapakali, ako ang di makatulog sa gabi, ako ang nangungulila sa kakaisip…tumalikod ako upang wag masaktan, ngunit bakit ako pa din ang ganito ang nararamdaman…isang buntong hininga…ayoko na ng drama, ang dami kong responsibilidad sa sarili ko at sa trabaho…di ko na kailangan ng soap opera…

For some reason, I’m so addicted in writing now, I have a hard time focusing on my drawings and my vectors, but typing on my keypads to get things out of my head seems to be therapeutic, I want to silence my head for a while, I want to be able to sleep with dreams, not with words…its tiring me…sigh, am I leaving my papers and paint in exchange for my letters? Pati ba naman ang kamay ko ay tatalikuran ko? My eyes, I feel the bags drooping, writers are like that, god I do not want to age fast…ok, ok…to visuals I return…

I’m excited for tomorrow, I will see my mentor, I call him my dad…I’m sure he will laugh together with me…sa ilang yosi at ilang ideya, ganyan kami lumilipad sa problema...

Wounded Knee

I just got home from a fun filled night…as the fashion show opened with the models on the runway, there I was tripping on 4 chairs and banging my knee on rough ground with champagne dripping everywhere and my self…quite an opening, I always make an entrance…whew…so here I am now, nursing the wound on my knee, it hurts like hell…at least now the soreness is not on my chest, its on my knee and the sting makes me cry…fuckin stilettos, my model friends were laughing, they’re like, ‘Tatum you’re not even drunk! Only you know how to make that kind of entrance’…sigh, I was laughing with tears in my eyes…now I have to live with new scars…scars that are visible to the eye…how the hell am I going to wear my minis now…o well…

After the show we just indulge on all the champagne they were serving, I had a little too much…my friends were telling me that I am so back, the klutz, the funny one who keeps teasing the girls and the guys…the lesbian in a straight and male gays crowd…it made me laugh...as my knees bled, my mouth is wet with white wine and my eyes feasted on a pool of good looking women and men…then we went to the radio station to promote my friends campaign…there I met interesting people, new faces, with new stories to tell, a comedian, an actress, a director, djs, a manager and a restaurant owner…I just love my job, it makes me shake hands to inspiring and beautiful people…I was teasing the director about the story that I wrote, that if he is interested I would like to write a movie script for a lesbian film…he was laughing…he probably thought of women clad in bikinis humping each other…I was a little tipsy but still trying to make sense…I was shaking his hand and wouldn’t let go, I told him I want to scoop out his gift so that I can use it for me as well…he was smiling…smiles, I love seeing it in people…it warms my alcohol drenched mind…

I was waiting for the radio show to end and the alcohol was dying down…I hate it when that happens, it bores the living shit out of me, then I start to brood…I started to notice intently the people around me, such treasures I want to share with somebody other than myself...in my head sparks memories, what if, what could have been, the why’s and the maybe’s…but its all washed away…another sigh came out from my breath…someday I said, someday…

I got home so tired an sleepy… thank god, finally I can rest my head…after a cold shower I will rest in my own candy colored dreams…my own, something I can call my own…

The gems in us...

I’m so happy last night, I had fruitful conversations with my favorite gentle giant ;) I love talking to people more mature than me, makes me see things in a different light, but I am happy that I can sing along with their music, ‘unique’ he said, that’s what you are, you should be stingy with giving yourself, in my head, funny maybe I’m just autistic hahaha…but he was laughing the entire time cuz I keep on telling them the words that comes from my mouth, he was saying, ‘you do not need any wisdom from me, you know these things, you are your own self help! You’re so full of life and energy, someone needs to tame you!…’ I was laughing…

Tame me? Then my energy will be lost, silenced, caged, that is not what I need, not again I said…I am fluttering with heights, flying and dancing under the grayest of cloud…and I’m laughing, smiling like a kid who just discovered that butterflies are beautiful to touch…but butterflies, their wings can sting your eye…

Life, so many thing to discover in it but it has no guarantee…I was so excited to list down the openings of my windows that I want to put in art…another friend showed me a passage about windows…I am always in awe with windows, taken by the secrets that it holds under the blinds…people, it says, are like closed windows, it shows different views, looking at them once will not show you the entire thing, once they open you can see the dirt, the laundry and the crooked walls that surrounds it, look again and you can also see the wonderful things…the gems in all of us…some of it are precious, some as black and bland as coal, its up to you where you want to peep and keep…but as the gentle giant said 'like any other gemstone, let people search for it. Let them work hard to earn it, so that anyone who will hold it will treasure, protect and keep out of harms way'…when its gone its gone, you drop it and it will break, you let go of it in a ravine and it will be hard for you to get it back…

Ratatatata, me again, talk and talk, so many words Tatum, I think I have to silence myself for a while cuz I cannot sleep with all these things in my head…ugh, I saw the sun shine again through my room window…not again I said…I am so tired…’contain it, contain it!’…god I was scooping out everything in me and hugging myself so that it won’t burst…sleep little child, there’s so many more tomorrow…

The Music in me...

I want to write songs…I just had this aching today, I always have words borrowed from other people’s pain, why can’t I write my own when everyone learns and smiles with the things that I can do and with the things that I learn from…I am speaking to my head again, smiling, the vanity in me, now it makes me laugh…it makes me appreciate the artists that helps me cope, the voices that draws me, the lives that even my life lives…makes me realize that we are all the same…in words, in art…god I love the beauty that pain creates…

See I told you sadness is beautiful, it makes you create…look at the angel, she was able to create a prose not in her language when I left, look at the other one who was not meant for me, she also wrote a poem about the moon, that I was the moon and she offered it to me…it makes me so fulfilled, maybe that is my role and mission in life, to be the moon that shines on them, to be the flame to ignite their desires, even if it burns and falls right through me, I use it for me as well…look at the moon that hovered on me for a month and broke my heart, she made me write a 44 page story that all my friends appreciated…thank you to all of you…you touched my heart in more ways than one…everyday its filling up the holes…now I have to continue and light the rays of my flame so I can continue to inspire others and for me to fly away to another dimension…diwata…yan ang aking misyon…so to the other diwata na mahilig umindak…sumunod ka at wag malunod…ganyan tayo, lumilipad paitaas upang iwan lahat at wag bumulusok…

Love on a different light...

I am writing again about love…its everywhere, I felt it since my year started…I loved and enjoyed every single bit of it…I picked up my pencils and sketch pad again, continuing the goal I was supposed to finish before my birthday…I lost my energy to create since last year because I was as cold as snow…I couldn’t feel…how can you create when the color means empty and the lines bare…now that I am reborn I feel more alive than ever…excited to use colors that came from the fruits of my heart…

I am so thankful…if I die today, everything that happened to me were worth it…the love I shared and the tears I shed…every inch worth it…it makes me feel so happy and inspired…so I will paint while my wounds are still sore…it will quench my thirst…I am so parched…

Love is all around us…an angel told me about the different shades of it…of romance, of friendship, of relationships…love…I think that’s what I am in love with…the idea of love…I am not a Juliet, I am and will always be a Romeo dressed in gown, funny it sounds so gay, but that’s me I am gay… love is not complicated, its relationships that makes everything complicated…it’s selfishness that makes one to let go, immaturity and insecurity…these things are the things that breaks us and leaves us undignified and broken…but these are also the things that makes us human…feelings that are used up…

Love, it’s not all about attraction to another person, it’s not about jealousy and selfishness or the memories of the past, it’s not about lust…I fall in love with details…of someone’s being…eyes, hands, the touch, the laughters, the pain, the quirks that keeps us smiling, the things that tickles me, the dreams, the things that’s worth more than money…the broken things that needs to be fix, the kindness and openness of one’s heart…even the tiniest pore that looks funny…they’re beautiful to me...

Beauty, I think I’m addicted to it…and for some reason it always cross my path…which is good, I need it…to feel...which is also bad, cuz it hurts like hell…so I think not for now…it scares the living shit out of me…

Someone asked me about love, she said aren’t we suppose to work hard for it and fight for it? I told her, why will you fight for something that is not yours…that’s not love, that’s selfishness…and she asked again, ‘why does love cause us pain and makes us flee’…I told her, you know, love, it also gets tired…and hello, I do not have the answer to it all, I am just a catalyst to love, a pawn and a slave to it…god it’s tiring…

Me, I will continue to love and give to who ever I find beautiful but for now I still have to pick up the pieces that I gave to all those I loved, I ran out of it and I left nothing for my self…but love, it’s so much beautiful when it’s yours, reciprocated…for now, I will use all my pain and desire with my brush and paper…and to see the result of your works is better than orgasm…

The one who got away...

I keep searching for the answers but I knew all along, I know, that’s the problem, I assume I know too much…thinking and speaking mostly just destroys everything…sigh, I look in the mirror today and I aged more than a year with thinking too much…I tried to quench my thirst but it still kept me parched…

Human nature, we destroy things that are perfect…but sometimes its better that way, to destroy something that hasn’t begun so that the memory will be kept intact…forever she says…yes keep it and treasure it forever, the pieces of me that I’ve shared is worth a lifetime…

Just keep on walking, that’s how everything should be…every time you look up the sky and see the moon, remember me whispering ‘I will fly you to the moon and back and not even the Jupiter’s storm can burn our wings…’ Remember that I showed you the vastness of the world, that even if you turn it upside down it is still beautiful…like us smaller than the tiniest grain of sand…but glistening, pawns that makes up what life is…it’s just is…

Last night, a part of my heart was given back to me, from the bunny hole that I lost a long time ago…it made my heart warmer, a piece closed up a wound…I thanked her for the past she shared with me, it is what I needed, to be acknowledged that I even existed…

The diwata told me I am like a book…something that you can’t put down and will always remember in your heart…ang hiwagang hindi mawawala…masarap pakinggan, masarap maramdamang ikaw ay buhay sa mga taong iyong dinaanan…maybe I have to accept that it’s my role in life…to be part of them, but not to keep…just another stone you might crash when you hold tightly…

A thousand and a million more holes…that’s what needs to be closed up…I feel my chest today…not numb…it’s beating, but every beat feels sore…do not poke it or hold it, it's not welcoming...i do not need consolation, from angels nor muse...i will smile with no one to hold me, it’s the queen in me…I am free.

Beautiful

I woke up today with a bad headache, I heard my phone squeak so I turned, the angel greeted me good morning…it made me think once more…it lulls my reverberating head from the night of confusion, last night was a mess for me…I saw the girl who broke my heart…what a headache…I wanted to bury her but I can feel the scars getting sore, I breathe in and close it up, I know I am strong, I am standing with my toes on the ground, TALL, that I am…heights that will develop overtime…

The song plays again…’this phenomenon, I gotta put it in a song and it goes like this…oh, amber is the color of your energy…’I wanted the angel to hear it too but the message came in a bad time…I detached myself to understand…in it and above, that’s how everything should be…I stood up and shrug selfishness and let kindness and openness dawn on me…it always helps…I need to be alone she says…alone…then I look at myself, yes, alone, that’s what I need as well…not temporary bandage that I keep filling in but doesn’t even fit…ALONE…we are all better of…

At this moment I decided to close up and let her be…still not meant for us…so what can we do if we realize that we just found the most amazing personalities in us…we aren’t ready…the sweet nothings we fill each other with, they are EMPTY…the hugs and kisses on our necks and the strength of our grips…they are empty…it’s sad to find the right person when your heart is black and frozen as snow…it’s sad…but that is life…I could see her lovely smiles sparks in my memory, her laughs that tickles me, her eyes that swims right through me, her soft skin that calms me, her words that taunts me, her charm, her brilliance, her stance, her silly little quirks and her colorful polygons…she is the one for me, a combination of two of the women I love in the past that still warms my heart…she is beautiful and my angel…I want her to be the one…we would tell each other ‘you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met’…but love, she says, ‘its complicated’…thus it is, it leaves us all undignified and battered…you act on it and hurt will surely head its way, to break us…she will not be a stain that scars me…I do not want her to be…oh how this feels so heavy…it pains me…

We struggle to survive but we survive never the less…to let go and dive on our own, that’s how we get by…I wanted to dance with new music in my ears…with my self, I am dancing with myself, but I am smiling…

Someone told me that love shouldn’t be all pain, it should be happiness…I look at all the people that surrounds me…women…we are all broken…the girl who persists, the diwata and her prose, the angel who saved me, the scorpion that stings her heart, the drama queen who keeps calling, the broken mind who broke me, my first love and her tact…we all have different stories, different pains, different smiles, somehow all crooked…and for some uncanny reason we are all connected to each other…our voices echoes in entanglement…I could see it in my head, the strings of thoughts, the moans of laughter’s and pain…we echoed the same…LOVE, longing and desire…it leaves us sore…To let go and free ourselves of these, that’s what needs to be done…my blinders are not with me anymore I can see, hear, and feel, and I will paint all the colors that comes my way…

WOMEN…we are beautiful you know…amazing in all hues…we should embrace and let go…I wish I can hug them all and give what is due, but my hands are small and my heart can only beat for one…we all have a home, we don’t have to search for it, it will find us…the things that we can do with our hands and minds, let all the things that burns us be put into beauty…’smile for me will you?’ and I will smile for you…

Borrowed Light...

I saw an angel last night, the one with a beautiful smile…the one with a gentle tone…the one with watery eyes that swims through my soul…

Not water this time…air…pure air…I sense freedom…I want to hold her hand and jump through the mountain top and just feel the breeze of the wind brush through our skin…but I hesitate every time I feel her…she hesitates just the same…love ridden souls…that’s what we are…

…I am amazed by her world and she is amused in mine…collision? Nah…time…time…

I will wait, patiently…’Your Heart is not ready,’ I hear my instincts whisper to me…I never take anything half-hearted…but for her, borrowed times will do for now…I lend her my time she lend me hers, I lend her my words and she takes it with much appreciation, I lend her my ears and I listen to her woes…

We both have bandaged scars that gives us momentary relief…scars…scars…I will not process them this time…I will just indulge…with what I can and what she can offer…equality she says…but how can it be equality when we are both not ready to give…borrowed…everything is borrowed…

…fillers? Is that what we are? Temporary numbness to beaten hearts…another escape? I will not surrender once more…I will not keep my blinders but feel and see every inch of it, the world, not just hers…the world…so much to love about it…and she is a part of it…

I will not jump in haste…I am made of tough stains, stains that preserves me…her…I do not want her to be another stain…she is worth more than just a memory…she is worthy and she knows I am as well…what will I make of it…ellipsis…the three married dots…it will do for now...

Angel Eyes...

This is the first night that I saw myself back to reality again…not in my head anymore…I look at my wall from my home office and so many things are laid down before me…the things that I have to accomplish and do while I’m still young…I am done with escaping the world I need to focus on painting it again…

So much to do, so little time…I want to do so much that everything is cluttered before me…the studies I want to take, the paths I want to lead, the things I want to learn, and the things that I need to discover…I am so confused that I do not know where to start…

Responsibilities…I need to face them once more…the bills to pay, god I forgot all my deadlines…they bit me when I woke…my calendar is cluttered once more…I feel like a kid who needs a mom…to tell me what to do and where to begin…

It’s hard waking up from a long slumber. Like a vampire scared of the light, but I needed the burn…torched…that is what happened…

I am so alive the past days that my hands are aching for salvation...I feel like a blind man who sees again and the light rattles me…

Last Sunday I woke up with a big smile on my face…so freeing…I feel like life is one huge experiment and we create so many things from the predicaments it offers…I just need to focus on where to start…a thousand and a million holes…that much to fill…I looked at chapters in my life and I saw so many starting points, and I am always intrigued by the idea but for some reason I never finish…always just on the premise…oh guidance, maybe that is what I needed…

Muses…I asked myself the other day, is it what I needed? But muses suck me dry…some of the bad ones that started my year…I think I need a new one, another inspiring aura…I had so many of them last year…I need to pile up on them once more…

Useless addiction, I have to rid myself of those…me again…that is my addiction…order, that is what I want…focus that is what I want to muster…

An angel told me that she wants to heal me, but I am already healed. I just laugh at the wounds, I see it as something unreal…invisible scars, that is all I have…step 1,2,3…so many things to do…ugh, life needs to fix my schedule…maybe I should take what the angel offered, maybe…it could be good for me…may you guide my hand to the beautiful things it can create and swim right to my soul so I could dance once more to the music that plays in my head…

An epiphany…maybe not muses…angels…I had so many angels in my life in different chapters…they lead me to discover my path…oh, yes…angels…they are what I need…

Fixed

I just got my car back today…fixed, one piece, like me…I am me again…I already put down the story that I kept in installment, my friend said it was an interesting peep in the world of dark glittering lights…it has served its purpose, for me to be redeemed. It doesn’t matter if everyone read it or not all that matters is the ones who I knew would understand understood every prose…

As I drove my car, I felt the rush in my blood…like Lestat revived, chasing the wind as life runs through my veins…I can sing happy songs again…my wish was to feel and so I did, I have no regrets of the things that happened to me, that is life, to the fullest…I wouldn’t have it any other way and I am proud of how I played my part…

As I drove my car I was laughing like a kid again, no longer empty…I could hear the credits roll as the soundtrack play in the background, ‘Grateful’…that I am…but like any other movie, the ending is just the beginning…the tears I’ve shed and the memories I’ve shared, I will keep it in me…she said she will never forget and I know I will always remember…as of the past and the present, I know I always have a new story to tell, and thus I will keep making them…

A friend once told me that if you have a unique name then you will lead an extraordinary life as well…the crazies, I know I will keep attracting them, the broken things that needs to be fixed…every one is the same…it just makes life interesting, who would want to be perfect anyway, perfect is boring…like a vase with perfect curves, it’s beautiful but doesn’t have that much of stories to tell, but a broken vase that sits by the corner that gathered up dust has much interesting details…her mind, broken as it is but I still find the beautiful things in it…

Heights, more of it will come…I will create it…and so as I keep my foot moving one after the other I will continue to paint my world again…smiles…I will keep finding them…

Rewrite me...

So this is how it feels to feel nothing…ive been searching for words to describe it, its hard to come up with one concrete thought…I am drained up to the last drop…hurt, confuse, awe, humiliation, frailty, happiness, bitterness, grief, regret, stupidity, jealousy, love…god love, I do not know how to feel it now… I am now confused what these words mean…she drained me of it…now I walk like a corpse waiting to be reborn again…

I stare at myself in the mirror wishing hard to put me back in one piece, the person I know, the person that heals, yet no matter how many times I blink I am still there sitting on the floor, blank, out of words…wash me new…I want to be whole again…

Rewrite my spirits once more…

Time stopper...

I keep searching for the time where I could have stopped, there where a lot…but I tried and pushed these thoughts aside because I have hoped and wished…for once to be the sun again…but I guess it wasn’t time, it wasn’t…maybe, maybe in life there will only be one that mattered, and maybe I have had it the first time…

I don’t want to wish again…for the falling star just keeps crashing into me and I burn…it wasn’t suppose to be like that…I was once the flame, not the moth, not to be burned but burn…prey to a victim, I used to be the prey, now just a victim of some one else pain…

I thought for once the rain will stop pouring…the overcast gone for a while…it was short…sa lilim, sa lilim ako nagtago sa bilad, ngunit ang lilim na animo’y luntian noon ay unti unti natuyo’t naglagas…and there I was watching each leaf fall, without grace, crashing like the tears I shed rolling down my burnt skin…

A memory, this I want to surrender, stashed away in the lost chapters of my book…it was a wild ride but I do not want to recall not even peep for a while…a silent spark that died so fast…how could I have been so wrong…

The title was fitting…’Escape’…it was just an escape…and like any thing you run away to, you have to go back and face reality some time…and thus I have to wake up now…to be sober from a drunken fate…I will stay sober…like the years I’ve mustered.

Sanctuary

I haven’t been scribbling…once again, I feel my words belonged to someone else, no longer for the world to read…this happened once before, I lost myself and resided in one place, like a hermit I hid where I felt loved and safe…I never thought I would be in the same predicament again…been nudging it aside for more than three years, it came un expected and in the most beautiful package…I have found my sanctuary…it didn’t need pursuing nor simmering, the moment she held my hand I knew I had to let myself free…

And so it is…once again a hermit, but not hiding…I would come out of my shell with another holding my hand and making me feel safe and so free just to be me…not a hamburger for a steak, just coffee and cream swimming in water where love drowns us most of the time…its overwhelming…makes me feel so alive every waking moment…I know now that I would never see the flowers wilt, because she would always make sure I have fresh flowers to greet my everyday…

On my birthday I wished just for one thing…to be the sun again, and so as I blew on the candle with the blue flame, the cosmos prepared for my gift…every inch that I requested, given to me…some one same as me, only stronger and more giving…it’s as if we’ve known each other for years…same stories, same heartache, same modes of solitude with a few quirky differences that molds us into one…it couldn’t be anymore perfect, we still pinch each other to see if its all real…too fast…too soon…we both wished that it will be the last…both second servings…both starting…no longer innocent…

All worth it…the tears I’ve cried years before, the sorrows I’ve had the first time, all washed anew…the laughter’s sounds different now, the smile, the jokes, her charm, her…just her…all new to me and it makes every second worth discovering what lies ahead…as she unfold in my everyday, it makes me fall deeper and my heart expand like I’ve never been hurt…made me believe again, makes me dream of new dreams…together she says…no longer the moon hovering below the overcast…sun again, we will watch each other grow…

...the door is open, i am finally home…

And so it is...

My rear window stuck up last night, i couldn't bring it anywhere cuz i might end up losing it...to top it off it rained while i was on the road...what luck...i looked like a fuckin' drenched duck with red hair in my car...i had to wait for morning to get it done and went ahead with my night escapades...but whatever frustrating predicaments i was in, i still had a blast that night...met a girl with a face i couldn't stop staring at...simmering it still...

morning comes and i missed going to work cuz i had to bring my car to the shop, but i had to go back to the office cuz my office mates said i had some sort of surprise...

And so it is...groggy and eyes desperate for sleep, there it was, in different colors, 2 dozens of red roses, 2 dozens of white and a bunch of gerberas...musta naman ang hair napadock sa Subic..."So Tatum are you fucking a florist?" funny...and of course, not even a card to say who its from...hmmm, i gez i didnt just get a twig after all...

My beloved green wall...

I haven't been going to work early...what else is new...i got here at 3pm and while sitting on my high chair it just dawned on me...i'm losing my green wall soon...i wanted to cry...i love my office, my own corner in this chaotic firm...when it was renovated last year i designed my lights and the colors especially to how i like it...green, yellow and white clashing... everyone loved to hang out here...

now i'm forced to cramp up together with the editorial team because of the large machines the company is buying...no more door to close when i'm moody and no more lights to shut when i need my dark...i will miss my green wall, soon it will be replaced with green cabinets and dark curtains, consolation to my loss ...every day i will have to endure the monotonous typing of editorial keyboards together with the huge ass tv they placed beside my table, together with the every day chitchats of the room that i couldn't care less for...

It would have been ok with me, but It's sad to think that the person inheriting my room has not even a tinge of beauty in his soul...every day he will be with the green wall, but everyday he will not understand what its for...

Shapeless Characters

I'm not fond of names and faces...its better that strangers remain blank shapes in my head...cuz once identities unfold, i can't be a devil anymore...

Tic toc...

It’s been a while since I use words with this tongue…

Para bang may kumagat at tila diko mapigilan…kumatok pa kasi, ngayo’y pilipit ang dila…kibit…nakalimot di muna tumingin sa bintana…

Sandali, kaya mo ba? Animo tila natatawa…ako yata ang di kaya…nawiwili sa kapitbahay na makata…

…isa pa…buntong hininga…wala namang mapapala…sakit sa ulo sabi ng kabila…eto dito, tumanaw ka muna…

I’m stuck at work til midnight…have to finish dozens of deadlines but I’m here again staring blankly at my computer…come 1am I need to go somewhere, dance…pretend to drink some bottle I don’t like what’s inside…I’m really tired, I wish I can just slip under my sheets and hide in slumber and wake up next year…my assistant won’t shut that fuckin’ sound…god ballad, please spare me the season of red…can it just be black? Parang Piolo lang sa billboard dun sa EDSA…tatlong taon na paulit ulit lang ang istorya, minsan…minsan…o tama na…

I want new stories to tell, its tiring to always go back to those pastures I use to reside…I am a wolf now, don’t they all travel in packs? Why am I hunting alone…what a selfish canine…wants it all for herself…thus, still alone…Narsisa magbago kana, diba’t sa lathala nalunod at nawalang bigla?…palibhasa takot mabasag ang nakataklop…ayan nagtatago sa lilim..kung saan madali…kung saan di napapaso…bakit may magtangka mang pumaso lunod naman sa ginaw ng abo mo…sumisilip, nakikililim, hinihipan mong pilit…what a paradox...

…I have to go soon…want to go driving somewhere while listening to endless Buckley and Sia songs, hoping maybe it can wash me anew…it’s easier when you’re mourning for someone at least you know who to blame, at least songs can be for some one, not some old tale washed white already with bleach I can barely touch it…it just feels so hallow…reminds me of Cameron in ‘The Holiday’ trying so hard to put out a tear…I don’t remember the last time I did…tic toc…empty counting of time…it bores me some times… another soul told me again, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? 3 years dear, that’s not a joke anymore, you’re too hard of an egg to crack…’ what will I do, nothing and no one interests me much…they smile back at you and I dip in it for a while, but never let it simmer…they still haven’t caught my grasp (Alfie ikaw ba yan? feeling mo naman, e si Alfie kumusta naman? diba't mag-isa)

…the other night a pretty girl had her arms around my back, whispering some melodramatic sweetness that makes my skin cringe…why? Probably cuz it sounds like another soup I have to sip for dinner, what about the entrée, serve me something hot with tasty treat in it, something worthy of conversation not some pasty soup I just had last week…but not meat, I just turned pesco-vegan, red meat might choke me…hahaha I'm fasting…

…Gone gone for now…god there it is again…and she’s singing together with it…shut that thing up! there there thank you, finally a different sound…

Candy

I wanted to get myself a candy...the jar is full to the lid...i wonder what would tickle my fancy...all colors, different delights...i want to taste everything...bitter, sweet, spicy, sour...problem is i only have a few coins to spare...every wrapper has a price, and has no warranty...

Happy Feet

i woke up today, happy feet calling me...give it to me give it to me...beat it! so i went low low low low...

music flowing again...Alex crank it high up! who's Alex? hahaha i must be dreaming still...

i am mambo today... feet throbbing, hips swaying, butt going low low low low...wait i'm already on the floor! try to stop me with your prose...still dancing for now...higher now---"She hit the floor, next thing you know, she goes low low low low..."

lost in music...swimming swimming where it takes me...i am mambo, i will bring back the fish...

It’s all so quiet…

I’m holding a rose today, it’s red but it’ll do…it’ll do for now…til I looked at the other room, I screamed silently, why does she get a bunch of flowers and I only get a twig, a handful of chocolates, and a few messages in my inbox…is that how much love is worth? I screamed again, more silent this time…I’ll be the sun again…so much love, so much love left to give…

another broken arrow headed my way…so undignified, so human…I breathe violently to elevate from it…I closed my eyes and peeped down below…feet still on the ground…ugh not even an inch? …I pinched my cheek…ouch!…still human…

I walked by the parking lot to transfer my car, it was dark, my blue knight sitting alone in the dark…Gabby poked me and said, ‘notice how your car is so alone, look at the rest of the space, all the cars are out on a date,” he giggled mockingly, I wanted to punch him on the face…but then I looked at him and I smiled mockingly…’I’m not the only one…’

It looks like rain today...

Staring at my monitor for an hour now, I have to start writing an article but I'm so fucking lazy to do anything work related…I just really want to do some no brainer stuff right now, like choose from the 200 photos taken from my birthday and prey on some stuff on the net or repeatedly watch lword threads from youtube while listening to Jeff Buckley at the same time…I’m so in love with his song ‘Everybody here wants you’ and ‘Striptease for me Baby’…its on loop in my earplugs for the entire day, can’t help but move with it…it’s so sexy…

…The buzz from my meds are wearing off already, I wish my cough would die down soon, I bark like a mad dog from the cigarettes I've been puffing for days now, its so gross…after days and days of partying and celebrating my birthday I’m finally back to reality…its tiring…maybe it means I will be celebrating for the rest of the year…I just reached the mark, one line away from 25…in the next years I will be nearing the age which women my age dread…20 going 30…I can’t imagine I’m older than my mom now when she had me…scary…

…January and the start of February is simply crazy…I haven’t had the time to stare at myself in the mirror and examine if I aged a little, funny, I’m always rushing and packing my stuff…my room is so cluttered I don’t have floor to walk on…all my baggage from my Davao trip and Sagada are still where I left them the moment I got home, my Sagada clothes are soiled and damped from the caving and I forgot to take them out last week it might have had its own colony already when it dawned on me…my shoes are everywhere, either they’re stuck in the trunk of my car or scattered around the house…I always end up using the same pair when I go to the office cuz I forget where I put the others, other than my shoe rack which I never really put my shoes in…I need a house keeper, or just someone to fix up my cabinet and laundry, its so hard to find someone I can trust while I'm away at work, I have to be at the house all the time when they’re cleaning up, and by god, I am never home… I have a mountain in my condo already critters might start coming out from it…it’s not funny…this week I promise myself that I will not runaway from my domestic chores…so many papers are piled up already in my home office I need to tidy up to find things…

My eyes are racing down…I should put them to rest I guess…then wake up super early to finish my deadline…last night was pretty bad, I procrastinated til 4am in the morning, staring in the monitor and watching TiBette moon over each other…I love them…I wish I have what they have…used to have…freakin story of my life…I was talking to my cousin over dinner about owning ones life, how I feel like mine is borrowed…I've been living in Manila for almost 9 years already and still I don’t feel like I own it, I go home to my apartment and I feel restless...I forget sometimes that I have a family back home in the province, but when I’m there I also feel like its not my life…then where is it…I do not know where I belong and what I can own…it scared me a little…borrowed time, borrowed life, it’s so easy to live in the shadow of what people see you as…I fixed my photo blogs earlier, making everything in secured setting, it scared me that I let people see me in the photos I've taken in the past years…they know me as the girl holding her drink, dancing in the dance floor, puffing cigarettes, dressed up in every flash...the girl whose smile is the same in every shot and changes as the wine decreases in her hands…I looked at that person and I didn’t see me…I stared at my photos and I do not know the face that stared so familiar to me…I lost myself somehow, I do not know where it resides…I will close my eyes in a few minutes now…I will knock on my own door…I wonder who’s in side…sleep...sleep is good...

the burn…

the light consumes me…a hot rod yearning for some skin to burn…i look back…I am the rod…it fires so hot I can smell the burn…the burn…some flesh…made them feel alive…

I am the rod…I look back and the flame is out…her skin is burnt, and it scars…but im still a rod…cold now…colder still…hidden in the shelves…waiting for another…

HUnger hurts, but starving works...

Why can’t I keep those that purify me…I always have to drop it, like losing a stone in a ravine, I cannot get it back…I don’t want to bite like the wolves that I dread, that is not what I am made of… I just want a little borrowed time when I feel like I need it…selfish, but we both use each other in our own ways…

…getting used to the habit can be excruciating when you rid yourself of it…it haunts…as the song goes, ‘hunger hurts but starving works’…

I only wanted to drown from words, words from my mouth and yours…without malice, without shame, with no guilt to crucify our selves in…I do not need guilt when I have done nothing wrong…I only wanted someone to hear…you don’t have to be visible for me to feel…everything in my world is already a whirlpool of chaos…what you are is an escape, a silent retreat that I like to reside in once in a while…I shut myself from reality and connect to you in a simple phrase…it consumes me…I scream silently and you echoed with me…you don’t have to be real…I don’t want you to be real…

…I don’t search, I am found…and that will remain…

…I swim now in red…and linger in it…Fiona is singing in my ears, whispers of prose that elevates me…I’m back to my own corner again, shut eyes, floating in the music that soothes my nerves…words, my kind of drug…in the coming days the music will change…something to feed my hunger for rhythm, and I will once again dance where the music will take me… do not look for me on the stage cuz I won’t show my self…I will no longer tempt you because you burn in my light…and that light is shut, it no longer glows for you cuz you know what is behind it…it is not pretty, it’s not fun…a meaningless pursuit…it tastes bitter in my mouth, it may have lingered for a while but I did not swallow for I know that it is poison…

I can say a thousand and more words, something that can make you squirm and tremble but I will not…I want you to remain unscat